A(nother) Year of Online Dating

Happy News for My Final Post

2011-07-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone will ever see this post, but… Björn and I are engaged! We're going to have a civil ceremony in September and follow that next summer with a wedding and reception with our friends and family.

Online dating has many negatives, but so many positives too. If it weren't for the dating site (it was OkCupid, by the way), I never would have met Björn and I'd likely still be wandering around San Francisco lonely and single.

I hope you've enjoyed this blog, and I wish you all the best.

K

Guest Blog - Part 2

2011-02-22T20:32:00.000-08:00

As I posted yesterday, I'm offering you a glimpse into someone else's online dating experiences by sharing with you a guest blog by my friend Anna. Yesterday she introduced us to Jorday, Jay, Geeky Mountain Man, Hungover Guy, Male Action Hero #1, and Justin. Today we'll pick up with Desperate Guy:

[Part 2]

Then, there was Desperate Guy. I’m not such a fan of doing a whole lot of texting before I meet a person in real life – unless the emails have been so good that I want to keep the conversation going. Desperate Guy did a lot of texting. And he used the letter U instead of the word “you.” For the right person, I let this slide. As a future middle school humanities teacher who wants to drill this bad habit out of her students, this is one of my biggest text message pet peeves. My students are going to hear SO many “U is a letter. Y-O-U is a word” rants from me.

Anyway. Desperate Guy seemed kinda promising at first, other than the texting. He’s got a graduate degree, loves Seattle, and is from Wisconsin. Seemed like a nice enough guy. We made plans to meet at a dive bar for a drink. The Packers-Falcons game was on, and I was rooting for the Packers, since my Seahawks had just beaten the New Orleans Saints the day before. And had the stars aligned, a Packers win could have led to the 7-9 Seahawks hosting the NFC championship game. Did I mention that I’m one of the biggest female football fans in the world? I have a bad habit of swearing at the screen when I’m watching sports. One of my best friends, Dave, told my ex, Jay “you’ve never seen Anna during football season. You’re in for some fun.” I think the extent of my fandom scared Jay, actually.

Desperate Guy didn’t seem to mind that I kept getting distracted by the game. We were trying to have a conversation, and then I’d jump up, yelling “INTERCEPTION! INTERCEPTION!” He was nice, and sweet. Really chatty though. I had a hard time getting a word in edgewise sometimes.

And a word for the men who are reading this. It is not sexy to grab your belly on the first date. You do not want to draw attention to the few extra pounds of beer that have gravitated towards your gut. Desperate Guy grabbed his gut and shook it at one point during the conversation. Not sexy.

For a guy from Wisconsin, he was the slowest beer drinker ever. Seriously. My good friends know that I’m a really slow beer drinker, so for me to call someone a slow beer drinker means something. I’d been fighting a sinus infection off all week. After several hours of beer, food, and conversation, I was starting to feel a little gross. My head was pounding, and I knew I needed to go back to my couch. But Desperate Guy still had three quarters of a beer left. I knew there was no way I was going to last another 90 minutes.

“I’m sorry. I’m having a good time, but I’m starting to get an awful sinus headache, and I think I need to go home now,” I said, standing. He gave me a hug. I went home and laid down on my couch.

The next day, I was out for sushi with a friend. I felt bad about leaving so abruptly, so I sent Desperate Guy a message letting him know I was feeling better and apologizing for leaving. I expected that he’d text me back to see about getting together later in the week. I did have a good time, and at this point he hadn’t received his nickname.

Now, readers, what would you expect the guy to do at this point? Because I was expecting him to text me back saying “glad you’re feeling better. Let’s talk later in the week about getting together.” I wasn’t expecting a phone call. I let it go straight to voicemail. His message explained that he had an unexpected day off the very next day, and wanted to get together again.

I started hyperventilating. My fight or flight response kicked in. Too soon! Too soon! Danger Will Robinson Danger! I called my wonderful pastor, who gave me some wise advice –

"Maybe you should approach online dating this way -- you're going to fail. And it's okay. You wouldn't be feeling overwhelmed and wanting to run away if it's the right person. That wouldn't be your reaction. Something doesn't feel right about this, and you're learning to listen to that."

Good advice. I’ve actually written a whole blog post about it on my blog, The Spontaneous Gardener. You can find it here (http://spontaneousgardener.blogspot.com/2011/01/freedom-to-fail-or-marcus-aurelius-was.html)

After Desperate Guy came Pete, who I also won’t write much about, since we’ve decided to be friends too. Another nice guy. Similar interests – mountains and Balkans. Just no spark for me though.

Last came High School Guy. So, those of you who online date can probably relate to this. When I see someone I know on an online dating website, I get a bit embarrassed. It’s like “oh no – I didn’t want YOU knowing I was doing this!” Try not recognizing the other person, and then discovering on the date that you went to the same 400 person high school.

That’s even more embarrassing, right?

And that’s exactly what happened. High School Guy looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t really place him. We had a lot of similar interests – hiking, soccer, traveling, and, well, more soccer. I’m a sporty gal, I guess. So, ten minutes into the date (we were watching a soccer game, naturally), we start to have the “where did you grow up” and “where did you go to high school” conversation. As soon as the word “Lakeside” escaped my lips, he gave me a really funny look.

Him -- “Wait…when did you graduate?”

Me -- “2000”

Him – “I was the class of ’98.”

Me – “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He got real quiet. As soon as he said his name, I knew exactly who he was. Things got awkward for a good, oh, ten minutes. I mean, you could actually hear crickets in the background. It was that quiet and awkward. But we kept watching the game. I did what my friend Jen, a sports broadcaster, advises women to do for networking. I started talkin’ sporty. I started talking about the World Cup, about the Sounders, and about baseball. I shared crazy travel stories. I told him about the time I got to interview Mariners broadcaster Dave Niehaus over the phone. We both relaxed, and had a good time.

But when I wrote him to say “hey, I had fun. Let’s go watch soccer again sometime,” I got a very honest response. He didn’t feel anything romantic, but thought that hanging out as friends sounded good. Nothing since.

He’s just not that into me. And that, readers, is one of the most liberating phrases for an online dater. It’s an easy way for me to tie up my disappointed feelings into a little box and throw them all over my shoulder. He’s just not that into me.

Because the right guy WILL be that into me. And I’ll know it. It’s true what they say. When things click, all those stupid “rules” we’ve been taught about playing hard to get and waiting three days before contacting another person – they all go out the window.

And last night, I met Lucky Number Seven. I’m still smiling this morning.

More later.

[End post]

A Guest Blog from Anna

2011-02-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

Hi. I know that it's been a while, but things with Björn continue to go swimmingly and thus there have been no online dates about which to report. However, I have a number of friends who are using various online dating services, and I've occasionally offered to let them guest blog. My friend Anna, a graduate student in Seattle, has finally taken me up on the offer, so I present to you, in two parts (it's quite long) her first post.

[Part 1]

The Good, The Bad, and The Desperate

I didn’t expect to be single right now. Almost exactly a year ago, the guy I thought I was going to marry, Jordan, broke up with me. So suddenly that I didn’t see it coming. It took a lot of tears before I started enjoying my unexpected singlehood.

And then I met Jay on a hike. We dated for four months. It was like a fast-moving romantic hurricane that ended when we realized – on Thanksgiving Day – that maybe we weren’t as compatible as we had thought. For example, I want children. I’m 29, and my biological clock is most definitely ticking. Jay can’t stand kids. But it’s easy to overlook things like that when your partner is, um, taking you to Hawaii.

Since early December, I’ve been on six first dates. Seven, if you count last night’s – but that one deserves its own blog post. Some have been good. A couple have been really bad. And one, in particular, made me want to go hide in a corner because the guy was so desperate.

Before I get into all that, there’s a little more that all of Katie’s readers should know. I’m a Seattle native who still lives in her hometown. I love Seattle – especially on beautiful, crisp, clear mornings such as this one. The mountains are a short drive away, and I’ve spent so much of my life surrounded by water that it feels strange when I’m not. Most of the time, I love my fair city. It’s full of bookstores, characters, seafood, concerts, parks, and yes, coffee. Because of the tech industry, Seattle also happens to be home to my “type” – the Geeky Mountain Man. Go hang out in Ballard on a weekend and you’ll spot plenty of ‘em. Yet all those rumors about the Seattle freeze? They’re true. People don’t really talk to each other here. You could be standing next to a tall, cute, 30-something bearded Geeky Mountain Man on the bus, chatting away about hiking gear and REI, and never get his number. Let alone learn his name. If you want to “meet people in real life” to date, good luck. Seattleites don’t talk to strangers.

This is why online dating is so big here.

Back to the six first dates. Since early December, I’ve gone out with Hungover Guy, NW Male Action Hero #1, Justin, Desperate Guy, Pete, and High School Guy. I’ll take these in order.

Hungover Guy, a lawyer, met me at a coffee shop near Green Lake. One of the first things I noticed about him is that he looked like crap. There was no way he was the 32 he claimed on his profile. He looked more like 42. I bought a chai, and suggested that we walk around the lake, as it was a pretty day. One of the first things he says to me is “I’m so hungover.”

Yeah. Did I mention it was 1 PM on a Sunday?

As we were walking around the lake, I tried to start a good conversation. Yet he kept coming back to the fact that he’d gotten really wasted the night before. He told me that all Seattle natives were assholes, and that my Irish family must like getting really drunk all the time. Had we not had half of a lake to walk around, I probably would have gotten up and left. But I’d committed to walking around Green Lake with this jerk. There wasn’t even a handshake at the end of this date. It was that bad.

NW Male Action Hero #1 was better. I just didn’t really feel any spark. He took me to Tamarind Tree, a super tasty Vietnamese place in the International District. The food was good, and I enjoyed our conversation about climbing mountains and good places to snowshoe. No spark, though. We just weren’t that into each other. Moving on.

Justin I won’t say much about, as we’ve decided to be friends. Good guy. Super busy. Not the right person for me. Very hopeful he finds someone as sweet as he is.

Then, there was Desperate Guy...

[End of Part 1]

I'll post the rest of her entry tomorrow. Check back to read the adventures with Desperate Guy, Pete, and High School Guy.

We're Both Ovo-Lacto Vegetarians—Let's Date!

2011-01-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

On a conventional dating site (they've been around long enough to use the word conventional, don't you think?), the title statement could easily be made. However, if one is truly committed to dating someone of a certain type (Jewish, vegetarian, eco-friendly, book-loving, etc.), there are now countless dating sites devoted to matching people who fit specific criteria. I know plenty of people who have used J-Date, a site for matching Jewish singles, but I don't think I know anyone who has tried Alikewise.com (bibliophiles), Cupidtino.com (Mac/Apple-lovers), or 420Dating.com (I thought that was Craigslist…).

Today's New York Times includes a fairly long article about these new dating sites, including the ones mentioned above. Read the full article here.

Iran Says No to V-Day

2011-01-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Despite the holiday being more than a month away, the AP felt it important to report today that the government of Iran is cracking down on the symbols of Valentine's Day. And, because I don't have anything new from my own life to report, I thought I'd go ahead and post this:

The annual homage to romance on Feb. 14 has become popular in recent years in Iran and other places in the Middle East.

But Iran's semiofficial ILNA news agency reports Sunday that a state directive now bans any cards, gifts, teddy bears or other tokens of the day — which tradition says is named after an early Christian martyr.

The backlash in the Islamic Republic is part of a drive against the spread of Western culture.

Other Muslim countries such as Saudi Arabia also have sought to stamp out Valentine's Day. But it's celebrated widely in nearby places such as Dubai.

In a Relationship

2010-12-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

As most of you know or have guessed by now, Björn and I are now in a relationship. I've changed my status on the dating site (and Facebook) after a brief discussion with him—that began with the release of Julian Assange's dating profile and lovesick e-mails, if you can believe it. (Björn is mildly obsessed with the whole Wikileaks thing, especially since it, like he, has close ties to Iceland.)

Sadly for me, he returned to Iceland on Sunday where he'll stay for two weeks. Happily for you, I'll be filling his absence by posting a bunch of online dating stories I've found in the media recently.

Today we'll start things off with a story about a Seattle woman who is trying to find love through Facebook, as written by my wonderful aunt. (Have you ever tried to meet someone through FB?)

Post-Thanksgiving Update

2010-12-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

Oops—it's been a week. Sorry about that. I was getting so good at posting regularly. Thanksgiving and then a nasty cold happened.

Anyway, my third date with Björn went quite well. We did indeed repeat my first date with Henry (Indian food and classical music), this time with Henry being on stage. There was no awkwardness between the three of us—though I didn't tell Björn that Henry was my ex-boyfriend, just a friend—and a fun evening was had by all.

It was raining when Björn and I left, but we had to walk to the bus. On the way to the bus we examined the neighborhood's murals—and had our first kiss. From there, the plan to take the bus was abandoned and we ended the night at my place.

We hung out again the following night, but then it was Thanksgiving break. He had Wednesday-Sunday off and no interest in an American Thanksgiving, so he booked a last-minute trip to Vegas, while I headed to my parents' house. He was very clear about how much he missed me while he was gone, even passing up Zumanity at my urging/request (if you don't know what it is or why I wouldn't want him to go there alone, watch this), and was very eager to see me upon his return on Sunday.

Now, I like him. However, I'm pretty sure I don't like him on the same level as he likes me. For example, when we were talking about how we have both had many changes in our lives in the last year, his list included moving from Iceland to two other international cities before moving here last spring—and meeting me. Oh, and when I said that this year had been a big year for me, in that I went with having slept with no one at the beginning of 2009 to one at the beginning of 2010 to, well, a few more than that this year, he said, "and I hope only one next year."

I've never been in this position before. I've always been the one that cared about the other person more deeply (obsessively?) so to have the tables turned on me is unexpected and confusing, to say the least. We've got two and a half weeks left before Björn goes to Iceland for two weeks at the holidays, so we'll see where they take us.

String-less Fun

2010-11-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

The trailer for the upcoming movie No Strings Attached shows nothing relating to online dating per se; however it does address the idea of casual sex, which some online daters seem more fond of than others. I've had a couple of encounters in the last year that fall near that category, but I've realized that I'm just not cut out for that type of relationship (or lack there of, as the case may be). Is anybody? It just seems so emotionally complicated. What do you think?

2010-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't seen this yet, here's a funny video about dating in the internet age. (Oh, and in case you're wondering, Björn is incredibly Google-able.)

I Might Have Been Wrong

2010-11-21T18:54:00.000-08:00

After little contact throughout the week, I heard from Björn again on Thursday. It was a very short message, simply asking how my week was going. I could have written back with an equally short response, but I decided to be spontaneous and ask if he had any plans that night. I figured if we didn't go out then, I might not be free until after Thanksgiving week, and that didn't really seem fair.

Well, he was free, so we went to dinner where we sat and talked for over two hours. He's definitely growing on me, because after dinner, I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet. We ended up spending an hour wandering through the MoMA and another hour watching the ice skaters at Union Square before I finally realized that it was past 10 and I had to get up early the next morning. I waited with him until his bus came, at which point he kissed me on the cheek and went on his way.

That's when the butterflies started to flit around and I realized that not only would I like to go out with him again, but I didn't want to wait over a week to do so. Therefore, we'll be going on a near repeat of my first date with Henry—to hear Henry sing. (H and I have stayed friends, seeing each other at least every couple of months.) Don't worry, I asked H first if it would be OK to bring someone, and he was only encouraging.

I will, of course, let you know what happens; however, it might be a few days. I've got a couple of articles about online dating that will post in the meantime.

Puns—Everybody Loves Them, Right?

2010-11-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

While browsing profiles the other day, I came across one that used more puns and wordplay than I've ever encountered—and that's saying something. Check out the following sections of his profile:

About Me:
Yes-indeed I am a colorful person! Life's a big, hue-ge thing full of shades-of-gray, but I choose to cast the most vibrant light on it that I can. Maybe you can already guess at the tint of my lenses by the tone of my voice ;)

My full profile runs the whole gamut but suffice it to say that there are a few things to be sure of - a PAL is nice but a pal-ette is really where it's at.

What's that? The temperature's cooling as you stick out your tongue-sten? Why not just HID that away and say hallo-gen! I bet if I keep this up, you'll make me walk the Planck :O

You Should Send Me a Message If:
You laugh at jokes like "Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says; we don't serve your type here." You might then follow-up with "but then Comic' got bold and stayed." To which I'd retort "Comic' got away with that for a while, but the bartender soon got tired of his face, and kicked him out - an act that only served to underline what might have become a grave situation."

Or you find great delight in hearing that "A proton and a neutron walked into a bar, where they ordered drinks. When the neutron went to pay, the bartender said; for you, no charge."

If you didn't laugh (since that would only act as encouragement,) you can at least tolerate that sort of behavior and give a hint when the pun-ch line was crossed. Words can be serious, but I say that they're just more for play.

Now, I have to admit that I rather like that Comic Sans joke; however, I could have done without all of the other jokes, puns, etc. It's just too much. What do you think? Would you message him?

This Could Be You

2010-11-18T08:07:00.000-08:00

Well, yes, it could, but it won't. Is there anyone out there who would be excited by this? (Note: I blurred it a bit and made it grayscale to somewhat obscure his identity.)

Oh, but it gets better. This [insert your favorite derogatory male name here] thinks he can win us over with this profile pic:

A Message From the Prince of Persia

2010-11-17T08:03:00.000-08:00

Well, not quite, but he is from Tehran. He sent me this message last night, exactly as it appears below. I can't even begin to say how much I wish he lived here so we could be together forever…

hello [my username],
It will be pitty if we just visit a profile and not drop a line..
please let me to taste happiness by your friendship.
My dear sweet angel ,I feel you in heart and it made me warm and alive..
here is my email: [removed for privacy]
I wait to hear from you.life is short,let don't lose the opportunity.
yours for ever

[first name here]

"from Ralf Waldo Emerson:The only way to have a friend is to be a one"

I Don't Know What To Say About This

2010-11-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

I just received a message from a guy who lives in SF, is near to my age, but couldn't be further from my tastes—I don't think. Since I've decided not to post people's real usernames anymore (I got in a spot of trouble for that last spring), let's just say his name was something like RavenousHOTbear and his profile picture is of a black bear.

The message read:

I really want to get to know you. Being a Bear, It isnt easy you know!!!!!GGRRRRRRRRRR

So I looked him up and found the first sentences of his profile. I've pasted them below with the first two adjectives replaced so as to protect his identity (though why I really feel the need to protect this guy's identity is beyond me).

Grrrrrr... I'm a [Ravenousss], [Hotttttt] Bearrr. Uhh, yeah. So I live in a cave but I totally am looking for that Perfect Honeeeyyy. I'm not into DUDES who don't shave. I am talking to you there Beg Burly BOB. Anywhoo.....

All I can conclude is that this guy is a total weirdo. At least he made me laugh…

Wowwwwwwwwwww!!!

2010-11-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

I guess this is meant to be flattering, but I'll let you decide:

Subject Line: Wowwwwwwwwwww!!!
Message: Look at youuuuuuuu…
Do you have any idea how could there be so much beauty and sexiness in one person?

Late Night IMs - Part 456

2010-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

I recently received this gem of an IM. Without any initial pleasantries, he went with:

where do pencil skirts, crisp hardbacks, leather pumps and an alarm clock rank among yer favourite things?

I almost responded, because it was a lot more interesting than "hi" or "i like yur smile", but he's 22 and lives in the UK.

Nice Guy, But My Children Will Not Speak Icelandic

2010-11-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Or so I thought, as I was walking home last night. We had a good time yesterday, Björn and I. We kept up a steady conversation for over four hours, on the way to the museum, at the museum, and over dinner—but I didn't feel any sparks or butterflies. Then, less than half an hour after I got home, I received a text from him saying how much he'd enjoyed the evening and hoped we could go out again.

The thing is, I don't dislike him, I just don't know if there's anything there worth pursuing. Yet the thought of saying no makes me feel really bad, so I think I'll give him another chance. That said, I also plan to send out a few messages to a few other guys on the site and see where those take me.

Late Night IMs - When Will I Learn?

2010-11-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

Silly, silly me. After getting home late last night, I logged in to the dating site to reply to a message (read more about that below). As I was doing so, I received IMs from a variety of guys. Surprise, surprise, none were worth responding to. Here are some of the choice messages I received:

Guy (whose profile picture is just of his abs):
   - Hello
   - How are you ding?
   -*doing?
Me: closed the chat window

Guy #2 (whose username is a very non-sexy Disney Movie title):
   -Sadly you're not looking for casual sex. :(
Me: closed the chat window

Guy #3 (whose profile pic is him with a half naked male doll (or maybe it's an avatar?) posing next to him):
   -hi whats up, hows your night goin
Me: waited a moment to see if he'd correct the spelling of "going" but the realized he wouldn't (given he'd also forgotten an apostrophe and a question mark). Closed the chat window.

I sincerely doubt I would have responded to any of these anyway, but I was more interested in writing a message to Björn. Yes, Björn, not Bill, Bob, or Buster. You see, this gent is Icelandic, so I figured I should give him a genuine Icelandic name as his alias. Anyways, he messaged me over the weekend, right after I'd reactivated my account and I decided to write back. Now, seven or eight messages later, we're gearing up for a date tomorrow. I don't know that anything will come of it, but who knows?

I'm Back

2010-11-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

Whether it was seeing some of my friends in great relationships, the changing of the seasons, or the need for more lunacy in my life, something drove me to re-enable my profile on the dating site. I promise to write more soon, but I just wanted to post a heads-up: this blog is back.

I Disabled My Account

2010-06-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

After not having logged into the dating site for almost four months, I finally did today. I had received an e-mail that said somebody had been looking at my profile. I've received several such messages in the last few months, along with some telling me that guys had rated me highly and one that I had been (based on my profile photo) deemed "more attractive than average." I guess I was really bored, but it was time to check in. Yet when I did, I felt absolutely no inclination to look at profiles, read messages, or anything. On the off chance I want to resume online dating, I left my profile intact but I have made it so no one can see it until I choose to log in again.

Au revoir, dating site.

Nearing the End

2010-04-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned last time, I've run out of energy for online dating. It takes a lot to maintain my profile and wade through the multitudes on the site and, now that I have a job again, I don't really have as much time to do that. It's not that I don't have time to date or be in a relationship (like some people we know, *cough* Travis, *cough* Paul…), but I'd rather spend my free time out and about doing things and potentially meeting people than sitting at home in front of my computer for hours on the dating site.

Travis and I continue to e-mail. We went out last weekend for lunch and ultimately spent less than an hour together. I suggested trying to get together for dinner during the week, but he says that he's "not sure about weeknights, as I've really started to value just getting those few hours each night to sit around and decompress." While I totally understand the need to decompress, it's just one more sign that he clearly does not have the time for a relationship right now.

And then there's Paul, the Miata. I like him a lot. We hung out again on Friday, just as friends, and had a really nice time. There are so many things to like about him, but there are just enough things that I dislike that I know a relationship with him would never work, even if he was ready for one. All in all, I'm happy to have a great new friend. I need more of those.

This is my 197th post. I might try to stretch the blog out to 200, but there probably won't be much after that. If there's anything you think I should write about before I go on hiatus, please let me know. I'd love your suggestions!

Intelligence and Maturity

2010-03-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

This week has taught me a valuable lesson: a person can be amazingly knowledgeable and intelligent without being all that mature. I'm sure some of you will disagree with me about my definition of mature, but I feel mine is pretty standard.

Here's the thing: Travis is very, very smart. Without telling you exactly who he is, I can say that he is a five-time national champion in his field, one that requires a lot of knowledge about a lot of different things. Those of you who know me, know that I like smart people and that I want a partner who (at least) matches me in intelligence. However, you also know that I'm someone who values the more 'cultured' aspects of life—fine art and music, excellent food, smart humor—and have little interest in low-brow, often mass-market entertainment. Call me a snob, I probably am, but that's just me. Travis definitely beats me in smarts, but it's these other qualities that don't match up. I feel like most of the things he does in his free time are about the same as those done by boys half his age.

Then there's another kind of maturity: maturity in relationships. I get the feeling that Travis hasn't dated much, much less been in many—if any—relationships. That's fine in theory, I certainly don't have that much experience, but with him it shows. There are few good things about this, namely his great frequency of communication, but I'm not sure I want to be the one to train him on the others. And yet, I'm not ready to tell him off just yet. If he decides we shouldn't see each other again, then I'll probably be OK with that; however, if he does want to see me again, then I'll be happy to see him.

Also, as much as it bothers me to admit this, I'm kind of done with the dating site for a while. Having been off it for about a month while I've been messaging and seeing Travis, I don't really have any great desire to get back on it at the moment. I've gone on dates with seven different people in three months and I'm kind of exhausted with the whole thing. The part that bothers me is that I do want to find someone, to be with someone, but perhaps I should just try what so many have before me and let things happen naturally.

Conveniently Close

2010-03-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I sing with a chorus. It's a fabulous group and we put a ton of work in each week to ensure that our performances are musical, moving, and fun. Rehearsal, however, leaves me exhausted—two and a half hours of intense concentration and singing will do that to a person—and the last thing I want to do upon leaving is begin my hour-long trek home on the bus.

How convenient then that Travis lives five blocks away from our rehearsal hall. As soon as I realized he lived that close, I immediately began dreaming about being able to go to his place and spend the night there. Using my desire to bring him some homemade brownies as an excuse, I asked if I could go over after his rehearsal. I was a bit afraid he'd refuse—I mean, we've only been on one date—but he said yes! Knowing that I'd be able to go to Travis', made the last hour of rehearsal so much easier.

Ultimately, Travis and I are responsible adults, which is my way of saying that I only stayed an hour and then headed back out. He has a lengthy commute every morning and had an early meeting this morning to boot; we both knew that if I stayed, our chance of getting much sleep was pretty small. Plus, he lives in a studio apartment with no couch. I told him that if he had a couch, I could just stay there; he told me that having me in his apartment at all would ensure that he didn't get any sleep. Well then. So we cuddled and kissed, but managed to separate long enough to get me out the door. A few minutes after I left, he texted me and told me that seeing me out was really hard to do. I wrote back to remind him that he'll get to see me again soon enough and that he could sleep in as long as he wants on Saturday—he's coming over to my place on Friday night, ostensibly for a cooking lesson and Scrabble, though I'm sure that won't be all…

Three Weeks of Preamble = Excellent First Date

2010-03-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a bit of a tease, since I don't have time to write much, but:

- Theo's disappeared. I never heard from him after our second date. Also, I think he blocked my e-mail.
- Paul's still around, but we haven't seen much of each other and, because he's been in finals mode at school for the last few weeks, we haven't chatted much either.
- Jesse? Who knows what happened to him. Then again, I don't care.
- Travis. He messaged me and we messaged, IMed, and texted for a few weeks before we finally went out on Friday. Fantastic. I can't wait to see him again. I'll write more, as soon as we've worked out the second date.

Since Travis came along, I've pretty much been off of the dating site. It's been at least a week since I logged in. I continue to receive messages, but I've not responded to any of them. I rather like this situation.

Oh, and for those of you who liked my car metaphors, I have no idea what Travis is and that's just fine for now.

Dating to Learn

2010-03-12T23:26:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog, I was learning to date. Two years later, I know how to date. I know what makes a good first date and what doesn't, what to wear (I have a signature green hat that has become my "I'll be the one in the green hat" identifier), what to talk about and what to leave for future dates (if there are any), and how to get out of a date I'm not enjoying.

Now, instead of learning how to date, I'm paying more attention to what my dates have to teach me. Of all the guys I've met in person and the many more I've only encountered online, I've learned all sorts of things. One of the main things I've learned is how to appreciate something even if I don't enjoy it myself. Sandy, for example, explained to me why he enjoys riding motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles, but, thanks to him, I can see why they appeal to so many people. Carl and Paul have discussed their fondness for video games, Carl for developing them, Paul for playing them. Just because I don't understand the appeal of trying to become a Level 65 mage doesn't mean others can't have a great time doing so. Dan tried his hardest to get me to like roller coasters. Sorry, Dan, they're not for me. I'm simply not an adrenaline junkie. However, I can appreciate how much goes into making a good roller coaster and why so many people enjoy them.

Others have introduced me to things I might, or might not, have found on my own. Aiden pointed me to the beautiful soundtrack of "Atonement." Theo introduced me to Bruckner. Henry taught me the game Flux—how had I never played it before?—and retaught me gin rummy; I proceeded to beg him to play both games with me for months after. And even though Gavin couldn't for the life of him give me any reason to enjoy his stories about military training, he did take me to a great neighborhood restaurant.

A full, updated blog post will be up soon, but it's been a long week what with starting my new job(!) and I just haven't had the energy to write. What have your dates taught you?

On a Lighter Note

2010-03-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

After days of angsty, advice-seeking posts, I thought it was time for something funny. I found this humor article ("Coffee Date's Hidden Thoughts—Revealed!") by Mark Miller on the Huffington Post today and found it to be wonderfully accurate. I've gone on a number of dates like the one in the piece, though, fortunately, my rejects (including all of the ones I've rejected on the dating site before even contacting or meeting them) could only fill the stands at a high school gym and not a baseball stadium.

You Are Amazing

2010-03-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

I started off the weekend as confused as I could possibly be, but, thanks to all of your comments, I finished it much more sound of mind. If you haven't read the comments on my last two posts, I encourage you to do so. I received lots of great advice and perspectives and was able to really think through the odd situation in which I've found myself. So here's what I've determined:

Theo is the one I would like to keep seeing in earnest. He has come across as a bit shy, so, after waiting three days since our date last week, I decided to message him last night. I have no problem with taking it slow with him, though I do hope that our next date doesn't involve a frantic run to catch the last train (like the first two did).
Paul is a cool guy, but a bit of a player. Should things not work out with Theo, he'd be around if I wanted him to be.
Jesse is the wild card. He asked me out at the last minute tonight, but I'm home sick with a cold. I asked him if we might be able to hang out later this week. He seems interesting, so I don't want to write him off, but I'm treading very slowly with him.

Even though I've sorted this out for now, I'm sure I'll have a lot more to consider in the weeks ahead. Please continue to comment and share advice/experiences. It means the world to me.

Car Metaphors

2010-02-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

I started to write this as a response to Lanafactrix's comment on my last post, but I decided to make a new post out of it.

Lanafactrix has identified with my rational brain completely. Paul probably is bad news, but I'm not quite ready to let go of him yet.

The thing is, I think I like Theo a lot. L suggested that if he doesn't light my fire, that perhaps I ought to be with someone who does. However, it's not that Theo doesn't light my fire, rather that we are moving at a very different speed than I have with Paul.

I don't know how to drive, but if I did, Peter would be a red Miata and Theo would be a silver Volvo. The Miata is prone to being pulled over by cops, but is exhilarating to drive; the Volvo, on the other hand, is top quality, down to earth, and safe.

Ultimately, I know I want the Volvo, but I'm not quite done with my test drive of the Miata.

I'm Completely and Utterly Confused

2010-02-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

So I made the mistake of going out with Paul on Thursday and then Theo on Friday. Knowing that I'd be seeing Theo on Friday for a second date, I told Paul that Thursday was going to be a strictly friends outing for us. I had to specify this because Paul has recently told me that, while he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, he's very much attracted to me and isn't sure he can be "just friends." When I met up with him for a casual dinner, I was feeling really excited about my upcoming date with Theo. I was sure that I'd have no problem behaving like I do with any of my other friends.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Paul tried to play it cool during dinner, but by the time we went across the street for ice cream, he was rapidly losing his ability to be just friendly. There was much flirtation and flattery and it got to me. My rational brain was fighting a serious uphill battle against my emotional brain; his rational brain was nearly decimated.

And still, the night was young, so we went over to a bar to sit and talk some more. By this point we were holding hands across the table. He wouldn't let go, but I didn't want him to. Therein lies the confusion. Even though I'd only been on one, completely G-rated date with Theo, at this point, I really want things to work out with him. Were I to do anything with Paul at this point, I worry that it would come back to bite me later if things with Theo continue to go well.

To make matters even more confusing, the second date with Theo went really well, but it was just as slow as the first. We seem to like each other and enjoy each other's company, we share many of the same likes and dislikes, and we always have plenty to talk about. That last point has, oddly enough, been the only real problem on our dates as we've found ourselves rushing to get him on the last train home at the end of the evening and never have time for a decent goodbye.

On paper, Theo wins against Paul hands down. He's older, more mature, witty and funny in the same way I am, passionate about classical music, a good dresser (I never did tell him last night how handsome he looked in his suit), doesn't drink or smoke, etc. However, I can't ignore the fact that there's incredibly intense physical attraction between me and Paul. My rational self picks Theo. My emotional self picks Paul. Which one will win in the end? I don't know, but I sure would like to find out soon.

P.S. In my last post I mentioned that I'd messaged with Jesse while waiting for an e-mail from Theo. I'd not heard anything from him since, so I assumed that I wouldn't. Only I did. I'm incredibly flattered to have the attention of these guys, but it makes everything so freaking complicated. If Daria's Quinn Morgendorfer (top left) and Gilmore Girls' Rory Gilmore (above right) morphed into one person, it might very well be me.

Online Dating Etiquette

2010-02-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Edit: Since writing this, I've received a short but sweet message back from Theo. All is well. We're talking about getting together again this weekend. Plus, while I was waiting to hear from him I had a nice exchange of messages with a guy I'll call Jesse. Depending on how things work out with Theo, I may end up meeting up with Jesse. So the below now really is just a lot of frustration I needed to get out of my system.

Disclaimer: this post is a bit of a rant, though it's also an update and an ask for advice.

When looking for a date in the real world, one must have tough skin. A lot of energy is put into scoping out, approaching, and attempting to speak to potential dates. It's hard enough to approach, let alone speak, to someone new, so there are plenty of people who are only seen from afar and remembered as "what ifs?." In the real world, if one is fortunate enough to elicit a phone number from another, it's up to the receiver of that number to call it and the giver to answer (or even give a real number in the first place).

Online, it's different. Everyone is just as approachable as everyone else. There are no groups of friends to push you toward someone, the person being approached can't see you coming and hide before you get to them (well, not usually), and his/her friends can't intervene. If you do choose to message someone, it's understood that if he/she is not interested, there's no need to reply.

However, what remains the same with real-world and online dating is that if you actually go on a date with someone, the rules during and after that date are the same. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a date ends with "This was really fun and we should do it again," there's going to be an assumption that there might be a second date.

Such is the situation I find myself in with Theo (and the one I had with Aiden). I sent that second date message and am now waiting for a response. Perhaps I'm more polite than the average person, but if I receive a second date message from someone I've decided I don't want to see again, I at least have the courtesy to write him back. Is this too much to ask?

The one difference between the real world and online, is that in the real world, if you go on a date with a guy you met at the bar and you don't hear from a him again, you have no idea what he's up to. In the online world, you can see what he's up to, if he's been online, if he's been updating his profile.

Then again, one can also see that 21 year-old guys with usernames like kickaxecode want you to IM with them. That just adds insult to injury.

Second Date vs. Nth Date

2010-02-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in the comments on a recent post, I've reached the point of wanting to settle down. For good. Therefore, the stakes have changed for my dates. If I'm asked out and I accept, it's usually because the guy seems nice enough, though I usually don't have a lot of hope of him making it to a second date. However, if I ask a guy out, there's a huge difference—I want him to make it to the nth date, not just the second.

Such is the case with Theo. I had an excellent time with him Saturday night and I'd really like to see him again. Unless if I completely misread him as we said hasty goodbyes as I got off the train, he's interested too. I sent him a short message this morning, so now the wait begins.

In other news, I read this somewhat offensive column on Huffington Post today. Now, I have to start by saying that the author is a senior in college and a guy, so his perspective is likely to be different than mine anyway. Still, I can't say that I'd consider doing any of the things he mentions in his column. Would you?

Theo: Henry v.2?

2010-02-19T23:39:00.000-08:00

I've got another date tomorrow—guy number 18 for those of you playing along at home—with a guy I'll call Theo. I first came across his profile last October after the breakup with Henry, but, given that he'd just joined the site, I thought I'd wait a little while before messaging him. Then, as is my wont, I decided he was too good to message. (I know I've written about this before, but for the life of me I can't find the post.) However, as I was searching through my matches last weekend, I saw that he hadn't been messaged in over a week. I figured this might improve my chances of hearing back from him, so I got up the nerve to write.

To keep this short(er), we're going out tomorrow. So here's my worry: he's oddly similar to Henry. They share these things (among many others, I'm sure):
- Theo is German, Henry studied abroad in Austria and speaks German
- Theo is a "retired musicologist," Henry went to grad school for music
- Theo is in grad school for computer stuff, Henry did that in undergrad

To cap that off, our first date is going to be pretty much what my first date was with Henry: dinner at an ethnic restaurant and a free concert at a cafe. Who knows though? Henry and I dated for over seven months. Perhaps Theo will at least make it to date two.

The Tyrany of Soft Expectations

2010-02-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

The title of this post comes from a comment on my last post left by the lovely Lanafactrix. In case you didn't see her comment, she said:

I think, as far as men our age go, they're suffering partly from the tyranny of soft expectations. American culture tells them that they shouldn't want a steady girlfriend or a wife or, God forbid, children. Young men in serious relationships are ridiculed constantly by their peers, whereas young women are congratulated by theirs.

Her comment reminded me of an article I read in the New York Times a few weeks ago ("On College Campuses, a Shortage of Men"). While not about online dating, the article pointed out how men, particularly when they are in the minority of a population, "have all the power to control the intensity of sexual and romantic relationships."

What I find particularly interesting about all of this is that the gender split on my dating site seems to favor women. From what I can tell, there are significantly more men on the site than there are women. I did a sample search using my standard criteria (straight, 25-32, within 25 miles of me, single, no smoking) for men and then women. There were over 1000 men, but only 840 women who fit that search. Sure, this is not the most scientific data, but I'd wager it's pretty accurate. Add to this the societal pressure for men to send the first message and women can really be picky.

But then, perhaps this is all one vicious downward spiral: More men than women, women can pick and choose from the messages sent by men, but then fewer men want long-term relationships, etc. My head is starting to spin… What do you think?

Short-term vs. Long-term Dating

2010-02-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this a lot recently due to the whole Paul situation. When I wrote last week, I said that Paul and I had agreed we were going to be friends due to his inability to commit to a relationship at present. I also thought we were going to see each other this past weekend. It turns out that a) he's too busy to hang out on most weekends and b) he just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship at all at this point in his life. We IMed tonight and, in our honest conversation, he said that he's going to stay on the dating site despite his unwillingness to commit to anyone. His profile says he's looking for short-term as well as long-term dating (clearly that last one doesn't match up with reality).

In the more than two years I've been on the dating site, I've never really been able to determine what's meant by "short-term" dating. Now that I've finally had to think about it, I guess it's whatever is between one-night stands and long-term relationships. I guess I've wanted to "settle down" for a while now—I've always craved stability—so I can't remember a time when I wanted to casually date anyone. I am realizing though, what with Paul and, of course, Henry, that there aren't a lot of guys out there that are ready at this point in their lives (mid- to late-twenties) to settle down. Why is this?

If you have any insight into the short-term/long-term situation, please share.

Middle of February

2010-02-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

This is an awkward time for most single folks, but slightly more awkward for me: if Henry and I hadn't broken up, today would have been our first anniversary. I battled bouts of general loneliness all last week, but then with the approach of Valentine's Day and the non-anniversary, I was particularly out of sorts.

Enter Jake. I found his profile Friday night, looked at it, determined I should message him, left the window open, and then turned away from my computer screen to watch the Olympics. When I looked back at the screen a little while later, I found a message from him. I messaged him back and after a few more messages over the next 24 hours, he decided to ask if I might be free on Sunday. He acknowledged that it was VD and that we didn't have to go out that day if it would be weird, but I had nothing better to do, so I said yes.

I'm not going to go into the details of the date—we took a long walk through many neighborhoods of the city he'd not been to before—because ultimately, it wasn't that exciting. We managed to keep a conversation going throughout the three or so hours, but by the end of that time we were really out of things to say. However, it was nice to get out yesterday, meet someone new, (eat some ice cream), and not be at home moping about how everyone seems to have a Valentine except me—which, of course, I realize is not true, but it sometimes feels that way.

On a related note, did anyone see the commercials for Walgreens' Valentine's Day gift help? I can't find a video of it online, but Walgreens still has the promotional website up. Check it out here. It's a bit ridiculous, no?

Finding Mr. Right

2010-02-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day only a few days away, the media is throwing countless dating stories at us. This year the hot topic is social media and dating—they had to find a new angle for a new year, but they all chose the same one…

Rachel Greenwald, author of Find a Husband After 35: Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School, has a new book out called Have Him at Hello: Confessions From 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love… or Never Call Back. She blogged about it today on the Huffington Post, focusing on four ways to find men in the digital age. In the post titled "Valentine's Day Book: Where Can I Find Mr. Right?" she says women too often ask "where" rather than "how." Her suggestions for how:

Using Facebook - Scroll through your friends' friends and ask for an introduction
Tweeting - Tweet details of a casual meeting, i.e., happy hour, and ask your friends/followers to bring friends
Meetup.com - Search for local singles groups
Teaching your own man-class - Teach a class on a topic about which men are often clueless, i.e., cooking; men will flock to the class, and hopefully some will ask you out after

Of these, I've done one of the four. After Henry and I split, I joined Meetup.com and joined a number of groups, including some targeted at singles. I've yet to go to any group designed for singles; however, I did meet Alex through a Meetup.com group.

I have thought about asking my friends on Facebook to set me up on a blind date, but I've never looked at their friends to find a date.

I—and most of my friends—refuse to use Twitter (at least for my personal life). Therefore, I won't be using Twitter as she suggests.

Finally, teaching a man-class? I don't think so. I'm way too introverted.

Have you, dear readers, ever used any of these techniques to find a date? Please let me know.

The Bachelor

2010-02-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

I should preface this post by saying that I've never watched "The Bachelor" or any of the other such programs that have tarnished the airwaves over the last decade.

The other day I came across a Newsweek article entitled "A Black President Before a Black 'Bachelor'?" It was the TV critic's review of the current season of ABC's "The Bachelor" and the critic, Joshua Alston, chose to focus on the glaring fact that the "bachelor" has been white in each of the show's 14 seasons. (Side note: 14 seasons? I had no idea, but that just seems like 13 too many.) Mr. Alston writes about how he realized it would be silly to call the producers to ask about this because he knows that Americans overwhelmingly marry within their own race. He goes on to say,

White people are the majority in this country and, therefore, the best audience to target from a ratings standpoint, and there's risk in alienating viewers who may have less enlightened views on interracial couples. Could they cast a black man? Sure. Would it be smart to? Probably not. The Bachelor is one of many pop-culture artifacts that highlight the uncomfortable gap between the way we'd like to think of racial integration and the way it actually is. Just as people of different races don't often date each other or worship together, we also don't read many of the same books, or like many of the same movies, or adore many of the same celebrities. Certainly not as much as we'd like to believe.

Read the article and, if you've not already read them, my two previous posts about race (here and here). Then, let me know what you think. I'm curious to know if you think that the online dating world reflects the larger, nationwide trends written about in the Newsweek piece or if it is more liberal or conservative.

Smart Women

2010-02-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

I've recently become a regular reader of the Huffington Post, where I stumbled upon this article: "Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating?" by Dr. Alex Benzer (hypnotherapist and author of Tao of Dating, Tao of Persuasion, Tao of Sexual Mastery). In the article, Dr. Benzer writes about how he hates seeing all of his "smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts."

Here are the seven things Dr. Benzer believes are keeping all of us smart women from finding the right man:

Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.
Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date.
Smart women don't make love a top priority.
Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.
Smart women overthink it.
Smart women underplay their feminine charms.
Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

I'm not sure that I agree with Dr. Benzer on most of these points, though I know #5 will always be true for me. I'm an expert overanalyzer. Read the article and tell me what you think. Do agree with him on any of these. Disagree? Have something to add to the list?

From One to Three

2010-02-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

The second date with Paul was really fun and we both had a really good time. However, Paul made it clear—and I much prefer this to being strung along—that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment. (This, of course, begs the question (as *Ily actually asked me the other day) of why he's even on a dating site in the first place; however, I'm willing to overlook that for the time being). Paul's finishing college this year—finally—and he's also got a stressful job running the campus newspaper, so I can understand him not wanting to start a relationship now. Looking back on my own college experience, I can't imagine having a new relationship start up my senior year. The poor guy wouldn't have gotten much of my time, and what he did would have involved a very stressed-out me.

That all said, Paul and I have agreed that we are far too compatible to let each other go. We're going to go out again this week and see what happens from there. I'm not exactly sure we stand on the friend/friendlier continuum, but I'm surprisingly OK with that. What I do know is that I haven't stopped looking at other guys on the dating site.

In other news, I've been saving a bunch of articles to share and debate with you all. I've got them all set up and they'll post one a day over the week. Please share your thoughts. I love reading your comments!

From Three to One

2010-01-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

It seems like ages ago that I wrote I was going to go on three dates in one week with three different guys, though it was really only ten days ago. I realized that though a couple of you have heard from me in person about the dates, most of you are probably wondering what happened.

Tom, as I said before, turned out to be a great guy—just not the one for me. In an ideal world, I'd become friends with him; however, we met on a dating site, not a friend site, so I doubt either of us will actually pursue that. (Though if I'm ever desperate to play Scrabble, he's the one I'll call.)

I really liked Aiden. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to feel the same. We had a fine time on our date, and it ended with a “We didn’t get to discuss ____, we’ll have to do that next time” from him, so I just assumed I’d hear from himagain. Nope. I wrote him a day later to say I’d had a nice time and ask if he might be interested in another date, but I’ve not received as much as a smoke signal.

As I was still waiting to hear back from Aiden when Friday afternoon rolled around—and it was ugly and rainy out (like it had been for a few weeks)—I was quite unenthusiastic about my date with Paul that night. I thought about canceling, but he IMed me a couple of hours before to tell me how excited he was and I didn’t have the heart to cancel.

We had planned to meet at a local museum that does afterhours events on Friday nights. At 6. I got there with plenty of time to spare, so I went in for a bit to warm up before going back outside (no rain, fortunately) to wait for him a few minutes before 6. By 6:15, I was cold, grumpy, and done with my magazine. I finally texted him, figuring he was trying to find parking, only to get a reply that he was really sorry but was still a number of blocks away due to bad traffic. Fast forward another 20 minutes and a few more texts and he finally shows up. I really wanted to be mad at him, but he was so endearingly apologetic that I forgave him right away.

All in all, we had a pretty good time wandering the galleries and chatting. We left to get dinner and had another good chat before he had to leave for a late-night comedy show with a friend. I had thought I’d be relieved when it came time to go home, but I wasn’t—I wanted to see him again.

And I will. Saturday night. Of the 16 guys I’ve dated from the dating site, only four (including Paul) have made it to a second date. Will he be the third to make it to a third date?

Finally, I want to thank all of you for reading this blog, especially those of you that I’ve never met. I don’t know how you found me, but it’s pretty cool knowing that this blog has moved beyond my immediate circle of friends.

Race and Online Dating

2010-01-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

Since I received so many comments on my post "Online Dating Experiment," I thought I'd write a new post responding to them all, rather than replying to the comments.

First, in the spirit of full-disclosure, I've now dated 16 guys from the dating site and all but one—who was Asian—were white. Given that whites are quickly becoming a minority in my area, this is, perhaps, a bit strange.

Second, from what I remember—as a reminder, it's been over two years now—I've received messages from a few Asian guys, a few Indian guys, and one or two black guys. However, as is true for all of the messages from white guys, I only respond if I'm interested.

Third, as Kia discovered in her experiment, relying heavily on pictures can be a bad thing. While the dating site that I'm on doesn't require users to post pictures, it is possible to choose to only be shown profiles of the people who have. I've made this choice because, as I've mentioned in previous posts, profiles without pictures could belong to absolutely anyone. (Of course people can post fake pictures or fake profile information—and they do—but it's harder to post a whole bunch of fake pictures.) Unfortunately, by choosing this option, it's all to easy to eliminate people from a search based solely on appearance. I've eliminated people with 90+% matches a number of times simply because I don't find them attractive. Am I a bad person for this? Probably to some degree.

All that said, don't people do this in real life too? As Ily pointed out in her comment about the movie "Medicine for Melancholy," people choose to hang out at places that have "their kind of people"—people with whom they expect to get along—and by doing that, they often end up ignoring large portions of the population.

Fourth, as Carolyn wrote, dating sites encourage people to list their race. Mine has a number of boxes one can check, but one doesn't have to specify one's race. I would wager that the vast majority do, based on what I've seen, but some don't. It's definitely possible to search profiles based on race, but then the people who don't select a race (or two or three) obviously don't show up in those searches.

I hope that you will all continue to comment on this topic and share your own experiences (if you feel comfortable doing so).

As Heard on NPR

2010-01-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

After having gotten up entirely too early to deal with a very wet, leaky apartment, I crawled back in bed to listen to Morning Edition. The first story I heard, "Modern Marriages," was about a new study by the Pew Research Center about marriages in 2007 versus those in 1970. Among the study's findings were:

More women have college degrees than men (for the first time ever among those 44 or younger)
"From 1970 to 2007, husbands whose wives earned more than they did jumped from 4 percent to 22 percent"
87% of women now say that it is more important to marry a man who can communicate well, be intimate, and share the burden of housework than to marry a man who makes more money than they do

A follow up story noted that another finding of the study was that, "Today, among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, the more educated you are, the more likely you are to be married."

I found this all very interesting, especially in light of the fact that I'm going out tonight with someone, Aiden, who seems to be doing just fine financially. The dating site has a spot to put your income range on your profile, but a lot of people don't fill it in. I don't choose to date or dismiss people on the dating site because of their income or even their profession, but I'm sure there are plenty who do. Readers, has financial status/stability ever been a turn on/off for you?

Online Dating Experiment

2010-01-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

A friend and reader of this blog sent me a link to an online dating experiment conducted by a girl in DC. Her blog's called "Hi. My Name is Kia." Rather than spoil it for you, I'm going to encourage you to check it out here.

A First For Me

2010-01-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

This week I will do what I've never done before: go on three dates with three different guys. I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I'll enjoy the popularity while I have it.

I've already mentioned Aiden, the one who seems really great but lives a fair distance from me. We've plans to go out tomorrow night. Then there's Tom, who IMed me on Friday night while I was waiting to hear from Aiden. I was bored and he seemed nice enough, so we started chatting. After three hours—yeah, I know that's a long time—we had decided to go out the next day. We had lunch and went for a hike out on the coast and had a pretty good time. I liked him well enough, but I think he'd be a much better friend for me than a boyfriend. More on that another time.

I finally got an e-mail from Aiden saying that he'd call last night, only I missed his call. When I called him back, I had to leave a message. While I waited for him to call me again, I logged on to the dating site and looked at one new profile. That guy, Paul, looked at mine and IMed. Two hours go by and we're set to go out on Friday. Meanwhile, Aiden hasn't called.

The thing is that of the three, Aiden is definitely the one in whom I'm most interested. He's smart, charming, funny, and into world affairs (something Henry was not). Oh, and he's pretty good-looking to boot. The distance is the biggest obstacle, and I guess the one that makes me feel OK about going out with these other guys.

Cougars and Cubs

2010-01-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

This is pretty much unrelated to my normal line of blogging, but I've mentioned "cougars" once before so I thought I'd share this story I came across today on the Huffington Post: "Carnival Cruises Bans 'Cougars,' 'Cubs' From Future Trips."

Basically Carnival wants to keep its family friendly image, so it has turned down the request of a singles travel club to have a second "cougar-themed" cruise. What do you think? Should Carnival have done this? Do you want me (and everyone else) to refrain from mentioning "cougars" ever again?

Do you mind if I take this call? It'll be quick!

2010-01-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

Thankfully, I haven't been in need of a friend's phone call to get me out of a date (at least not recently), but I'm sure that I will at some point. The problem is that I don't have a number of the things that one usually uses as excuses in this kind of situation (siblings, pets, car). So, dear readers, what kind of excuse do you think I could use if I ever needed one? Please comment!

Two Teetotalers Walk Into a Bar…

2010-01-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I had a date this week. Jeremy (an alias of course) e-mailed me a few weeks ago about a part of my profile he found particularly interesting: "I don't drink—I simply don't like the taste of alcohol (or much of anything that is fermented, for that matter)." He said he felt the same way about alcohol and wondered how I handled telling this to people as he finds he has a hard time explaining it. I said that I tell people and if they don't like it or try to convince me that they can find an alcohol I'll like, they're not worth keeping around. After exchanging a few more e-mails, I proposed going on a bar crawl during which we'd challenge bartenders to create us their best non-alcoholic concoctions. He accepted.

Given that we exchanged no messages for the week between his acceptance of my plan and the date, I felt fairly certain this was not going to be the match of my dreams. It wasn't. Jeremy is a nice guy, don't get me wrong, and we were able to sustain conversation for a few hours, but I feel fairly certain that neither of us will be contacting each other again anytime soon. As has been the case with the last few guys I've gone out with, our match percentage was at the bottom of my threshold and I wouldn't have contacted him had he not done so first.

I've been e-mailing with another guy, let's call him Aiden, who seems like a much better prospect—if it weren't for the fact he lives an inconvenient distance from me. Not far, just far enough. That said, he seems fairly willing to come into the city, so I'm not too worried about the distance for now. More about him soon.

Also, I'll be asking for advice from you, my dear readers, in the next few posts. So start thinking about dating etiquette and stay tuned.

Match-less

2010-01-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

Most dating sites give stats about how well one person will get along with another. In my case, I can also see how unlike someone the dating site thinks I am. On any given day, the people who choose to look at my profile are 80-95% like me and 5-20% unlike me, according to the site. Today, however, my profile was viewed by someone who is supposedly 20% like me and 76% unlike me. I can't even begin to fathom what would make someone could be that different. I looked at his profile, which is quite thin on information, and found that he's in the military and Christian (but not too into it) but nothing that would make me think, "Wow, we'd never get along."

On a related note: two years on the site has made me look at my friends and family with the question of "what would our match percentage be?" For those of you who have used dating sites—and those of you who haven't—has this thought ever crossed your mind?

Lastly, I've got a date lined up for Thursday. Stay tuned for more details.

Two-year Anniversary

2009-12-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

It's been two years since I joined the dating site. I've IM'd, e-mailed, gone out with, and been in a relationship with guys from the site with some successes and, as you know, some failures. I spent my anniversary trying to increase my number of profile views (I was able to double them today) and, later, chatting with a guy who lives about as far away as one can be while still being in the continental US. Who knows, perhaps I can add penpal to the above list next year.

Dud Date

2009-12-27T09:47:00.000-08:00

I guess I would have written about it sooner—if I could have mustered up the enthusiasm. Let's call him Gavin, after my city's dear mayor (though the fact that they're both male and this guy's name began with a G is about all they have in common). He'd IM'd me one night when I was bored. I was initially put off by the fact that his profile picture showed him in a military uniform, but I decided to overlook that when I learned that he had joined the National Guard to become a translator and was interested in pursuing a career with the State Department (the latter of which has been a goal of mine from time to time).

Just as Superquail and *Ily posted in the comments however, I should have trusted my gut. When I told one of my co-workers about the date she compared him to the character from "American Pie" who always started stories with, "This one time, at band camp…" because this guy started everything with, "This one time, at basic training…" The date—dinner at a neighborhood Spanish restaurant and a shortish walk (which I quickly ended by getting on a bus to go home)—was one long string of stories about his time at basic training. If he wasn't talking about that, it was about high school and, if I was lucky, college. No matter what subject I introduced, he was able to turn it back to training within seconds. Perhaps he should be a recruiter instead of a translator.

Regardless, he didn't recruit me. So as not to spoil his Christmas, I waited until this morning to write and say that I wasn't interested. Sorry, Gavin, but you're not the one for me.

Second Date with Alex - Part 2

2009-12-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

The date was…fine. The movie we saw, "An Education," was excellent. The rest of the date, well, there was lust and not a lot else. Once that haze cleared we realized that maybe we're not the most compatible of people and decided that would be our last date.

This experience with Alex made me think a lot about the differences between dating someone from online vs. someone one meets in person. Alex and I technically met in both realms before our first date. Had I just met him in person at the meet-up group, I would have been attracted to him, but probably not have asked him out. I'm too shy. If I'd only ever encountered him online, I probably wouldn't have messaged him, given our "match percentage" on the dating site. (It wasn't particularly low, but about at the bottom of my current threshold.) Instead, we met in both places and he asked me out; unfortunately, we seem to have overlooked the fact that we don't really have anything in common. We aren't radically different from each other, but enough that anything long-term (or, apparently, short-term) never would have worked out.

He was, however, well-dressed.

Dating Standards/Second Date with Alex

2009-12-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the main point of this post: I'm going on my second date with Alex tonight. We're going to go see the movie "An Education." I'll write again tomorrow to update you all on that.

OK. On to the main point. Standards. We all have them. Some are high, others are low, but, I would venture to guess, there are some basic things we all look for in a potential partner. I wrote a post about this ages ago but it's been a while since then. While Henry met a lot of my standards, there were a few (especially at the end—this should have been a warning sign) that he didn't.

As a joke, a co-worker gave me a page-a-day calendar for 2009 called "A Year of Bad Dates." It got buried in my closet upon leaving that job in June, so it was fun to spend a few minutes the other day catching up on what I'd missed. I've got a post to write about the calendar in general, but for today I'll focus on one page that said, "Do you think you're being too picky? Heck no!" Here are their "dating standards":

While I don't care about the George Clooney part, I quite like the "impeccably dressed" part. If there's one standard Henry didn't meet that Alex does, it's that one and I can't even begin to tell you how nice it is to have someone who puts as much effort in looking good as I do.

What do you think of the list?

First Date with Alex

2009-12-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I started regularly attending a Meetup.com group for people, like me, who are unemployed. We do free or fairly cheap things during the day on weekdays and generally have a great time. When I went to sign up for my second meetup, I noticed that a guy (I'll call him Alex) from the dating site had also signed up (same picture, same guy). Deciding to play it cool, I said nothing on either site and went to the meetup—a walk around the zoo—with the expectation we might talk a bit, but that I wouldn't mention the dating site unless he did.

To make a long story shorter, we had a good time talking at the meetup, he eventually found me on the dating site, we exchanged a few messages and IMs, he came to another meetup (one that I was in charge of), but then there was silence. However, it was Thanksgiving week. Then on Monday I got a message from him asking me on a date—for milkshakes. My favorite. So I said yes and we set the milkshake date for today.

I had no idea how the date would go, but I shouldn't have worried. Alex is a really nice guy, quite different (and much better dressed) than Henry, and we had a pretty darn good time. We tentatively set another date for next week. I'll keep you posted.

Pet Peeve

2009-11-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

Photos mean a lot on an online dating site. Bad photos can leave a negative impression, while having one or no photos can make a profile look rather sketchy. (I learned that lesson with Ian, though looking back through my posts about him I see that I never mentioned he only ever posted one photo.)

So my biggest pet peeve is photos taken in front of a mirror. They're not terrible if you can't see the camera, though they're not great. However, when one can see the camera in the picture, it's generally a bad thing. It's not that hard to have a friend/roommate/relation take a decent picture or three—do it.

Canceled date—My choice

2009-11-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, I received an IM from a guy on the dating site that was different from the usual: it was something to the effect of, "I'm playing a game. I'm trying to guess what else people are doing while they're on [the dating site]." Then, without any comment from me, he made some guesses that were silly, but intriguing. Since I was bored and he got my attention by writing more than just "hi" like many do, I wrote back. We chatted about mostly benign things, and, after almost an hour, he gave me his phone number and asked if we could continue chatting in person sometime. I told him it might be a week or so, since I was really busy that week, but gave him my number anyway.

When he texted me this week, I agreed to meet him this weekend. However, I started having second thoughts: he's 36 (I'm 25), he lives about as far away from me as possible while still being in the same city, and he's 36. I guess I'm just not comfortable with such a large age difference.

Then, when he asked me to send him the info about the gallery opening I'd suggested, I found that he'd deleted his profile from the dating site. WEIRD. That's just not OK with me. Therefore, I did something I've never done before: I canceled on him. If the same thing had happened to me before Henry, I might have still gone on the date, albeit with a bit of worry. I was really desperate—and I'm not afraid to admit that now—to go on dates. I was happy to find, as I sent the cancellation text, that I felt relief and no regret.

A Date with Nate

2009-11-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I went on a date on Friday night. The previous weekend I'd received a message from a guy I'll call Nate with the subject line "Long shot." He wrote saying that he had received a pair of symphony tickets and figured, based on my profile, that I might be interested. I was. I rather like going to the symphony.

However, I had a minor thing to work through first: did I want to go out with someone who says he "sometimes" does drugs on his profile? After some thinking (and consultation with my dear friend Superquail) I decided to go for it. He didn't seem like the kind of person who would show up to a symphony date high, nor did he seem like someone who was deep into drug culture, so I figured it wouldn't be an issue. It wasn't. Plus, I didn't really see Nate as someone that I would want to date long-term; if he was, then we could talk about it.

All in all, the date was fine. We met for dinner before heading over to the symphony. It turns out that he's never been to the symphony, at least not as an adult. His dad (who does not live in the area) bought him the tickets (orchestra section!) so as to try to get him to be more cultured (or so Nate supposed). Nice dad.

Nate was a nice enough guy, but I doubt I'll see him again. We'd talked about board games during dinner, and at the end of the date he said I should call him if I was ever going to a board game meet-up; I might, but I might not. What was good was that I went on a four hour date and barely thought about Henry at all. Onwards!

Late-Night IMs

2009-11-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

I went on a date last night and I'll write more about that in a following post, but first I had to share these charming IM's I received yesterday. First I'm offered food, and then…

These Posts Write Themselves Sometimes

2009-11-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

Username + Quiz Result = WTF?

New look for Second Round

2009-10-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

Now that I've been through my first relationship that got its start online, I'm feeling less frantic and/or desperate about making the whole thing work. I hope that the new colors make the blog more readable (sorry for making you read green text on black for so long) and also lend a more relaxed attitude.

That said, you'd think I would have learned the lesson of leaving myself logged in on the dating site late at night. Apparently I haven't. I received these charming instant messages last night:

AboveEnvy: you+me=bow chicka bow wow ;)

and then:

Juangalt: We should rub our privates together tonight

Really? You guys think you're going to get me to respond by starting off like that? Sorry, I don't write back to such entreaties—I also block people like that, as I've done for both of you.

Henry's gone

2009-10-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, my relationship with Henry ended about three weeks ago. At seven and a half months, it was by far the longest relationship either of us had ever had. It was a sad break-up. He broke up with me, but I don't think it gave him any great joy to do it. We'd grown really close over those months and it was like breaking up with your best friend. He felt that we were drifting apart and that there wasn't anything we could do about it. On a good day, I find myself agreeing with him—there were a number of things we each wanted to do/were interested in that the other just couldn't muster any enthusiasm for and then there was the issue of time. I had oodles of it, not having been employed since June. He had much less, given that he spends two hours commuting plus eight hours at work. My eagerness to spend most or all of his free time with him became a strain and, even though I started to realize it in the last month of the relationship, neither of us said anything, so we allowed the stress to go unchecked.

I know that we're not going to get back together, but I also know that he's not looking for anyone new right now, and I find a lot of comfort in that. We're both still on the dating site, and we've both switched back to "single;" however, he told me last week (when I went over to his place to pick up my stuff) that he's just doing his thing and enjoying having the free time to do all of those things I never cared about (like brewing beer, experimenting with cooking meat, and programming projects galore).

I'm having a lot harder of a time, what with all of my free hours to sit around and get stuck in my thoughts. I've acknowledged that I was exceedingly lonely before I met Henry, and that I'm lonely all over again. I'm trying to find my single-girl footing, but I've realized that the things I was doing to fill all my time before (especially in the evenings) don't really appeal to me now. I'm just going to have to find new things, which is going to be hard, but necessary.

That all said, I was having dinner with my roommate and a friend the other night, when I decided that I really needed a laugh. I went to one of the best places for a laugh (which had somehow come up in conversation), Craigslist personals, and found some real gems. I'll be posting those in the next few days. I don't plan on looking seriously anytime in the next month or two (at least), but if someone finds me, we'll see.

Hiatus

2009-02-28T10:53:00.001-08:00

Things with Henry are going really well. As such, this blog will be on hiatus until further notice.

Thanks for reading!

Cyanide and Happiness

2009-02-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

Henry and I have been e-mailing a lot in the lead up to our date tomorrow, and we've spent a good deal of time sharing things we think the other person should know about. From him, I received links to a web comic called Cyanide and Happiness. I'd never heard of it before, so I checked it out. There are many funny ones, but here was one I though had a little bit of correlation to this blog. If I had to guess, I bet there are a fair amount of people in the online dating world who, at some point or another, wish there was an easier way to find someone. I just hope they never get to this point:

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

So tomorrow Henry and I are going to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant and then on to a Slavic women's circus. At this point, we have quite a long list of other dates to go on, so I think there's a pretty good chance that I'll make it to date four. I haven't been on a fourth date with someone in a very long time.

Second date with Henry

2009-02-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

The second date with Henry was wonderful. We joined a group of about 20 people for board games at a nearby cafe and played five or six different games over three and a half hours. He'd been twice before, so he knew a few of the people but we each met lots of new people. I would definitely go back again because it's a great way to try out lots of new games.

Afterwards, we dropped our games back at my apartment and then walked over to the most fabulous little pizza place (it's truly tiny—four tables and four seats at the bar) and shared delicious pizza and a slice of goat cheese kumquat tart. If that sounds odd, trust me when I say it was amazingly good (and I even passed up on the flour-less chocolate cake for it). We stuck around and talked for a while—amazingly no one needed our table—before going back to my apartment.

We watched "Once," which is a truly great movie with a spectacular soundtrack (if you haven't seen it, get it now) and lots of unresolved sexual tension. Let's just say that he stayed for another three hours after the movie ended and I finally had to send him home so we could both get a little sleep before work today.

I caused a bit of trouble this morning however, when I sent him an e-mail that was supposed to be flirty and facetious but was taken seriously by Henry. I quickly responded with a clarifying e-mail, so hopefully all is well there. Regardless, we've already decided to go out again Friday. We don't have any plans for the date yet, but I'm happy just to spend some more time with him whatever we end up doing.

So far, so good. I'm happy and hopeful and I can't wait for Friday.

Haircut

2009-02-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

I got my hair cut on Friday—finally (it had been almost six months since the last haircut)—and am loving it. I noted this on facebook, and friends asked for pictures, so I took a few and uploaded one there. I also put it as my primary photo on the dating site.

Then my profile was viewed over 25 times in the eight hours following my upload. That's about five times as many profile views as I usually get in a day. I don't think it's that great of a photo, but apparently others do. Interesting. However, I only got one message, and that was from a guy in Europe. There's long-distance dating and then there's long-distance dating…

At least I didn't get a message from a guy like this:

~~KREEPY BOY SEEKS CREEPY GIRL TO GET WEIRD WITH.~~ - 30

Part-time partner in krime sought. Pay is terrible. Benefits delicious. Let's get weird.

You: Scarf. Hunching. Werewolf mask. Vintage hearing aid. Bad breath.
Me: Raised eyebrow. Silk rope. Firm hand. Cruel smile.

P.S. I've got my second date with Henry in an hour or so. Wish me luck!

Compatibility

2009-02-21T23:48:00.000-08:00

There was another NPR piece that I was going to share with you in this post, but I can't seem to find it. Therefore, we'll have to make do with a Craigslist ad I found a couple of weeks ago:

FUN COMPATIBILITY TEST - 34

High maintenance / low maintenance
Mac / PC
NY Times / SF Chronicle
iPhone / Blackberry
Designer jeans / Levis
Yankees / Giants
Beach / Mountains / Vegas
Heels / flats
Moaner / Screamer / Talker
SUV / sports car / Green
Starbucks / Peet's
Banana Rep / Gap
Greasy Spoon / Sunday Jazz Brunch
Adult Films - tolerated / encouraged / not permitted
Simpsons / South Park
Full / French / Bikini / Thong / Camando [sic]
Single / Attached / Married

Wow. If this guy thinks these are the most important checks of compatibility, he's going to remain single a while longer.

The Drake Equation

2009-02-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

If you aren't a devoted listener of This American Life, shame on you. It's amazing and everyone should listen to it. If you are, did you hear the most recent episode, "Somewhere Out There"? It's this year's Valentine's Day show and it has a number of stories about the trials and tribulations of love and relationships and pretty much skips out on the sort of lovey-dovey mushiness most V-Day shows typically air. Though the whole episode was great (as always), my favorite part was the story at the beginning of the program in which a man explains how he and his fellow physics grad students used math (specifically the Drake Equation) to determine the likelihood of finding the perfect mate. Please listen to it here and tell me what you think about their calculations and specifications.

Since I haven't put a silly end to my post in while, here's something from Craigslist that was too good to pass up. Today's oddity is brought you by the letter C:

CUPID…I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED - 32

You see, I like girls. cute ones. sexy ones. Not GAY MEN, so stop shooting them with your bow & arrow and then sending them my way. Especially, when I'm in the shower at the gym…I mean the guy with the rainbow flag tattooed on his ass. His glances were not furtive, homeboy was STARING!

Why can't you shoot the barista at the coffee shop who always smiles at me? Why can't you aim at any of these cute girls currently reading this ad?

Let's try this again.

What a difference a year makes

2009-02-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

For those of you who've been reading my blog since the beginning, it may be hard to believe that it was a year ago this week that I had my intense IM relationship with the guy who seemed absolutely great (Ian)—until he disappeared. It's difficult for me to imagine that I'd ever make that mistake again. For one, there are better things to do than waste one's entire week of vacation IMing with one person, no matter how cool he may be. For another, well, there were so many warning signs. So anyway, I feel that I've learned a lot since then and am trying to be much more rational about this whole online dating thing.

As for the Henry/Adam situation, I've not heard anything more from Adam since Monday; I am however going to be seeing Henry again this weekend. He invited me to go with him to a nearby cafe for a board games group. Nerdy? Perhaps. Right up my alley? Totally. I'm really excited about this. Oh, and from the "it's a small world" files: one of you, a friend of mine from college, actually knows Henry from high school. I discovered this through the wonder that is Facebook. Sing it with me: "It's a small world after all, it's a small world afterall…"

What if you should decide…

2009-02-16T23:21:00.001-08:00

…that you don't want me there by your side,
that you don't want me there in your life?
(Coldplay, "What If")

The date with Henry went really well, I think. We had dinner at an awesome South Indian place (lots of nice ambiance, lots of delicious food for your money) and then walked over to a funky little cafe that has live music every night. Last night, as it is every Sunday, was classical music. Henry's a classically trained singer—he even did a masters in voice—and spent some of his childhood playing various brass instruments, so he got just as much, if not more out of the concert than I did. It was nice to be with someone with whom I could have an awesome conversation but who also shares my love of music. Music is such a central part of my life that I find it hard to imagine a relationship could last if the guy in my life didn't appreciate it as I do.

So now I'm waiting. I messaged him and I was the one to ask him on the date, so now I feel as though I should give him a chance to message or call me. I got the impression that he had as good of a time as I did, so I'm hoping he'd be up for a second date. Even if a relationship doesn't come out of this, I really would like to have him as a friend. He's that neat and I'll be disappointed if he doesn't feel the same way.

Therefore, I'm a bit confused about the fact that before I messaged Henry, I'd IMed with a guy I'll call Adam. I originally messaged Adam to correct something on his profile, but didn't expect anything to come of it. Instead, we IMed for over an hour and I ended up with his phone number. He doesn't live in the city, and the one day he was going to be here that week was the one day I already had plans, so we'd agreed that I'd call him in a few days and that we'd go from there. To make a long story a teeny bit shorter, I didn't call him because I wasn't feeling well (I told him as much) and then kind of forgot about him as I planned my date with Henry. He just IMed me. He asked if I was feeling better, we exchanged pleasantries about the weekend, and then he said he'd call me this week.

This is why, when last year I was faced with the option of chatting with two different guys during the same week, I decided I couldn't do it. It's too confusing—emotionally, logistically, etc. I really want to see how this thing works out with Henry, but Adam seems cool too. I never thought I'd be in this position—don't get me wrong, it is flattering—and I just don't really know what to do about it. Advice? Words of wisdom?

I want to ride my bicycle

2009-02-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

I'm just totally and completely scared to ride on the streets of San Francisco. I learned to ride when I was little, but I only rode at the local middle school playground—which was FLAT and devoid of moving vehicles. Thanks to Ily, I've regained a little of my biking know-how, but I'm still afraid to ride on the city streets (even in my relatively quiet and flat neighborhood).

The thing is, in San Francisco, everyone my age seems comfortable on a bike. Lots of guys specifically mention on their online profiles (if not even in their usernames) that they like to ride their bikes and would be interested in going on bike rides around the city with a girl on a date. In theory, this sounds like a lot of fun; however, it's actually terrifying until I become comfortable on a bike. My romantic side hopes that I'll find someone who'll be willing to help me overcome my fear of bike-riding.

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but the other day the SF Chronicle actually ran a story about this called "Low-carbon dating: Biking gets hearts racing." Here's the lede:

Two-wheeled but single? Luckily there are hundreds of others like you with whom you already have something in common. Or perhaps you're already paired up and are seeking an active, outdoorsy way to spend Valentine's Day weekend. Well, pump up your heart and your tires, because the bicycle is a date-getting, date-going machine.

Someday…

P.S. I am going out with Henry tonight. I'll update tomorrow.

Could I become a bar fly?

2009-02-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

It's really interesting how my dislike of alcohol and, thus, my general disinterest in bars and clubs, has made it quite difficult to find and meet single men. Sure there are lots of other ways to meet people, but meeting new people at bars seems like something most twenty-somethings are good at. Therefore, I would like to announce that I've found a bar that I actually like. It's got half hour pizzas at happy hour (and they're really good too), nice staff, a good location, cool art on the walls, and lots of good places to hang out with friends or sit by oneself and read a book. I've been with co-workers twice, but yesterday I decided to go over on my own with a book, have some pizza, and just enjoy being somewhere other than my apartment. I plan to make this a regular Friday thing. It's a really nice way to unwind after a long week.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, you see, after an hour and a half or so of sitting there at the bar with my book, pizza, and non-alcoholic beverage, a guy sits down next to me. He doesn't look out of place, but it seemed like maybe he hadn't been there before. The waitress gave him a food menu and explained that the pizzas were half-price. I decided to go for it: I turned to him and made a pizza recommendation. We ended up talking for two hours.

Now, I'd like to point out that while it was flattering to have his attention, I don't think I'd really want to date this guy (let's call him James). Here are my reasons (and don't hesitate to comment and let me know if I'm being too petty):
- He's 38 (he told me about having recently been to his 20-year high school reunion).
- He's the father of a four year-old boy. There was no ring, so I'm guessing divorce, but I didn't ask.
- James drank about five glasses of Stella and had just started on his second bottle of Bud Light by the time I left (7 beers in 2 hours? Isn't that a lot?)
- He spends most of the week in San Jose, but comes up to San Francisco regularly. However, he travels for work A LOT
- James doesn't care about current events. We had a chat about this and we both agreed that the mainstream media is too full of depressing stories about violent deaths, wars, and the recession; however, we disagreed in that I still am a regular consumer of news, just from other sources.
- Going along with my previous point, I felt smarter than him, by quite a lot. I'm not sure if I could enjoy being with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal.

In the end, I gave him my card, mostly so I could pass along my Yelp reviews (he'd never heard of Yelp) since he seemed desperately in need of knowledge about where to go and what to do when he's in San Francisco. He asked me if he could call me and I said I prefer e-mail. We'll see. I'm not sure whether I would actually want to see him again. However, it was nice to have this kind of interaction. Perhaps next time it'll be with someone I definitely do want to see again.

Back to the online world for now. I'm probably going on a date tomorrow night with a guy from the dating site (he'll be Henry). We're both classical music fans and there's a cafe that has free classical music on Sunday nights that I've been meaning to check out for a while. I told him about it and he thought it sounded good. Henry gave me his number and I'm to call him to set up the date. I'll let you know how that goes.

Finally, because this post is already long, I'm going to make it a little longer by sharing with you this tidbit from Craigslist:

DATE ME NOW - 25

Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll hear if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!

I like bacon, I don't like clowns

2009-02-12T07:04:00.001-08:00

Last night I found a surprisingly large amount of decent, readable ads on Craigslist. There are also a lot of desperate lads looking for a Valentine's Day date. However, two of those from the former category made me smile (though not enough for me to actually message them—unless you think I should).

NEW MOVIES AND NEW COUCH - 27

So I've got some new couches, and I want to watch a movie with some company. Obviously you're not going to come right away, cause I might be creepy, and you don't know that. But I'll have the couches for awhile, and the movies for a while. So maybe we can get some coffee, walk around and take in the summer all around us. 27, guy next door, good looking and professional. What do you say? Got a pic?

I liked this ad because it was more honest than most. I'm not sure what he means by "take in the summer" seeing as it's February, but he seems decent.

I LIKE BACON, I DON'T LIKE CLOWNS - 32

I like bacon. The only thing that might be better than bacon, are things wrapped in bacon. Shrimp, beef, even pork chops -- all good on their own. But you wrap them in bacon and then you really have something.

It's not that I'm all about the food. I'm actually in good shape (5'11", 190 lbs). It's just that I can't think of a better conversation starter in this medium. In person I can talk about all sorts of things: local/national politics, art, music, literature, and how all these things relate to bacon. I'm quite the raconteur. I am Jewish (but, uh, not very kosher), a recent home owner; I have a car which is silver and shiny (sometimes I use it to transport bacon to my home). I like to cook, dance, and travel.

Oh, and I don't like clowns. Clowns are scary. If you are a clown, please don't respond to this. Even if you like to wear lots of white makeup and a fake red nose, we probably won't get along.

This ad is a perfect example of how difficult it is to write a first message, profile, or response to a message/profile. What do you talk about? I like that he chose bacon and clowns; I may not share his sentiments on those things, but they were an interesting way to get me to read his ad.

Public Eavesdropping

2009-02-11T11:17:00.001-08:00

A local newspaper columnist runs a reader-submitted quote each day at the end of her column. The quote is something that has been overheard by the reader and is usually silly and/or inane. Today the entire column was dedicated to these quotes, all of which have to do with relationships. Here's the first part:

Part 1: The Valentine's Game

By Leah Garchik

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

And now, with Valentine's Day approaching, let us embark on the annual quote-by-quote tramp through the pastures of relationships.

First, the need must be recognized:

-- "Not being married is the source of her drinking? Then I should be face down in a ditch" (Woman at Pasta Pomodoro on 24th Street, overheard by Tom Perrault)

-- "But I do know what I don't want." (Woman to friend, overheard at Peet's on Fillmore Street by Ken Maley)

-- "All my girlfriends dumped me when I lost my house." (Man to man while cycling, overheard on Tunnel Road in Oakland by Celeste Demitrios)

-- "The only thing I arouse in a woman is suspicion." (Man to woman, overheard in Union Square in New York by Steve Held)

-- "I need to stop chasing the guys in sanitation." (Middle-aged woman to friend, overheard in Sonoma by Leslie McLean)

-- "Shopping is like dating in S.F. It looks good at first. Then you get it home and it doesn't go with anything you have." (Woman to woman, overheard in the audience at "Shopping! The Musical" by cast member Dan Meagher)

-- "That's why me and Roman Polanski have the same taste in women." (Man to friend, overheard outside Savanna Jazz in the Mission by R. Guensche)

-- "I just can't believe it. You must be the only guy in California with a 27-year-old girlfriend who's still a virgin." (Man to man, overheard at Peet's in Montclair by Jack Bannon).

Read the rest of the column here.

So I guess I'm kind of girly. Isn't that hot?

2009-02-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know me, you're probably wondering why I'd title this post such a thing. The short answer is that I'm not talking myself, rather it was a guy describing himself in a Craigslist ad. The long answer is this:

I'M NOT MOST GUYS AND THAT IS MY PROBLEM - 24

i work with two lesbians and both of them regularly tell me that if i was a girl they would so want me
some of my dude friends have said the same thing
so i guess i'm kind of girly. isn't that hot?

not that i actually do this, but as a curious writing exercise this is what i came up with for my sleazy unwanted bar approach:
ooh yeah girl, lets go back to my place and you can hang upside down for a minute on my inversion rack. i'll feed us coffee-infused vanilla vodka, we'll listen to epic cosmic stoner rock from the 70s and then i'll give you this back rub hitting muscles you didn't know you had but i did because they're where chi moves away from the middle and i'll explain why you're thirsty after you get water for us and put ice in mine but forget you did that because we'll see the ice later and it's better as a surprise

i write, i read, i listen to music and i make it
i'm way pisces and usually prefer my world to the real one even if my world is just a couple stories thrown over the real one
most people sleep through their whole day. i usually do too, but the blanket i use has a couple of colors that haven't been invented yet.

my myspace with pictures to follow an email from you but i'm 6'1 and skinny and have brown eyes and brown hair that misbehaves in a comically jewish way

This post is one of the weirder ones I've read in a while. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think he was trying to be creative, but went way too far.

Bad Usernames: Part 4

2009-02-08T15:23:00.001-08:00

It's time for another round of bad usernames. This one was prompted by the first on this list, fearmybooty, but spurred on by the sudden rash of names ending in "4U" and a few others that were too, um, good, to pass by.

• fearmybooty (Why? Does it smell? Are you going to sit on me? Let me go back to my first question: WHY?)

• BiG_FriGGiN_d (First off, what's with the mish-mash of upper and lower case? Second, am I supposed to be impressed that you said "friggin" instead of something else? Third, what does the "d" stand for, or do I even want to know?)

• TheRussMan4U (Lose the stupid nickname—"The Russ Man" might as well be something equally inane like "Big Man on Campus"—and the 4U and then we'll talk. Maybe.)

• basementcat4U (Is this meant to imply that you like cats that live in basements or that you are a cat who lives in a basement?)

• summerlover4U (What happens in the spring, autumn, and winter?)

• braziliandude4U (I think you are Brazilian, but what if you are trying to express your fondness for Brazilian waxes?)

• 5hourenergy (That's pathetic. Get some more sleep.)

• thierry4U (If you want to use your real name but someone has already taken it, don't add 4U onto the end of it, no matter what the dating site suggests. Try to muster up a little creativity and add something else, please.)

• itsrevolution4U (Who exactly owns this revolution?)

• coolboy4U (This sounds like the screenname a 13 year-old boy would pick for his AIM account.)

• loko4U (You coud at least spell "loco" correctly. That said, why would I want to date a crazy person?)

• sickallover (Well that just makes you sound so appealing…)

• bluecoller (I really hate to say this, but your username just fits one of the unfortunate stereotypes about blue collar workers.)

• STFUandKissMe (Nothing says I love you like this wonderful turn of phrase.)

When will they learn?

Busy week

2009-02-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week in the real world, which has meant a slow week here. Oops. That said, I did just reply to this ad I found on Craigslist.

LET'S OVERTHINK THIS - 28

I'm looking for someone who cocks her head to the side when she's looking at paintings, whether they're in museums, on the side of buildings or in sale bins at IKEA. Someone who smiles when she gets a song that she really likes stuck in her head. Someone who thinks sex is fun but a little bit absurd. Someone who will earnestly and vigorously defend her tastes, even if she's secretly a little bit embarrassed by them. Someone who likes to pick apart what she reads and sees, and sometimes gets a bit overwhelmed by all the thinking she does.

Who am I? I'm that one guy who winds up giving thoughtful answers to silly questions, uses really precise words to describe abstract concepts, who goes to concerts and closes his eyes and silently mouths the lyrics. I write, play music, spend my days commuting to the South Bay for work, bike, and go see all kinds of shows and art.

So, write me, tell me about the last thing you saw (book/movie/painting/fight on MUNI/speech) that made you think. Ask and I'll send a picture.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

2009-02-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

It's a good question, posed by this guy from Craigslist:

LANGUAGE HAS FAILED, LET'S GIVE INTERPRETIVE DANCE A SHOT - 28

I'm so tired of speaking. My relationship with language has gotten far too intimate -- we know each other's secrets now, which is a bit scary, since I've never sure when the spoken word is going to fly off on a random tangent and start alliteratively exposing every embarrassing event in my life to someone I'm trying to impress. It's like that uncle you have who always gets drunk at the Christmas party and starts quizzing you in far too much detail about your sex life, and it's really uncomfortable because you don't want to be rude, but does he really need to know about your toy collection? No, he doesn't. And without words, none of this would even be an issue.

Complication: I still want to date. Anyone out there feel like getting together and grunting at each other? We can make elaborate hand gestures too, possibly even obscene ones (if you've ever seen Bjork describe something as "erotic", you'll know what I'm talking about), and see if we can communicate with looks -- a big plus if you have a killer eye-roll, though puppy-dog stares do make me melt.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

He saw his shadow? Oh well…

2009-02-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

Alone Time

2009-02-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

I turned on the radio a few minutes ago and was excited to find that the current program was "To the Best of Our Knowledge." After listening for a few minutes, I realized that the episode was about loneliness and being alone. This is a topic I've given a lot of thought in the last year or two as I've tried to find a partner with whom to share my life; however, the different segments discussed different elements of loneliness and it made me reflect on whether or not author John Cacioppo (Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection) would consider me "lonely." For all of my desires for a romantic relationship, I have lots of friends, confidants, acquaintances, family members, resources, etc. and all of those people give me so much that I couldn't possibly be really lonely.

To hear this interesting, thought-provoking program for yourself, click here.

As an example of a Craigslist guy who doesn't sound at all lonely:

A MIX OF CLINT, KEANU, AND BIG BIRD. - 20

Another use for the internet

2009-02-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

I'm going to take a brief break from writing about online dating to share with you this lovely (read: horribly offensive) story I heard on the radio yesterday. I couldn't find the reference to it on the radio's website, but I was able to find the original story, courtesy of the New Zealand Herald.

KIWI BLOKES LOGGING ON TO PMS

Kiwi blokes who fear their partner's hormonal hissy-fits are keeping tabs on their "time of the month" with online reminders.

About 10,000 New Zealanders have signed up to American site PMSBuddy.com, which sends email warnings when Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) is due to hit.

The warnings are colour-coded with messages such as "she's on yellow - tread carefully, fella" wand the website claims to be "saving relationships one month at a time."

If you think you can handle it, read the rest here.

P.S. In searching for the story, I came across wikiHow's article entitled, "How to Deal with a Pre Menstrual Girlfriend".

Girlfriend Application

2009-01-31T23:28:00.000-08:00

Having had a conversation yesterday about what is and isn't important in a partner, I thought that this was an interesting—albeit ridiculous—way to determine relationship potential. I find #9 rather offensive. What do you think of this list?

GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION - 26

1. Who did you vote for president? Why?

2. How close to your family are you? If not, why not?

3. What are your favorite tv shows and movies?

4. How often do you work out? How healthy are you?

5. What is your body type?

6. Describe your perfect date.....

7. What is your occupation? What is your ideal occupation?

8. School??? Done? Going? Future?

9. Why are you single now?

10. What annoys you the most about the opposite sex?

11. What is your favorite feature on me?

12. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

13. Are you religious? Explain..

14. Where have you traveled? Where do you want to travel?

15. Name 3 things that you must have in a relationship:

16. Have any kids? Ever been engaged? Married?

17. Name 3 things that you love about yourself?

I am fortunate enough to be the perfect age of 26 where I am mature and successful enough to be ready for a real quality relationship and at the same time young and energetic enough to make new friends and travel buddies without the deep involvement. So I am open to anything really. A girl that is fit or slim/petite is important to me as I am super fit. I take pride in my body and hopefully you do as well. Living with the deaths of my mother and best friend it is important to have a girl that is caring and cheerful most days. I just love living life happy and not dwelling on anything negative. No “Debbie Downers”! No drugs.

Thanks for the wonderful advice

2009-01-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. You all provided me with lots of good advice and I think you're all spot on. Ken is severely lacking in tact, but my great desire to go to Philip Glass overrode my intuition; it took your comments to pull me back to reality. I've not heard from him for a number of days, so I think it's safe to say he's no longer interested. Frankly, I'm not either.

Here's your Craigslist silly for the day:

I WANT YOU TO LAMBADA ALL OVER MY FACE - 31

Is that too forward?

Maybe I should have said something like, "looking for a partner in crime," but we'll probably get arrested for being too awesome. (Is that even possible?)

I'm not trying to sell you anything (email me, email me, email me.) I'm just here to tell you that there are good, decent guys on CL and that you should give them a chance (by "them" I mean me) who are open to exploring all sorts of wonderful things (like lambada face dancing.)

Anyway, I can go on and on about what I'm all about but all I'll say is that I'm loyal, good hearted, respectful, humorous, and stable.

I'm confident that you will consider my attempt to gain your attention as commendable and what has transpired over the course of this ad will be talked about for generations to come (I'm also great at bullshitting.)

If you like funny, smart, sexy, interesting guys with a heart of gold you should contact me (I'll forward your email to someone that fits that description.)

Just kidding.

Bye.

P.S. If you're still reading (hint, hint, Lanafactrix), you could totally make my day by becoming a follower of my blog. To the six of you who already have: Thanks!

MWP (Most Worthwhile Person)

2009-01-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I read a Craigslist that, for once, actually sounded promising. See for yourself:

PHILIP GLASS IN FEBRUARY. MY TREAT, WHO WANTS TO GO? - 23

Who would like to go to Philip Glass on Feb. 16th? My treat, would be nice having company to enjoy the performance with. I'm a normal guy, young professional, enjoy hanging out with all kinds of people. Your pic gets mine.

Now, for those of you who don't me (or, perhaps, even those of you who do), I really like Philip Glass. I'm not a Glass junkie, but I've heard my fair share. However, I've never heard any of his pieces live. Some of you may be thinking, "She just wrote that post about not wanting to date someone younger than her, so why is she considering this one?" I guess my answer to that is: It's Philip Glass, someone else would be paying for my ticket, and I'd get to meet someone new.

I responded and have exchanged a couple e-mails with the guy (let's call him Ken), but last I heard from him he said:

Not sure about the concert yet, you definitely sound like the most worthwhile person to talk to about the music. Regardless, it would be fun to meet up for coffee or a drink sometime to discuss music and other random things. Not often get to meet an SF native.

I told him to keep me posted on the concert and that I'd still be up for coffee regardless, but now I'm wondering if that was the right thing to say. If I'm the "most worthwhile," why isn't he sure that I should be the one to accompany him? Should I keep in touch with guy? Or is the MWP comment more offensive than I originally read it?

At least I know I can ignore this guy:

ARE YOU A HOT MESS? ME TOO!

So I am a very energy passionate fellow who is chipper and full of good cheer however I can honestly say I am one of the most complicated men you'll ever meet in terms of richness, texture, depth, and various shades of color.

I tend to view life in a kaleidoscopic wide angle lens and have a fascination in the interesting often overlooked mundane parts of our existence. I can delight in the absurd and dabble in the ridiculous and would love to share my slightly askew and yet perfectly sane perspective observations and adventures.

If you are even slightly intrigued and wish to learn more or just share a few thoughts of your own I invite your response.

Is he asking for it?

2009-01-28T22:54:00.000-08:00

The other day I saw that a guy with the username of jewbags had looked at my profile. Not wanting to actually open his profile, I entered his username into the search box and wound up with this. dissux10304 sounds like a real charmer. I'm not sure about jewbags, but I believe that what he's written is in response to the question, "What do you do on the typical Friday night?"

If CL Personals were a fast food restaurant

2009-01-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

I've got some personal stories and thoughts to post soon, but I really want to share with you, dear readers, this Craigslist ad I just found:

IF CL PERSONALS WERE A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - 33

CL: Welcome to Craiglist's Personals, can I take your order?

Me: Uh, yeah, I'll have a smart, late-20's to mid-30's, physically active woman please.

CL: Short, medium, or tall?

Me: What's short?

CL: Short is 5'2" or shorter, medium is 5'2" to 5'8", and tall is 5'8" or taller.

Me: I'll take either short or medium, whatever you have in stock.

CL: Okay, short or medium it is... hair color?

Me: Well, it doesn't really matter

CL: Okay. Do you want to meet for drinks and dinner, or just the standard coffee/tea and engaging conversation?

Me: Hmm... I can meet for coffee, and then get to the dinner if it turns out to be fun. Going to an art gallery afterwards will work great too

CL: Okay, your total comes out to... a short description of yourself.

Me: Um, okay... white/Latin, 33, hot, fit, fun, fearless.

CL: I'm sorry, we've run out of short/medium women looking for hot white/Latin men. All we have are flakes, spammers, and men posing as women. Do you want one of those, or maybe something else?

Me: Damn it. Okay. Any tall women looking for a connection?

CL: Let me check... nope, no tall women either.

Me: Ugh... are the flakes any cute?

CL: Escorts? Did I say flakes? I'm sorry sir, they just canceled them from the menu at the last minute

Me: Okay then, I'll just try again later...

CL: Well, okay, thanks for coming to Craigslist's Personals!

The moral of the story is: If you'd describe yourself as a luscious, full-course, delectable dinner instead of a fast-food item, by all means send me an email to place your order! Your total will come out to...a picture and a description of yourself! =)

Man-years

2009-01-25T08:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I went on a date with Ryan. I'll write more about the date in a moment, but first I want to discuss the issue of age. Ryan's 30 and I'm 24, and that may seem like a fairly wide gap to some people. My answer to that: it's not a big gap when you're dealing in man-years. Man-years are like dog-years or cat years except where for animals a lower number of years corresponds to an older age, for men the lower the number, the lower the age. Although this has yet to be scientifically proven, I believe that to find man-years you must subtract five or six years from his biological years (BY) to determine his man-years (MY) There are always exceptions of course, but I think this formula works pretty well for the guys with whom I've gone on a date in the last year.

Ryan: BY: 30; MY: 24-25
Sandy: BY: 25; MY: 19-20
Wally: BY: 25; MY: Who knows? He was a really boring date.
Richard: BY: 30; MY: 24-25
Greg: BY: 33; MY: 27
Dan: BY: 24; MY: 22 (for the most part, though sometimes he seemed more like 19)
Carl: BY: 24; MY: 18
Eli: BY: 25; MY: 55 (big exception, I know, but it's really true)

So the date was fine, but nothing special. The whole point of the date was to try a Thai place that neither of us had been to and we did just that. We were able to keep conversation going for over an hour, so that's good, and I'd be up for trying another Thai place with him again; however, there wasn't any chemistry to speak of so if we were to go out again, it would just be as friends. As we left to go our separate ways, he said he'd call me. If he does, great. If he doesn't, whatever.

I'll leave you with this lovely ad from Craigslist:

WHORE'S GALORE IN THIS FORUM - 35

Just spam, fake and ugly third class woman here. There is no hope of any connection here.

I was almost tempted to message him just for kicks, but this guy clearly isn't worth even that little bit of effort.

Real Simple's "Love Rules" - Part 3

2009-01-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

9. Love conquers all.
Love can withstand many hardships, but, as sociologist Pepper Schwartz writes, "Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse." And it doesn't take something so severe either, as personal-development expert Barbara De Angelis says, "Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required."

10. Everyone experiences the seven-year itch.
Who says it takes seven years? I think at some point in most relationships there's going to be a temptation to split up or start seeing someone on the side. Whether or not that temptation is acted on is up to the couple and how hard they're willing to work to keep the relationship going. Psychologist Howard Markman would agree with me I think, as he states: "The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship."

11. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
As much as I wish this were true—I fancy myself a pretty good cook and like making food for guys—I don't think it usually is. "It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled," writes sex-therapist Judy Kuriansky. Ideally, my partner would want to cook with me and have the same skill-level that I do; there's something incredibly attractive about cooking together that I'd like to experience again.

Thus concludes my response to Real Simple's article. Are there any "love rules" that you've heard that I didn't include here? I'd love to know.

Finally, because a day doesn't go by that I don't find something truly ridiculous on Craigslist, here's your daily funny:

SURREALITY CHECK: DOES YOUR ASS EXIST WHEN NO ONE'S CHECKING IT OUT?

or is it Schroedinger's Ass?

For a clever answer, a professional asstimator will consider postmodern drinks.

36th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade

2009-01-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today, January 22nd, 2008, is the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and, as such, it has been declared National Blog for Choice day by NARAL (National Association to Repeal Abortion Laws) Pro-Choice America. I knew about the anniversary, but I didn't know about NARAL's campaign until Lanafactrix mentioned it on her blog.

Abortion may not be an obvious topic for this blog, but I think a connection can be made. While I am not doing online dating for one-night stands, there are plenty who are. I hope and assume that those people are taking every precaution to ensure that their date doesn't result in a pregnancy, but I'm sure there are still numerous pregnancies that happen just in this way. (I still haven't seen "Knocked Up" but I know that's the general gist of the movie.) Now, of this group of pregnancies, surely there are some that are carried to term, but there are probably quite a lot which are aborted. There are many, many reasons why I believe that a woman should have the right to choose (not being ready for parenthood, for her health, because of an assault or rape, etc.), but accidental pregnancy is certainly one of them. If a woman isn't ready to be a parent she should have the option to abort.

As a side note, the dating site has a question (one's answer is used when being matched with other users) that goes something like this: "Do you think it's OK for a woman to date/sleep with a man solely to get pregnant and then leave him as soon as she does?" I answered no.

Real Simple's "Love Rules" - Part 2

2009-01-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

Continuing where I left off in my last post…

5. Never go to bed angry.
While it might be hard to sleep if there is something upsetting you, I agree with the "experts" that trying to talk about emotional subjects when you are very tired often ends up making the situation worse. I think psychologist Nancy Kalish has it right when she says, "You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified."

6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
I've never experienced it—at least with animate objects (handbags on the other hand…). I think what sociologist Pepper Schwartz has the right idea: "It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start."

7. Always keep him guessing.
This is very much like #3 (Always play hard to get). This phrase could mean a range of things, from spontaneously buying theatre tickets for an evening out to being outright dishonest. Clearly the latter is a bad thing, but random romantic acts are not. Dating-site co-founder is spot on in my book: "There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic."

8. You can never be too close.
I think at some point we've all felt smothered by the person (people) we love. Everyone needs some space in order to keep the relationship strong. Also, there's definitely the risk of taking another person for granted. As Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist, states: "Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted. Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close."

I'll stop there for now. Tomorrow I'll work through the last three points:

9. Love conquers all.
10. Everyone experiences the seven-year itch.
11. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Real Simple's "Love Rules"

2009-01-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

In the issue of Real Simple delivered to my apartment today, there's an article ("Love Rules") which examines common beliefs about love and relationships. They picked 13 "rules" and then had nine "experts"—including a founder of the dating site I use—discuss them. Since some are about marriage and/or kids, I will exclude those from my musings; I will, however, work through about ten over the next few days. Here are the first four.

1. Say "I love you" every day.
I think this is really important but, as psychologist Nancy Kalish says in the article, "it should be said often but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.” I think this is a good thing to keep in mind for a lot of words and phrases (curse words, in particular).

2. Play hard to get.
What's the point? I'm not in the business of wasting people's time. I completely agree with Sam Yagan, the co-founder of an online dating service: "Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?"

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Short absences, perhaps. Long-term ones, I don't know. If we're talking a business trip or vacation, something with a definite end, I think I could handle it. If it's a nebulous, "I'll be away for a while and I don't know when I'll return" kind of thing, I think I'd have to do some serious soul-searching (as would, I think, the other person in the relationship).

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz had this to say on the matter: "To a point—and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect."

4. You can learn to love someone.
I'm going to agree with Greg Behrendt (co-author of He's Just Not That Into You) on this one: "No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with." I think this is how I felt about Sandy. I really wanted to be in a relationship with him and he was giving signs that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I fooled myself into thinking that it would be great, but really I don't think it ever would have moved from like to love.

Next time I'll tackle these points:

5. Never go to bed angry.
6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
7. Always keep him guessing.
8. You can never be too close.

Until then, I'll leave you with yet another reference to cougars. It's a title of a Craigslist post that I came upon tonight: TENDER PREY WAITING FOR A HUNGRY COUGAR - 35. What is it with cougars all of a sudden?

The ultimate cougar? No just a really sweet story.

2009-01-20T06:33:00.000-08:00

You may have heard by now that there is a 107 year-old woman in Chongqing, China who is finally looking for a husband. Apparently she was very traumatized as a child when she was frequently witness to her uncle beating her aunt and, because of that and China's deeply patriarchal society, she never wanted to marry. Until now. Read the whole story here.

Given that I just wrote a bit about cougars, the first thing that popped into my head when I heard this story was that she must be the ultimate cougar. She could be the great grandmother of some of those women from yesterday's story. However, this woman is going to look only for another centenarian, so that they have as many things in common as possible.

According to the story, she'll be looking at nearby old-folks homes for a mate. Too bad online dating isnt' an option for her. Even if there were centenarians who wanted to look for love online, most dating sites allow only for two-digit ages.

Thai Food and Cougars

2009-01-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

In my unofficial quest to message one new person every day, I messaged a guy from the dating site who said on his profile that he's trying to find the best Thai food in the city. This being a topic I know a lot about, I wrote him to say that I'm always looking for good Thai food and asked if he'd like to join forces and look together. I also sent him the link to my Yelp list of Thai places I've reviewed.

Lo and behold, I got a response from him—he'll be Ryan on this blog. We've bandied a list of places to try back and forth, and it looks like will be going out on Saturday. I like that there's a point to the date (try to find some good Thai food) but that there's been nothing personal to our e-mails. If we hit it off, great. If we don't, at least we get to share a meal with someone new. Oh, and if we do like each other, there are at least 100 more Thai restaurants in the city…

In other news, the San Francisco Chronicle ran a story in yesterday's Living section entitled "Cougars—unyoung women on the prowl." The article describes a singles event ($10 admission fee) for women over 50 and the (primarily) younger men who wanted to date them. My parents are almost 10 years apart, but, as my mom recently put it, she'd "been around the block a few times" before she met my dad and was, at that point ready to settle down. That said, my dad is the older one, not the other way around. This is all to say that I grew up knowing that I might find someone who was perfect for me that was not exactly my age.

However, as I read this article and looked at the accompanying photos, the only thought I had was: "These women are old enough to be the mothers of these guys." I don't know about you, but this just makes me uncomfortable. I watched "You've Got Mail" yesterday—more on that soon—but the whole "Annabelle is my sister and Matt is my uncle" part is completely unnerving. I don't think I could handle knowing that a friend of mine was dating a woman old enough to be my mom.

What do you, my lovely readers, think?

Finally, for today's interesting CL ad:

WOMAN, CREAM PIE, FLAT TIRE, CANNIBALISM, PANHANDLING

Don't think too much about subject line, it performed its function.

Looking for a girl to do Things with. The usual quals … clever, passionate, sexy, slender. Extra turn-ons: nonconsumers, manageably insane, off-shore breeds.

Me - tall, fit, driven, with a taste for improbable designs and chocolate.

So many false hopes

2009-01-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

I didn't set out to do this, but since Wednesday I've messaged a new person every day on the dating site. I'm really trying to make something work, to find someone, to put myself out there, but I'm really not having any luck. It's disheartening to say the least.

On Wednesday, it was a guy who said he likes to travel and he listed hummus as one of the six things he can't do without. Of all the things people list in the "six things" section, hummus is not at all common. Food sure, but such a particular thing as hummus struck me as interesting. Plus, I really like travel and hummus. No response though.

Later that night I messaged the Katie/Jennifer guy. I haven't heard from him.

On Thursday, I read a profile that specified wanting a "partner in crime" among other things. I sent him a note that simply said, "If I were your partner in crime, what crimes would we commit?" Sadly, I never found out.

I opened my inbox on Friday to find that a new user (of the dating site) and looked at my profile and rated me favorably. I'd looked at his profile a few days before, but he'd only written a little bit in his self summary; I didn't really feel I knew enough about him to warrant a message. However, I decided to write him after his rating of me. I kept it short, responding to a comment in his profile about liking to find new music. Again, no response.

Then, right as I was about to log off and go to bed, an IM came through. I politely told him as much, but said I'd be happy to get a message from him.

Tonight, I think I'll message this guy who posted his ad on Craigslist this afternoon.

CUDDLING AND CUPCAKES - 29

My ideal Saturday night does not involve crowded clubs or loud dance floors. I would like to find a good cuddler to relax and watch a movie by the fireplace on this warm evening. There may be cupcakes involved if the timing is right, or really good dark chocolate as a fallback.

Do you have the cuddling skills to win a gold medal at the cuddle olympics? Do you offset all of China's human rights violations with your ability to relax and show affection?

You might be an olympic cuddler if:

You evaluate a lululemon wardrobe based on its cuddle versatility.
Your 27th pose involves melting into someone else and relaxing for the evening.
You understand human anatomy well enough to know my arms appreciate blood flow.
A cold day prompts images of a warm fire and a pile of blankets.
When you see a cute kitten you want to hold it gently as it nuzzles against you.
You enjoy relaxing to the sound of a heart beat.

Are you not quite at the olympic level of cuddling greatness? You will also improve your movie knowledge with such hilarious one-liners as:

"Orange mocha frappuccinos!"
"You need to be kissed. And often. And by someone who knows how!"
"It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men."
"They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"

Cuddling training sessions include chocolate. Worldly, dark, complex chocolates (I just got some good stuff from Madagascar). Act now and you may also enjoy some nice wine!

So why are you home alone on a Saturday night? What would you ideally like to be doing with your night instead? What is your olympic cuddling training regimen?

I am 29, single, and live in the SoMa district of San Francisco. I rented Hot Fuzz and I would like to see Revolutionary Road in the theater. I have many other movies and am not averse to on-demand rentals. I work hard, have a creative side, and appreciate the cool variety San Francisco has to offer.

What do you have planned for your long weekend? Any resolutions you would like to cross off early? Qualification rounds begin shortly.

Who doesn't like cuddling and cupcakes? I know I do.

Silence From Ted

2009-01-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

Ted has not written back and, given that I saw his ad on Craigslist again last night, I'm guessing he's not going to. If I'm really honest with myself, that's just fine. He seems like he might be a bit too busy this spring to actually be a good date/partner.

Katie or Jennifer

2009-01-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

I found this ad on Craigslist tonight and decided to be spontaneous and respond. Why not? It's an interesting premise, at the very least. With any luck, his name won't start with D…

KATIE OR JENNIFER - 33

So I've never dated anyone named Katie or Jennifer. But it seems that I keep meeting women named Katie or Jen, and I'm always attracted to them, and all are always taken. So, I know there must be a single Katie or Jen out there somewhere.

I'm single, fit, never married, no kids, don't smoke, responsible, easy on the eyes, more Mission than Marina, not rich, not broke, wine with dinner, beer at the bar, etc. etc...

So Katie, Kat, or Kate... And Jennifer, Jen, or Jenn. If you are out there, let me know...

Also, if your name doesn't start with a "K" or a "J", and you want to contact me, I won't hold it against you.

Evening chats

2009-01-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I was IMed by a guy on the dating site who has looked at my profile a number of times. I might not have written back—according to the site, we're only marginally compatible, there are a lot of things about which we think differently, and I've never had any inclination to message him—except that he directly addressed something on my profile, rather than simply saying "hi" as so many do. We chatted for about half an hour about mostly non-personal things before I decided I was bored and ready to go to bed. So, to stop chatting, I typed something to the effect of "I'm a schoolteacher, so I've got to go to sleep now." He responded with "Sweet dreams."

I logged off after that, but was left a little unsettled by that last comment of his. Perhaps, to him, it means nothing more than "bye" or "good night," but to me the phrase is much more personal and intimate than that. I guess I just didn't like it that someone so unfamiliar to me was wishing me "sweet dreams." Hmm. Am I weird for feeling this way?

Today's silly (from Craigslist, as usual):

NON-SUPERMODELS NEED NOT APPLY - 22

Hello to all the supermodels out there. If you are single, excellent! If you are not, well, too bad for you. Here is a tall, dark, and handsome guy available on the market. Though I must warn you, I am very picky. If you are not a tall, rich, supermodel, please close this ad now…

I sure hope this guy was joking. Supermodels on Craigslist? Yeah right.

Sit on my facebook

2009-01-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

My fellow blogger Ily often writes about popular culture on her blog, but I only do so on the very rarest occasions. This year, I'll try to write about it more often. To this end, I'd like to bring up the upcoming He's Just Not That Into You. Inspired by the book that was inspired by "Sex and the City," this movie features a lot of big-name actresses across from a bunch of (mostly) not-big-name actors trying to figure out how to get into or be happy in a relationship. In the trailer, one loveless character (played by Drew Barrymore) explains her situation to a friend:

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my blackberry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting." (Mary [Barrymore] to Anna (Scarlett Johansson) while standing in the middle of an aisle at a drugstore.)

Sadly, this is not too far off from my experience. I don't have a blackberry and I never text, but I've got two e-mail accounts, the dating site, Craigslist, facebook, and, of course, my cell phone. What's a girl to do?

Needless to say, I'll have to see this movie, even though it'll break my streak of only going to movies that are/will be nominated for a bunch of big-time awards. It doesn't come out until late February, but I'll be sure to post a review once I've seen it.

Until then, I'll keep using all means to find a date, including Craigslist, where I found this gem:

SIT ON MY FACEBOOK

Trying this again...
Sit on MyFacebook. Ah yes....cyber dating. E-rotica. It's a wierd thing. Oh look, I'm your online friend and I was just upgraded to 'Haunting' from 'Distant'. Thanks. I've met a few folks on here. Not many really. Maybe I'm picky. I think we all are by nature. It's not a fault. I mean, nobody enters a LTR thinkin', "Oh, you'll do, I suppose"...Doesn't mean you have to look like a Jolie or a Pitt or whatever other yardsticks of beauty there might be but surely there's gotta be sparks, fireworks, even little geiger counter farty noises, something.
So instead of a long list of all my utterly-fantastic-attribute-and-hobbies stuff, I'll just say I'm a fairly typical SFer. I wasn't born here (abroad in fact). I've had adventures. I want some more. I'll have some more. I like live music, occasionally hittin the town and maybe even painting it red. I know how to walk over a mountain and I have reasonable restaurant manners. I do stuff...learning, working, earning, traveling (lots) and I'm not a freak. I'm not a suit either (unless you're a very high-end corporate client, getting married, dead or a judge.) To summarize so...despite my dashing good looks, vast wealth, incredible sense of humour and physical perfection I am also delusional...
You: Funny and probably not into reality TV, Fox News, gobs of makeup or overly glam, sport, if things like Burningman changed your life, your life was boring to begin with...it's just a party. Tolerant of meat, occasional town-painting, occasional gym visits, occasional laziness, thermarests and bedwetting (just kidding on the last one)
A pic would be lovely...a banter equally so.
Ciao.

C'mon, Santa…

2009-01-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

The Whirligig guy from the good ad in my last post wrote back to me. Let's call him Ted. From the information I gathered from his e-mail address and subsequent internet searching, he's the CEO of his own film production company and has worked on a bunch of films as a producer (and occasionally a writer). Clearly, he's ambitious, so +1 for him. With any luck, we'll chat online some before meeting for coffee sometime this week.

As I said last time (and may times before), the good posts are often hidden by the vast amount of bad ones such as this:

6'2", KINDA HOT, TOTALLY FUNNY SEEKS GOOD BAD GIRL - 33

C'mon, Santa, all I wanted for Christmas was a Good Bad Girl? Geez, I was good last year-- I mean, I was bad last year... I mean. Crap. Santa, please send me a lady that's packed with personality, knows how to work what her momma gave her, and is fun to hang out with! Please. :) Me: 6'2", 33, great career, good lookin, funny, smell fantastic, i tip bartenders well, and love to laugh. I get compliments on my eyes, chest, butt, and big hands. Plus, I don't dress like a bum. Howzabout you? Do ya dare to go out last minute for some Saturday night drinks? :) (Your pic gets mine.)

I mean, I guess he gets points for honesty by describing himself as only "kinda hot"; however, the rest of his ad is pretty lame. Next year, try writing Santa. Maybe you'll have a better chance of getting what you want, mister…

For every great one, there's a crazy one

2009-01-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

Before I get to my post, I would like to invite all of you lovely readers to become "followers" of my blog. I don't have a hit counter, but it would be fun to see who's actually reading this. Click the "Follow this blog" link at the top of the page to find out more.

So, as my subject line says, there's at least one good guy for every crazy guy. I hope. I mean, this is Craigslist that I'm talking about after all. Today I found the following ad and responded to it.

AND THUS THE WHIRLIGIG OF TIME BRINGS IN ITS REVENGES - 26

So another year has cycled and I would love to get out and meet someone new.

I am an interesting character with a unique view on life and living. I’m over read, over educated, and have a nerdy edge but have social skills and work in the liberal arts. I’m currently in grad school and pushing to finish this year if all goes well.

In the city meeting someone new is an interesting endeavor. I’m not shy at all but I’m not a huge drinker, don’t do drugs, and don’t tend to like large dance clubs which for some reason makes me not quite hipster enough for some. I am however not shy and tend to be able to hold a very good conversation on almost any topic.

I’m certainly not perfect, but no one is, and I hope you aren’t either. I’ve traveled all over the world and politically you could say I’m socially liberal and fiscally conservative. I would join the libertarian party if the over half of them were not crazy and organizing it was not like herding cats. I grew up in the bay area as a total nerd but somehow retained great social skills.

I would love to meet an intelligent, outgoing, outspoken, opinionated, fun, and unique woman. I love curves on a woman but I really don’t have a “type”. Someone dynamic enough to go to the symphony one night, chill at home and read the next, and then maybe go to a dive bar and chat forever the next. This of course over time should be integrated with amazing physical attraction and possibly you being pinned against a wall in passion.

As far as myself I’m 6’2’’, blond, blue eyed, slender, and in very good shape. I tend to mostly wear jeans, T-shirts, and worn boots.

So if any of this seems to interest you shoot me an email with a picture and we’ll chat some more and maybe venture out for coffee or a drink.

This guy seems great, so I hope I hear from him. Here's one I've no intention of replying to, since he is likely crazy; however, his post was so off-the-wall that I felt I should post it here:

MANLY MAN BEAST WARRIOR

Manly man beast warrior. I ride a horse and carry a battle axe. My manly chest hair is flaring in the wind and my manly package is bulging out of my tight loin cloth. It’s bouncing up and down as I ride my stallion up beside you and scoop you up unto my horse. I throw you over my shoulder and smack your ass. Cus that’s how I roll! Then I take my bitch back to my cave. My manly man cave dwelling and throw you down on my bear skin rug in front of the manly fire. I then proceed to give you multiple orgasms. Just by looking into your eyes!

I AM A BEAST WARRIOR LISTEN NOW AS I SOUND MY MATEING CALL....
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Oh, and he included a picture of himself as well as an illustration of some sort of crazed Viking warrior.

How about this one?

2009-01-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

I am the aunt of a 25-6 year old nephew, mother of a 29 year old son. Both are hetro, employed and will be attending my open house on January 17. It's a very eclectic group, neighbors, relatives, friends and work folks. More folks in the 55-65 range than under 30.

I don't know you but if you are willing to take a flyer and just drop by for a party (hors d'oeuvres and wine) to me at least two eligible young men, e-mail me and I will send you and invitation.
You can bring a friend and we are in your neighborhood.

I've received two more responses to my ad since I wrote my last post, this one and one other (which was, well, lame). What do you think about this one?

15 Responses

2009-01-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

After receiving three responses in the first 30 minutes of having my ad up on Craigslist, I ended up getting 12 more in the following day. Amazingly, they all seem to be responses to my ad and not just random spambots; however, they are of varying quality.

1. Australia guy. As I said, I did e-mail him back, but that exchange died quickly and I expect nothing of it.

2. Just-got-out-of-a-4-year-relationship guy. Hmm, maybe.

3. The local who likes to go dancing and clubbing. I don't think I'm going to go anywhere with him.

4. This guy has just moved back from another part of the state (the same place Sandy lives), and is on Craigslist because he is "tired of the same girls from the bars." He's a possibility.

5. This one sounds OK (though he's short) but he says he apologizes "that I don't send pictures out due to my job but I know I won't disappoint." He can't send pictures from his own e-mail because of his job? What does he do? This just seems weird to me.

6. He sent a picture and is about my age, but barely wrote anything and lists his interests as "sports, tv, movies, listening to music and hanging out." Hanging out? Since when is that an interest worth listing in an answer to a personal ad?

7. Honesty man. He opened his response by saying, "first of all I wont lie to you at all thats a promise." He says he's an Italian Asian mix and I wonder if he's actually from another country as his English is not quite right given that he says he's very educated. He sent a picture and looks nice enough. He's an option.

8. Remember how Superquail wrote in her ad for me, "I don't want a guy…who honestly believes that he is a more interesting person just because he smokes pot…"? Well, this guy just sent a photo of him blowing a big cloud of smoke towards the camera. It's actually kind of an arty shot, but that's so not the point.

9. OC man. He's from there and is going to be in a city about 50 miles south of me for five days and wonders (in very odd, poorly line-broken English) if I might want to meet him during that time. Hells no.

10. This one simply said, "You are real Classey too! I can just tell!"

11. He sent a message asking how my holiday season was and stating that he doesn't usually do internet dating. No photo, but he said he had a hard time trying to upload one on Craigslist. I could get a photo—and maybe I will—but I'm concerned because he's got an area code that isn't immediately close by. Actually, come to think of it, isn't it weird to put your phone number in the first e-mail? Wait a second: he didn't respond to anything in my post. Spam?

12. All he asked was, "What's a K-bird?" I didn't respond to him, but for those of you who don't know, Superquail's nickname for me is Katiebird.

13. He is perhaps the best prospect of the bunch.What do you think?

"I saw your ad and it piqued my interests. I just finished my residency and now I'm looking to meet someone new for fun, friendship, and possibly more. You sound like a cool and interesting person that I would like to get to know. I'm down to Earth, easy going, fun, loves to laugh, very open-minded, and honest and trustworthy. I have no dramas in my life, besides what goes on at work, no children, no previous ex wife, no skeletons in the closet, and i'm an all around good person -- no bad karma here, just good vibes. I love to surf, bodyboard, body surf (been in the ocean surfing for the past 15 years), swim, run, paddle canoes, spear fish, snorkel, and lift weights. I also love to sing, play the guitar (i've been playing classical guitar for 14 years), dance, draw, write poetry and stories, work with my hands, play pool, watch live music, etc... I also like cooking and make great pasta with salmon. I've also lived in South America before, and have traveled quite extensively."

He even included a link to his music. I've not listened to it yet, but that seems nice. There were two pictures as well, and he looks nice. Should I message him back? He offered to take me out for drinks.

14. This was one of the most interesting responses. This guy was writing on behalf of a friend whom he feels needs a date. He wrote:

"Hi! So I came across your craigslist ad, and.. well….this may sound a little strange, but I am looking to hook my good friend (& roommate) up for a date. He would never take the time to post/respond, and I owe him.. so…. Heres the deal, he just moved to city and doesn’t know anyone in the area, and I know for a fact he is tired of dealing with the type of girls you meet at a bar/club :-/

Anyways… ill get to the point… my buddy’s name is jon. He just turned 25, white, 6’2”, about 205lbs of pure man muscle (no homo) .. college graduate, entrepreneurial business… Successful business owner of 6+ years... VERY hard worker… always up for a good time (weekend party, bars, you name it..)…. works out regularly… athletic… a DAMN good wakeboarder/snowboarder… motivated, focused, down to earth, funny, honest, easygoing… ive known this kid since freshman year of highschool, and I can honestly say he is a great standup guy. …

o ya, and he loves photos of veggies too, but then again, who doesnt?"

Anyway, as much as I might want some pure man muscle, this guy seems to be too much of a partier and a bit more of the frat-boy type (I know I said I wouldn't type-cast people) than I care for.

15. Eggplant guy. "I think its organic eggplant. I don't know..i am no vegetable expert, but I sure do love em. Anywho, I am not very good at being "online" so here goes; I like listening to records, reading bukowski, and just being kind of existentialist and completely happy and satisfied with life (i know im a paradigm).

If you wanna maybe eat some delicious Ramen, hang out, listen to good music you should probably start talking to me soon...please? :)"

So who should I respond to? Anyone?