Dating to Learn

When I started this blog, I was learning to date. Two years later, I know how to date. I know what makes a good first date and what doesn't, what to wear (I have a signature green hat that has become my "I'll be the one in the green hat" identifier), what to talk about and what to leave for future dates (if there are any), and how to get out of a date I'm not enjoying.

Now, instead of learning how to date, I'm paying more attention to what my dates have to teach me. Of all the guys I've met in person and the many more I've only encountered online, I've learned all sorts of things. One of the main things I've learned is how to appreciate something even if I don't enjoy it myself. Sandy, for example, explained to me why he enjoys riding motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles, but, thanks to him, I can see why they appeal to so many people. Carl and Paul have discussed their fondness for video games, Carl for developing them, Paul for playing them. Just because I don't understand the appeal of trying to become a Level 65 mage doesn't mean others can't have a great time doing so. Dan tried his hardest to get me to like roller coasters. Sorry, Dan, they're not for me. I'm simply not an adrenaline junkie. However, I can appreciate how much goes into making a good roller coaster and why so many people enjoy them.

Others have introduced me to things I might, or might not, have found on my own. Aiden pointed me to the beautiful soundtrack of "Atonement." Theo introduced me to Bruckner. Henry taught me the game Flux—how had I never played it before?—and retaught me gin rummy; I proceeded to beg him to play both games with me for months after. And even though Gavin couldn't for the life of him give me any reason to enjoy his stories about military training, he did take me to a great neighborhood restaurant.

A full, updated blog post will be up soon, but it's been a long week what with starting my new job(!) and I just haven't had the energy to write. What have your dates taught you?

Real Simple's "Love Rules"

In the issue of Real Simple delivered to my apartment today, there's an article ("Love Rules") which examines common beliefs about love and relationships. They picked 13 "rules" and then had nine "experts"—including a founder of the dating site I use—discuss them. Since some are about marriage and/or kids, I will exclude those from my musings; I will, however, work through about ten over the next few days. Here are the first four.

1. Say "I love you" every day.
I think this is really important but, as psychologist Nancy Kalish says in the article, "it should be said often but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.” I think this is a good thing to keep in mind for a lot of words and phrases (curse words, in particular).

2. Play hard to get.
What's the point? I'm not in the business of wasting people's time. I completely agree with Sam Yagan, the co-founder of an online dating service: "Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?"

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Short absences, perhaps. Long-term ones, I don't know. If we're talking a business trip or vacation, something with a definite end, I think I could handle it. If it's a nebulous, "I'll be away for a while and I don't know when I'll return" kind of thing, I think I'd have to do some serious soul-searching (as would, I think, the other person in the relationship).

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz had this to say on the matter: "To a point—and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect."

4. You can learn to love someone.
I'm going to agree with Greg Behrendt (co-author of He's Just Not That Into You) on this one: "No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with." I think this is how I felt about Sandy. I really wanted to be in a relationship with him and he was giving signs that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I fooled myself into thinking that it would be great, but really I don't think it ever would have moved from like to love.

Next time I'll tackle these points:

5. Never go to bed angry.
6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
7. Always keep him guessing.
8. You can never be too close.

Until then, I'll leave you with yet another reference to cougars. It's a title of a Craigslist post that I came upon tonight: TENDER PREY WAITING FOR A HUNGRY COUGAR - 35. What is it with cougars all of a sudden?

2008: It went out with a bang

This year I went on a single date with a bunch of different guys. There were a few with whom I would have loved to go out again, but they, unfortunately, didn't share my sentiments.

Until this week. Remember the vague references to the guy from out of town who'd asked me out? Well, let's call him Sandy, after his current place of residence. Sandy and I met up for chai and boardgames last weekend. We had a good time hanging out and he ended up inviting me to join him for pizza with a bunch of his college buddies. I could have turned him down—six hours with one person on a first date?—the prospect of good food with a bunch of new people seemed a lot better than leftovers at home by myself was too good to pass up. The evening did end up being a lot of fun and, if that had been all Sandy and I ever did, whatever—he lives so far away. However, I was getting ready to leave, he asked if he could see me again in a couple of days. I said yes.

So we met up again, this time for food, a good wander through the park, and random CD-buying at the city's biggest music store. Good times. He even came back to my apartment for CD-listening and, um, a little bit more than that.

The next day's New Year's Eve, and, lo and behold, we're both free and eager to hang out again. We went on a really neat ramble through one of the area's hidden gems before joining a couple friends of his for dinner, an awesome card game, and the ball drop. By the time he got me back to my place, it was really late, I could tell he was too tired to drive to the place he was staying, and, well, I wanted him to stay. So he did. He had to leave pretty early the next morning to drive far away back to his real home, so we said our goodbyes and promised we'd keep in touch.

Three dates with a great, smart, funny, well-mannered guy. What a way to end my year of online dating. Or so I thought. I heard from him the day after he got back and he said,

I think maybe I should not have stayed over on New Year's. I have some reservations as a couple and I think we should take a step back and just be friends. I am down to keep sending you amusing shit on the internet, but I don't think I am prepared for romance. Sorry. I honestly think you are an awesome lady and I'm sure everything will work out swimmingly for you.

True to his word, he sent me some funny internet links, but that wasn't what I really wanted from him. Given that he'd made all of the first moves, I wanted answers. So I asked for them.

It turns out that he's way more insecure than I ever gave him credit for. However, the honesty that came through when we played board games proved to be something he has in all aspects of his life, as he at least did give me his reasons for not wanting to date.

Reason #1: I think I should really be waiting until my life is stable to find a steady girl. OK. That, I can totally understand. He's in the process of trying to get a new job in a new city (one right near me, by the way) and until he's got all of that settled, his life's going to be pretty chaotic.

Reason #2: I also think two introverts is not a good mix, especially if one of them is me, seeing as I'm very bad at communication and suchlike. This one I'm not so sure about. The guys that I've dated for more than two seconds were both total extroverts, and I'm not sure that was any better. Two introverts may have to work harder at a relationship, but I don't think it's the bad mix he does.

Reason #3. Before I put what he wrote, I just need to say that this is as open as I'm going to get on this blog and this is probably one of the hardest things I am going to ever write here. I realize there aren't that many people who read the blog, nonetheless, I feel very exposed in writing this. I think this is kinda shitty 'cause it's not like you can do anything about it, but I'm not sure I'm up for dating a virgin again. My last (only) two long-term relationships were both with, ahem, inexperienced ladies and I think it kind of turned out badly for me, 'cause once they found out what having a boyfriend was like, they decided to get better boyfriends. I dunno. Doesn't the insecurity just shine through on this? I liked Sandy quite a lot and was pretty upset about the whole thing (I was crying while listening to Markéta Irglová sing "The Hill" from the Once soundtrack on repeat); however, once I read this I really had to wonder how insecure one could be. My feeling is that if I was going to go so far as to sleep with him, I would be ready to be with him for awhile. I'm sorry that his previous girlfriends felt differently, but I'm not like a lot of other people.

It took me a few hours (and a lot of online counseling from Superquail [thank you, dear]) but I realized that it was just as well that I found all of this out sooner rather than later. I have my insecurities, sure, but I think I'm a pretty strong individual. I had thought Sandy was too, but apparently I was wrong. If he's so unsure about all of this, I don't want to be involved with him. If he does move to my area, I'd probably meet up to play board games with him, as it's hard to find someone who likes board games as much as he does, but I won't try to pursue any sort of romantic relationship with him ever again. Plus, if I hang out with him and his guy friends, perhaps I might actually meet a better single guy. One can be optimistic, right?

Until then, I've got my sights set on a guy whose profile I've been looking at for a long time now. After months of dithering, I'm actually going to e-mail him. If I don't hear back, fine, but if I do that'll be neat. Did I mention he's posing (and growling along) with a miniature dinosaur?