Three Weeks of Preamble = Excellent First Date

This is going to be a bit of a tease, since I don't have time to write much, but:

- Theo's disappeared. I never heard from him after our second date. Also, I think he blocked my e-mail.
- Paul's still around, but we haven't seen much of each other and, because he's been in finals mode at school for the last few weeks, we haven't chatted much either.
- Jesse? Who knows what happened to him. Then again, I don't care.
- Travis. He messaged me and we messaged, IMed, and texted for a few weeks before we finally went out on Friday. Fantastic. I can't wait to see him again. I'll write more, as soon as we've worked out the second date.

Since Travis came along, I've pretty much been off of the dating site. It's been at least a week since I logged in. I continue to receive messages, but I've not responded to any of them. I rather like this situation.

Oh, and for those of you who liked my car metaphors, I have no idea what Travis is and that's just fine for now.

You Are Amazing

I started off the weekend as confused as I could possibly be, but, thanks to all of your comments, I finished it much more sound of mind. If you haven't read the comments on my last two posts, I encourage you to do so. I received lots of great advice and perspectives and was able to really think through the odd situation in which I've found myself. So here's what I've determined:

• Theo is the one I would like to keep seeing in earnest. He has come across as a bit shy, so, after waiting three days since our date last week, I decided to message him last night. I have no problem with taking it slow with him, though I do hope that our next date doesn't involve a frantic run to catch the last train (like the first two did).
• Paul is a cool guy, but a bit of a player. Should things not work out with Theo, he'd be around if I wanted him to be.
• Jesse is the wild card. He asked me out at the last minute tonight, but I'm home sick with a cold. I asked him if we might be able to hang out later this week. He seems interesting, so I don't want to write him off, but I'm treading very slowly with him. 

Even though I've sorted this out for now, I'm sure I'll have a lot more to consider in the weeks ahead. Please continue to comment and share advice/experiences. It means the world to me.

I'm Completely and Utterly Confused

So I made the mistake of going out with Paul on Thursday and then Theo on Friday. Knowing that I'd be seeing Theo on Friday for a second date, I told Paul that Thursday was going to be a strictly friends outing for us. I had to specify this because Paul has recently told me that, while he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, he's very much attracted to me and isn't sure he can be "just friends." When I met up with him for a casual dinner, I was feeling really excited about my upcoming date with Theo. I was sure that I'd have no problem behaving like I do with any of my other friends.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Paul tried to play it cool during dinner, but by the time we went across the street for ice cream, he was rapidly losing his ability to be just friendly. There was much flirtation and flattery and it got to me. My rational brain was fighting a serious uphill battle against my emotional brain; his rational brain was nearly decimated.

And still, the night was young, so we went over to a bar to sit and talk some more. By this point we were holding hands across the table. He wouldn't let go, but I didn't want him to. Therein lies the confusion. Even though I'd only been on one, completely G-rated date with Theo, at this point, I really want things to work out with him. Were I to do anything with Paul at this point, I worry that it would come back to bite me later if things with Theo continue to go well.

To make matters even more confusing, the second date with Theo went really well, but it was just as slow as the first. We seem to like each other and enjoy each other's company, we share many of the same likes and dislikes, and we always have plenty to talk about. That last point has, oddly enough, been the only real problem on our dates as we've found ourselves rushing to get him on the last train home at the end of the evening and never have time for a decent goodbye.

On paper, Theo wins against Paul hands down. He's older, more mature, witty and funny in the same way I am, passionate about classical music, a good dresser (I never did tell him last night how handsome he looked in his suit), doesn't drink or smoke, etc. However, I can't ignore the fact that there's incredibly intense physical attraction between me and Paul. My rational self picks Theo. My emotional self picks Paul. Which one will win in the end? I don't know, but I sure would like to find out soon.

P.S. In my last post I mentioned that I'd messaged with Jesse while waiting for an e-mail from Theo. I'd not heard anything from him since, so I assumed that I wouldn't. Only I did. I'm incredibly flattered to have the attention of these guys, but it makes everything so freaking complicated. If Daria's Quinn Morgendorfer (top left) and Gilmore Girls' Rory Gilmore (above right) morphed into one person, it might very well be me.

Online Dating Etiquette

Edit: Since writing this, I've received a short but sweet message back from Theo. All is well. We're talking about getting together again this weekend. Plus, while I was waiting to hear from him I had a nice exchange of messages with a guy I'll call Jesse. Depending on how things work out with Theo, I may end up meeting up with Jesse. So the below now really is just a lot of frustration I needed to get out of my system.


Disclaimer: this post is a bit of a rant, though it's also an update and an ask for advice.

When looking for a date in the real world, one must have tough skin. A lot of energy is put into scoping out, approaching, and attempting to speak to potential dates. It's hard enough to approach, let alone speak, to someone new, so there are plenty of people who are only seen from afar and remembered as "what ifs?." In the real world, if one is fortunate enough to elicit a phone number from another, it's up to the receiver of that number to call it and the giver to answer (or even give a real number in the first place).

Online, it's different. Everyone is just as approachable as everyone else. There are no groups of friends to push you toward someone, the person being approached can't see you coming and hide before you get to them (well, not usually), and his/her friends can't intervene. If you do choose to message someone, it's understood that if he/she is not interested, there's no need to reply.

However, what remains the same with real-world and online dating is that if you actually go on a date with someone, the rules during and after that date are the same. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a date ends with "This was really fun and we should do it again," there's going to be an assumption that there might be a second date.

Such is the situation I find myself in with Theo (and the one I had with Aiden). I sent that second date message and am now waiting for a response. Perhaps I'm more polite than the average person, but if I receive a second date message from someone I've decided I don't want to see again, I at least have the courtesy to write him back. Is this too much to ask?

The one difference between the real world and online, is that in the real world, if you go on a date with a guy you met at the bar and you don't hear from a him again, you have no idea what he's up to. In the online world, you can see what he's up to, if he's been online, if he's been updating his profile.

Then again, one can also see that 21 year-old guys with usernames like kickaxecode want you to IM with them. That just adds insult to injury.