An unnatural love of bacon

Velcro4's going to be out of town for the holidays, so the chances of losing momentum and never going on a date are quite high. If there's one thing that I've learned in this year of online dating, it's that optimism only goes so far.

For today's oddity, I've chosen a bit from JimClak's profile:

"I really don't like filling these things out. Let's see, I drink much more coffee than is healthy, I smoke an amazing amount of cigarettes per day, and I have an unnatural love of bacon. I also studied holistic health for a year."

I never understand people like this: they've studied health, and yet their lives are anything but healthy. Can anyone explain this to me?

Patience is a virtue…

Virtue is a grace,
Grace is a little girl who doesn't wash her face.

So goes the rhyme I learned at some point in childhood and have delighted in ever since…

I'm being terribly patient with velcro4. He's a grad student, in the last year of his Ph.D program, and as such, he's super busy preparing for a big conference presentation this week. I really would like to meet him, so I'm going to wait until he's got time on his hands again and see if he's up for a date.

Until then, I'm continuing to peruse the dating site and Craigslist, the latter of which offered up this crazy ad earlier in the week:

DECAPOD CRUSTACEAN SEEKS ROMANCE!!! - 3

Hey ladies, I just realized how long it's been since I was last involved in a relationship and I'm really dying to get with someone who's down to earth and willing to date an actual crab. Yes, yes, I am literally a crab. Thick exoskeleton, chelae claws, a propensity for rocks. It's not easy finding love as a crustacean, let me tell you!

I really just want a casual relationship with someone. We can get to know each other through a few e-mails. Exchange pics. Maybe go on a few romantic hikes along the coast a little down the line. Who knows what'll happen! You just might be the one that'll lock abdomens with me in a pre-mating embrace, lasting many days, before you finally molt and then YOU KNOW WHAT! LOLL!! JK JK JK!!

Anyways, I'm 24cm, purple-ish, recently molted. I don't like cats. LOVE DOGS!!! That's my Kilulu in the pic below. She loves new people and she LOVES TO PLAY!

You: Human

Thanks! Look forward to e-mails!

Believe it or not, the post did include a picture of a purple crab. I really wonder if this person got any positive responses to this ad. It's just so weird.

Online Dating Fail

Failblog had this gem the other day.

In other news, I asked velcro4 out for coffee. We've e-mailed a few times now, and I'm going to be in his neck of the woods next weekend, so I figured it was worth a shot. We'll see…

My 100th Post

I was going to post something horribly trivial, but when I realized that this one was going to be post number 100, I figured I ought to write something a tad more meaningful. I'm going to save the wrap-up of my year of online dating for December 26, as that is my official online-dating anniversary, but I will offer a reflection on being single during the holidays.

Holiday parties, family gatherings, and wintertime activities are full of opportunities to do something with a significant other. When one is single, one can, of course, go to or do one of these things by oneself, but it takes a lot of confidence. Questions like, "Oh, who'd you come with?" or "One pair of skates or two" can be frustrating for a single person, because as much as one would like to say, "My boyfriend X" or "Two pairs, please," those responses are impossible. While most will be supportive, some will show pity.

Spare me the pity please. If I'm at your event, offer to introduce me to someone new (and single) or talk to me about anything other than your date/partner/spouse. If you've got a moment free in your holiday schedule, offer to go on a friendly date with me or another single friend of yours. There's nothing like this time of year to make single people feel like we shouldn't intrude on our coupled friends, since they've probably got two (or more) sets of family members to be with.

However, all of this isn't to say that I won't be looking for a special person with whom to spend what's left of the holiday season. I might, if I'm feeling particularly outgoing, use some of the tips given by Wayne Elise (founder of social coaching company Charisma Arts) in an article in today's SF Chronicle to try to secure a "holidate." If all else fails—and I'm feeling really desperate (which, hopefully, will not happen)—I can always go to Craigslist where there's a plethora of men looking for dates for their company holiday party…

Finally, I'll leave you with a bit of thoughtfulness (with a dash of zany), as written by a random user on the dating site last night:

Identity is such a slippery thing. Bhuddists would say that our personas are an illusion and that we are all part of the same cosmic fabric, the universe pretending to be people. I really like this idea...I also like curly fries!

Oh Craigslist, how I love thee…

I found this ad on Friday night. Wow. Just wow.


I <3 monster chicks - 26 First of all, this post is real. I don't remember the name, but I saw an old movie where a priest consummated with a demon and gave rise to a scary, infernal, and totally awesome kid. I believe in magic the gathering, the unseen, fairy tales, and the supernatural; and I believe in you, girl. I'm a sam, Asian, and you're an smf, sdf, or whatever you call yourself. Skin of crimson, skin of onyx, horns, fangs, wings, venom, or flame - any or all of your charms figure skate across the surface of our attraction. Maybe you drink blood. Maybe you eat people. I'm okay with that. I drink water. I eat plants. Our meals together see the most interesting of table fare. Whether you live in SF or literally have hellish commutes, we can hang out here, there, or anywhere - the beauty is that amusement and novelty spring up wherever we're together. Although it would be rad to have a demon jr. running around, neither you nor I are rash to skip the swanboat ride and hurtle straight into the tunnel of love. We'll initially just see how we click. Perhaps by late winter we'll be strolling the fields, baskets in our arms, unearthing poisonous toads for you to turn into potions. As our companionship warms up to the Bay Area summer, you may save me from a shark by ripping it apart with your talons. I have several degrees. You have about 800, in your scorching breath. I walk and see people on Powell. You stalk and leave people disemboweled. Our blend of personalities scrawls out sheet music for the diabolical symphony that we clang and crash throughout SF.

hand for claw, pic for pic

Inbox

I may not always hear back from the guys I message, but at least I don't have the following problem, which was posted by a user on the dating site recently:

"What in the hell?

Okay… This is a new one from [dating site]… And i guess it's a testiment to just how unpopular i am on here… But i officially have a number over my little mailbox reading '-1'. That's right. I'm negative messages."

I really feel for the guy. That's just really sad. I hope, for his sake, that the dating site was quick to fix the problem.

It's me! Every guy you've ever dated!

I've not had much luck with Craigslist, which is to say that though I've exchanged a few e-mails with both guys I've "met" from there, I've never gone on a date from Craigslist. However, it continues to be a great source of amusement so I keep looking. Earlier in the week, I found this wonderfully written post. You really have to read it all the way through, so stick with it. I think it's worth it though, and I'll probably message him tomorrow.

"Hello! Its me! You know, the guy from last weekend! Its nice to talk to you again. I’m sorry my picture on the eHarmony ad was four years out of date, but I’m roughly the same weight I was then, give or take 15 pounds and a beard, so no worries. Also, I’m sorry I’m twenty minutes late for our date. My car wouldn’t start because I haven’t changed the oil in 12,000 miles or even checked it once for that matter, so I had to take MUNI over to your place. I’ll let you know, there were some stinky people on that bus! I think some of that funk rubbed off on me, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t changed my boxer shorts in a week, one of the two I guess. I never come to the Mission, so it took me awhile to figure out which bus to take. Is it me or does Valencia Street seem like a totally different city than the Marina? Must be all the brown people everywhere.

Anyways.

How are you? I was thinking we could go to a cheap restaurant somewhere within two blocks of here, because I’m sure that you know all the good places around here and you’re not tired of any of them. If we were in my neighborhood I would totally take you to Left At Albuquerque, because that place rocks! They have all the games on TV and giant beers, plus the food is vaguely ethnic, yet non-threatening. I hate having my horizons expanded! Oh, you’re still not ready yet? That’s okay. I’ll sit here in your front room and pester your incredibly gay roommate with questions about football while you do whatever weird chick stuff you ladies do. Then I’ll be quietly shocked when you roommie tells me that he doesn’t like football. I should’ve guessed. The fact that he’s knitting while watching the Real Housewives of the OC might have been a good clue, but there you go! SF is totally different than Newport Beach, that’s for sure!

Sweet! You’re ready to go. So, you still want to get dinner or just go get shitfaced at some bar? Oh really, dinner? Okay, I can do that. So, uh, where do you want to go? Ethiopian food? What’s that, a big plate of nothing? Ha ha ha! Hey, why aren’t you laughing? Okay, okay, we’ll get Ethiopian food. Its like Chinese right?

Wow. That was the craziest meal ever, I mean, I was half expecting to be swatting flies off my face the whole time! Wow, still no laughing, huh? I’ll guess I’ll have to just quit on the whole starvation jokes. Soooooooo, still ready for some drinks? Great! Just one thing, I can’t go to one of those weird hipster/emo Mission bars okay? Wait! Don’t get upset. Let me put it this way: I just feel more comfortable surrounded by striped shirts, okay? No, I’m not saying I’d rather be in prison in the 1920’s. Stop laughing. Seriously, now you can’t stop laughing, but when I started making fun of famine plagued East Africans all I heard was crickets. Wait, what? Of course I like punk music! 311 is the best band of all time! Those guys totally rock. Okay, we’ll go to punk night at Delirium. I usually only go to North Beach or Union Street, so this should be fun.

I’m still waiting for the DJ to play some 311, I even went and asked her if she could play some, but she just looked at me. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think she’s into me or something, because I saw her talking to her friend and then pointing at me and smiling. Guess its my new haircut. I paid ninety-five-fuckin-dollars for this sweet haircut, and I know the chicks can’t get enough of…hey!....where’d you go? I just went to the bar to get you another PBR and a jagerbomb for myself and you took off? Damn, that sucks. Good thing I’ve got plenty of time to get back to the North Star and meet up with my boys. I didn’t put this much gel in my hair to not get laid tonight…

On a serious note ladies, if that sounds like a typical date for you, then you’ve been missing out. There are plenty of nice, intelligent, well read, well traveled gentlemen out there just waiting to meet a nice girl. I know, because I’m one of them. I’m a 30 year old guy with a good job, stable living situation, (fairly) normal family, no wife/girlfriend, healthy, blah blah blah. I’ve lived abroad for years at a time, speak Spanish fluently and can swear proficiently and/or order a beer in another 10 languages, and I read an average of a book and a half a week. I like baseball and football, but would rather be outside in the park on a sunny afternoon than cooped up in the house watching the game. I’m a decent cook, and a former bartender so I can whip up some mean blender drinks, if that’s your thing. I enjoy bike riding, getting out of town on the weekends to visit friends, coffee shops and Irish bars. Also, I’m 6’3 with green eyes and brown hair.

I do like to do some light boozing on the weekends, but that’s more of a social thing than anything else. I work M-F at a 9-5 for a local company that actually seems to value and respect its employees. I do have to go to work dinners a couple times a month, but those are fun and girlfriends are often invited. That’s me in a nutshell. Thanks for reading."

Being sick definitely makes one feel less attractive

If I hadn't been too tired to type, the cold that I got on Wednesday would have been enough to keep me from messaging/viewing profiles/posting here. The fact of the matter is, I feel gross and that makes me feel completely unattractive in every possible way. Who'd want to start dating a sniffling, coughing, sleepy girl who has gone without a shower for too long? No one.

Therefore, after not hearing back from Derek on Tuesday, I decided to message velcro4, a guy on the dating site who has interested me for a while. I might not have messaged, but he'd just looked at my profile, so I figured it was worth a shot. As I waited for a reply, I got this cold and I pretty much forgot about velcro4.

Then he responded last night. Hurrah! That said, I couldn't muster up enough energy to write him back until a few minutes ago. I have to say though, this is one of the best things about online dating. One can be horribly sick, but no one's the wiser. The guys sitting in front of their computers don't know that I'm subsisting on tea and cough drops. This, in comparison to meeting guys at a club/concert/bar/etc—I wouldn't be up to going to any of those places in this state.

I can say with complete certainty that no matter how good or bad I may feel about myself or whether or not his self summary is a parody, I will not be messaging Spiritof76:

"I am hella cool. Hella. Like, how much cooler can you get than online dating, right? I mean it's not like I need to be on the internet to meet ladies, obviously, I'm just really down with the information super highway, and want to do what I can to support electronic mass media. Go world wide web! I'm behind you all thew ay. So I'd really like to meet a gal who's shares my enthusiasm for technology. Also, I rock a yarmulka, which, as everyone knows, is about the coolest, hippest thing around…"

Wishful thinking

I think I did put Derek off. I've not heard from him since yesterday morning, but I've seen him online so I know he got my one line message this afternoon: "Still up for tomorrow?" Oh well.

In slightly more interesting and amusing news, NPR's "All Things Considered" did a couple of pieces on online dating today. Check them out here and here.

Finally, a bit of bizarre from the profile of simplenough:

You should message me if:
you're a homosexual black Jewish pre-op transwoman with poor eyesight. Erm… I think I just realized why no one messages me. :/
What I'm doing with my life:
I plan on opening a business in the area of "software entertainment" ('tis a euphamism lolz). I hunger for power. Mine is an evil laugh.

So you don't drink? Is that true?

Yes indeed, Derek, that's true.

Derek and I chatted yesterday morning and among the topics we touched on was food and drink. We're both foodies, but, sadly, I'm just not into alcohol. The smell (and thus the taste) is completely off-putting; however, this tends to make me an extremely cheap date.

Anyway, assuming I didn't put him off by my disinterest in drinking, I think we're on for tomorrow night.