Online Dating Etiquette

Edit: Since writing this, I've received a short but sweet message back from Theo. All is well. We're talking about getting together again this weekend. Plus, while I was waiting to hear from him I had a nice exchange of messages with a guy I'll call Jesse. Depending on how things work out with Theo, I may end up meeting up with Jesse. So the below now really is just a lot of frustration I needed to get out of my system.


Disclaimer: this post is a bit of a rant, though it's also an update and an ask for advice.

When looking for a date in the real world, one must have tough skin. A lot of energy is put into scoping out, approaching, and attempting to speak to potential dates. It's hard enough to approach, let alone speak, to someone new, so there are plenty of people who are only seen from afar and remembered as "what ifs?." In the real world, if one is fortunate enough to elicit a phone number from another, it's up to the receiver of that number to call it and the giver to answer (or even give a real number in the first place).

Online, it's different. Everyone is just as approachable as everyone else. There are no groups of friends to push you toward someone, the person being approached can't see you coming and hide before you get to them (well, not usually), and his/her friends can't intervene. If you do choose to message someone, it's understood that if he/she is not interested, there's no need to reply.

However, what remains the same with real-world and online dating is that if you actually go on a date with someone, the rules during and after that date are the same. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a date ends with "This was really fun and we should do it again," there's going to be an assumption that there might be a second date.

Such is the situation I find myself in with Theo (and the one I had with Aiden). I sent that second date message and am now waiting for a response. Perhaps I'm more polite than the average person, but if I receive a second date message from someone I've decided I don't want to see again, I at least have the courtesy to write him back. Is this too much to ask?

The one difference between the real world and online, is that in the real world, if you go on a date with a guy you met at the bar and you don't hear from a him again, you have no idea what he's up to. In the online world, you can see what he's up to, if he's been online, if he's been updating his profile.

Then again, one can also see that 21 year-old guys with usernames like kickaxecode want you to IM with them. That just adds insult to injury.

Real Simple's "Love Rules" - Part 3

9. Love conquers all.
Love can withstand many hardships, but, as sociologist Pepper Schwartz writes, "Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse." And it doesn't take something so severe either, as personal-development expert Barbara De Angelis says, "Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required."

10. Everyone experiences the seven-year itch.
Who says it takes seven years? I think at some point in most relationships there's going to be a temptation to split up or start seeing someone on the side. Whether or not that temptation is acted on is up to the couple and how hard they're willing to work to keep the relationship going. Psychologist Howard Markman would agree with me I think, as he states: "The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship."

11. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
As much as I wish this were true—I fancy myself a pretty good cook and like making food for guys—I don't think it usually is. "It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled," writes sex-therapist Judy Kuriansky. Ideally, my partner would want to cook with me and have the same skill-level that I do; there's something incredibly attractive about cooking together that I'd like to experience again.

Thus concludes my response to Real Simple's article. Are there any "love rules" that you've heard that I didn't include here? I'd love to know.

Finally, because a day doesn't go by that I don't find something truly ridiculous on Craigslist, here's your daily funny:

SURREALITY CHECK: DOES YOUR ASS EXIST WHEN NO ONE'S CHECKING IT OUT?

or is it Schroedinger's Ass?

For a clever answer, a professional asstimator will consider postmodern drinks.

Real Simple's "Love Rules" - Part 2

Continuing where I left off in my last post…

5. Never go to bed angry.
While it might be hard to sleep if there is something upsetting you, I agree with the "experts" that trying to talk about emotional subjects when you are very tired often ends up making the situation worse. I think psychologist Nancy Kalish has it right when she says, "You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified."

6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
I've never experienced it—at least with animate objects (handbags on the other hand…). I think what sociologist Pepper Schwartz has the right idea: "It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start."

7. Always keep him guessing.
This is very much like #3 (Always play hard to get). This phrase could mean a range of things, from spontaneously buying theatre tickets for an evening out to being outright dishonest. Clearly the latter is a bad thing, but random romantic acts are not. Dating-site co-founder is spot on in my book: "There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic."

8. You can never be too close.
I think at some point we've all felt smothered by the person (people) we love. Everyone needs some space in order to keep the relationship strong. Also, there's definitely the risk of taking another person for granted. As Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist, states: "Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted. Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close."

I'll stop there for now. Tomorrow I'll work through the last three points:

9. Love conquers all.
10. Everyone experiences the seven-year itch.
11. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Real Simple's "Love Rules"

In the issue of Real Simple delivered to my apartment today, there's an article ("Love Rules") which examines common beliefs about love and relationships. They picked 13 "rules" and then had nine "experts"—including a founder of the dating site I use—discuss them. Since some are about marriage and/or kids, I will exclude those from my musings; I will, however, work through about ten over the next few days. Here are the first four.

1. Say "I love you" every day.
I think this is really important but, as psychologist Nancy Kalish says in the article, "it should be said often but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.” I think this is a good thing to keep in mind for a lot of words and phrases (curse words, in particular).

2. Play hard to get.
What's the point? I'm not in the business of wasting people's time. I completely agree with Sam Yagan, the co-founder of an online dating service: "Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?"

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Short absences, perhaps. Long-term ones, I don't know. If we're talking a business trip or vacation, something with a definite end, I think I could handle it. If it's a nebulous, "I'll be away for a while and I don't know when I'll return" kind of thing, I think I'd have to do some serious soul-searching (as would, I think, the other person in the relationship).

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz had this to say on the matter: "To a point—and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect."

4. You can learn to love someone.
I'm going to agree with Greg Behrendt (co-author of He's Just Not That Into You) on this one: "No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with." I think this is how I felt about Sandy. I really wanted to be in a relationship with him and he was giving signs that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I fooled myself into thinking that it would be great, but really I don't think it ever would have moved from like to love.

Next time I'll tackle these points:

5. Never go to bed angry.
6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
7. Always keep him guessing.
8. You can never be too close.

Until then, I'll leave you with yet another reference to cougars. It's a title of a Craigslist post that I came upon tonight: TENDER PREY WAITING FOR A HUNGRY COUGAR - 35. What is it with cougars all of a sudden?