Dating to Learn

When I started this blog, I was learning to date. Two years later, I know how to date. I know what makes a good first date and what doesn't, what to wear (I have a signature green hat that has become my "I'll be the one in the green hat" identifier), what to talk about and what to leave for future dates (if there are any), and how to get out of a date I'm not enjoying.

Now, instead of learning how to date, I'm paying more attention to what my dates have to teach me. Of all the guys I've met in person and the many more I've only encountered online, I've learned all sorts of things. One of the main things I've learned is how to appreciate something even if I don't enjoy it myself. Sandy, for example, explained to me why he enjoys riding motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles, but, thanks to him, I can see why they appeal to so many people. Carl and Paul have discussed their fondness for video games, Carl for developing them, Paul for playing them. Just because I don't understand the appeal of trying to become a Level 65 mage doesn't mean others can't have a great time doing so. Dan tried his hardest to get me to like roller coasters. Sorry, Dan, they're not for me. I'm simply not an adrenaline junkie. However, I can appreciate how much goes into making a good roller coaster and why so many people enjoy them.

Others have introduced me to things I might, or might not, have found on my own. Aiden pointed me to the beautiful soundtrack of "Atonement." Theo introduced me to Bruckner. Henry taught me the game Flux—how had I never played it before?—and retaught me gin rummy; I proceeded to beg him to play both games with me for months after. And even though Gavin couldn't for the life of him give me any reason to enjoy his stories about military training, he did take me to a great neighborhood restaurant.

A full, updated blog post will be up soon, but it's been a long week what with starting my new job(!) and I just haven't had the energy to write. What have your dates taught you?

Online Dating Etiquette

Edit: Since writing this, I've received a short but sweet message back from Theo. All is well. We're talking about getting together again this weekend. Plus, while I was waiting to hear from him I had a nice exchange of messages with a guy I'll call Jesse. Depending on how things work out with Theo, I may end up meeting up with Jesse. So the below now really is just a lot of frustration I needed to get out of my system.


Disclaimer: this post is a bit of a rant, though it's also an update and an ask for advice.

When looking for a date in the real world, one must have tough skin. A lot of energy is put into scoping out, approaching, and attempting to speak to potential dates. It's hard enough to approach, let alone speak, to someone new, so there are plenty of people who are only seen from afar and remembered as "what ifs?." In the real world, if one is fortunate enough to elicit a phone number from another, it's up to the receiver of that number to call it and the giver to answer (or even give a real number in the first place).

Online, it's different. Everyone is just as approachable as everyone else. There are no groups of friends to push you toward someone, the person being approached can't see you coming and hide before you get to them (well, not usually), and his/her friends can't intervene. If you do choose to message someone, it's understood that if he/she is not interested, there's no need to reply.

However, what remains the same with real-world and online dating is that if you actually go on a date with someone, the rules during and after that date are the same. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a date ends with "This was really fun and we should do it again," there's going to be an assumption that there might be a second date.

Such is the situation I find myself in with Theo (and the one I had with Aiden). I sent that second date message and am now waiting for a response. Perhaps I'm more polite than the average person, but if I receive a second date message from someone I've decided I don't want to see again, I at least have the courtesy to write him back. Is this too much to ask?

The one difference between the real world and online, is that in the real world, if you go on a date with a guy you met at the bar and you don't hear from a him again, you have no idea what he's up to. In the online world, you can see what he's up to, if he's been online, if he's been updating his profile.

Then again, one can also see that 21 year-old guys with usernames like kickaxecode want you to IM with them. That just adds insult to injury.

From Three to One

It seems like ages ago that I wrote I was going to go on three dates in one week with three different guys, though it was really only ten days ago. I realized that though a couple of you have heard from me in person about the dates, most of you are probably wondering what happened.

Tom, as I said before, turned out to be a great guy—just not the one for me. In an ideal world, I'd become friends with him; however, we met on a dating site, not a friend site, so I doubt either of us will actually pursue that. (Though if I'm ever desperate to play Scrabble, he's the one I'll call.)

I really liked Aiden. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to feel the same. We had a fine time on our date, and it ended with a “We didn’t get to discuss ____, we’ll have to do that next time” from him, so I just assumed I’d hear from himagain. Nope. I wrote him a day later to say I’d had a nice time and ask if he might be interested in another date, but I’ve not received as much as a smoke signal.

As I was still waiting to hear back from Aiden when Friday afternoon rolled around—and it was ugly and rainy out (like it had been for a few weeks)—I was quite unenthusiastic about my date with Paul that night. I thought about canceling, but he IMed me a couple of hours before to tell me how excited he was and I didn’t have the heart to cancel.

We had planned to meet at a local museum that does afterhours events on Friday nights. At 6. I got there with plenty of time to spare, so I went in for a bit to warm up before going back outside (no rain, fortunately) to wait for him a few minutes before 6. By 6:15, I was cold, grumpy, and done with my magazine. I finally texted him, figuring he was trying to find parking, only to get a reply that he was really sorry but was still a number of blocks away due to bad traffic. Fast forward another 20 minutes and a few more texts and he finally shows up. I really wanted to be mad at him, but he was so endearingly apologetic that I forgave him right away.

All in all, we had a pretty good time wandering the galleries and chatting. We left to get dinner and had another good chat before he had to leave for a late-night comedy show with a friend. I had thought I’d be relieved when it came time to go home, but I wasn’t—I wanted to see him again.

And I will. Saturday night. Of the 16 guys I’ve dated from the dating site, only four (including Paul) have made it to a second date. Will he be the third to make it to a third date?

Finally, I want to thank all of you for reading this blog, especially those of you that I’ve never met. I don’t know how you found me, but it’s pretty cool knowing that this blog has moved beyond my immediate circle of friends.

A First For Me

This week I will do what I've never done before: go on three dates with three different guys. I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I'll enjoy the popularity while I have it.

I've already mentioned Aiden, the one who seems really great but lives a fair distance from me. We've plans to go out tomorrow night. Then there's Tom, who IMed me on Friday night while I was waiting to hear from Aiden. I was bored and he seemed nice enough, so we started chatting. After three hours—yeah, I know that's a long time—we had decided to go out the next day. We had lunch and went for a hike out on the coast and had a pretty good time. I liked him well enough, but I think he'd be a much better friend for me than a boyfriend. More on that another time.

I finally got an e-mail from Aiden saying that he'd call last night, only I missed his call. When I called him back, I had to leave a message. While I waited for him to call me again, I logged on to the dating site and looked at one new profile. That guy, Paul, looked at mine and IMed. Two hours go by and we're set to go out on Friday. Meanwhile, Aiden hasn't called.

The thing is that of the three, Aiden is definitely the one in whom I'm most interested. He's smart, charming, funny, and into world affairs (something Henry was not). Oh, and he's pretty good-looking to boot. The distance is the biggest obstacle, and I guess the one that makes me feel OK about going out with these other guys.

Two Teetotalers Walk Into a Bar…

As I mentioned in my last post, I had a date this week. Jeremy (an alias of course) e-mailed me a few weeks ago about a part of my profile he found particularly interesting: "I don't drink—I simply don't like the taste of alcohol (or much of anything that is fermented, for that matter)." He said he felt the same way about alcohol and wondered how I handled telling this to people as he finds he has a hard time explaining it. I said that I tell people and if they don't like it or try to convince me that they can find an alcohol I'll like, they're not worth keeping around. After exchanging a few more e-mails, I proposed going on a bar crawl during which we'd challenge bartenders to create us their best non-alcoholic concoctions. He accepted.

Given that we exchanged no messages for the week between his acceptance of my plan and the date, I felt fairly certain this was not going to be the match of my dreams. It wasn't. Jeremy is a nice guy, don't get me wrong, and we were able to sustain conversation for a few hours, but I feel fairly certain that neither of us will be contacting each other again anytime soon. As has been the case with the last few guys I've gone out with, our match percentage was at the bottom of my threshold and I wouldn't have contacted him had he not done so first.

I've been e-mailing with another guy, let's call him Aiden, who seems like a much better prospect—if it weren't for the fact he lives an inconvenient distance from me. Not far, just far enough. That said, he seems fairly willing to come into the city, so I'm not too worried about the distance for now. More about him soon.

Also, I'll be asking for advice from you, my dear readers, in the next few posts. So start thinking about dating etiquette and stay tuned.