I Might Have Been Wrong

After little contact throughout the week, I heard from Björn again on Thursday. It was a very short message, simply asking how my week was going. I could have written back with an equally short response, but I decided to be spontaneous and ask if he had any plans that night. I figured if we didn't go out then, I might not be free until after Thanksgiving week, and that didn't really seem fair.

Well, he was free, so we went to dinner where we sat and talked for over two hours. He's definitely growing on me, because after dinner, I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet. We ended up spending an hour wandering through the MoMA and another hour watching the ice skaters at Union Square before I finally realized that it was past 10 and I had to get up early the next morning. I waited with him until his bus came, at which point he kissed me on the cheek and went on his way.

That's when the butterflies started to flit around and I realized that not only would I like to go out with him again, but I didn't want to wait over a week to do so. Therefore, we'll be going on a near repeat of my first date with Henry—to hear Henry sing. (H and I have stayed friends, seeing each other at least every couple of months.) Don't worry, I asked H first if it would be OK to bring someone, and he was only encouraging.

I will, of course, let you know what happens; however, it might be a few days. I've got a couple of articles about online dating that will post in the meantime.

Dating to Learn

When I started this blog, I was learning to date. Two years later, I know how to date. I know what makes a good first date and what doesn't, what to wear (I have a signature green hat that has become my "I'll be the one in the green hat" identifier), what to talk about and what to leave for future dates (if there are any), and how to get out of a date I'm not enjoying.

Now, instead of learning how to date, I'm paying more attention to what my dates have to teach me. Of all the guys I've met in person and the many more I've only encountered online, I've learned all sorts of things. One of the main things I've learned is how to appreciate something even if I don't enjoy it myself. Sandy, for example, explained to me why he enjoys riding motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles, but, thanks to him, I can see why they appeal to so many people. Carl and Paul have discussed their fondness for video games, Carl for developing them, Paul for playing them. Just because I don't understand the appeal of trying to become a Level 65 mage doesn't mean others can't have a great time doing so. Dan tried his hardest to get me to like roller coasters. Sorry, Dan, they're not for me. I'm simply not an adrenaline junkie. However, I can appreciate how much goes into making a good roller coaster and why so many people enjoy them.

Others have introduced me to things I might, or might not, have found on my own. Aiden pointed me to the beautiful soundtrack of "Atonement." Theo introduced me to Bruckner. Henry taught me the game Flux—how had I never played it before?—and retaught me gin rummy; I proceeded to beg him to play both games with me for months after. And even though Gavin couldn't for the life of him give me any reason to enjoy his stories about military training, he did take me to a great neighborhood restaurant.

A full, updated blog post will be up soon, but it's been a long week what with starting my new job(!) and I just haven't had the energy to write. What have your dates taught you?

Theo: Henry v.2?

I've got another date tomorrow—guy number 18 for those of you playing along at home—with a guy I'll call Theo. I first came across his profile last October after the breakup with Henry, but, given that he'd just joined the site, I thought I'd wait a little while before messaging him. Then, as is my wont, I decided he was too good to message. (I know I've written about this before, but for the life of me I can't find the post.) However, as I was searching through my matches last weekend, I saw that he hadn't been messaged in over a week. I figured this might improve my chances of hearing back from him, so I got up the nerve to write.

To keep this short(er), we're going out tomorrow. So here's my worry: he's oddly similar to Henry. They share these things (among many others, I'm sure):
- Theo is German, Henry studied abroad in Austria and speaks German
- Theo is a "retired musicologist," Henry went to grad school for music
- Theo is in grad school for computer stuff, Henry did that in undergrad

To cap that off, our first date is going to be pretty much what my first date was with Henry: dinner at an ethnic restaurant and a free concert at a cafe. Who knows though? Henry and I dated for over seven months. Perhaps Theo will at least make it to date two.

Short-term vs. Long-term Dating

I've been thinking about this a lot recently due to the whole Paul situation. When I wrote last week, I said that Paul and I had agreed we were going to be friends due to his inability to commit to a relationship at present. I also thought we were going to see each other this past weekend. It turns out that a) he's too busy to hang out on most weekends and b) he just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship at all at this point in his life. We IMed tonight and, in our honest conversation, he said that he's going to stay on the dating site despite his unwillingness to commit to anyone. His profile says he's looking for short-term as well as long-term dating (clearly that last one doesn't match up with reality).

In the more than two years I've been on the dating site, I've never really been able to determine what's meant by "short-term" dating. Now that I've finally had to think about it, I guess it's whatever is between one-night stands and long-term relationships. I guess I've wanted to "settle down" for a while now—I've always craved stability—so I can't remember a time when I wanted to casually date anyone. I am realizing though, what with Paul and, of course, Henry, that there aren't a lot of guys out there that are ready at this point in their lives (mid- to late-twenties) to settle down. Why is this?

If you have any insight into the short-term/long-term situation, please share.

A First For Me

This week I will do what I've never done before: go on three dates with three different guys. I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I'll enjoy the popularity while I have it.

I've already mentioned Aiden, the one who seems really great but lives a fair distance from me. We've plans to go out tomorrow night. Then there's Tom, who IMed me on Friday night while I was waiting to hear from Aiden. I was bored and he seemed nice enough, so we started chatting. After three hours—yeah, I know that's a long time—we had decided to go out the next day. We had lunch and went for a hike out on the coast and had a pretty good time. I liked him well enough, but I think he'd be a much better friend for me than a boyfriend. More on that another time.

I finally got an e-mail from Aiden saying that he'd call last night, only I missed his call. When I called him back, I had to leave a message. While I waited for him to call me again, I logged on to the dating site and looked at one new profile. That guy, Paul, looked at mine and IMed. Two hours go by and we're set to go out on Friday. Meanwhile, Aiden hasn't called.

The thing is that of the three, Aiden is definitely the one in whom I'm most interested. He's smart, charming, funny, and into world affairs (something Henry was not). Oh, and he's pretty good-looking to boot. The distance is the biggest obstacle, and I guess the one that makes me feel OK about going out with these other guys.

A Date with Nate

As I mentioned in my last post, I went on a date on Friday night. The previous weekend I'd received a message from a guy I'll call Nate with the subject line "Long shot." He wrote saying that he had received a pair of symphony tickets and figured, based on my profile, that I might be interested. I was. I rather like going to the symphony.

However, I had a minor thing to work through first: did I want to go out with someone who says he "sometimes" does drugs on his profile? After some thinking (and consultation with my dear friend Superquail) I decided to go for it. He didn't seem like the kind of person who would show up to a symphony date high, nor did he seem like someone who was deep into drug culture, so I figured it wouldn't be an issue. It wasn't. Plus, I didn't really see Nate as someone that I would want to date long-term; if he was, then we could talk about it.

All in all, the date was fine. We met for dinner before heading over to the symphony. It turns out that he's never been to the symphony, at least not as an adult. His dad (who does not live in the area) bought him the tickets (orchestra section!) so as to try to get him to be more cultured (or so Nate supposed). Nice dad.

Nate was a nice enough guy, but I doubt I'll see him again. We'd talked about board games during dinner, and at the end of the date he said I should call him if I was ever going to a board game meet-up; I might, but I might not. What was good was that I went on a four hour date and barely thought about Henry at all. Onwards!

Henry's gone

As some of you know, my relationship with Henry ended about three weeks ago. At seven and a half months, it was by far the longest relationship either of us had ever had. It was a sad break-up. He broke up with me, but I don't think it gave him any great joy to do it. We'd grown really close over those months and it was like breaking up with your best friend. He felt that we were drifting apart and that there wasn't anything we could do about it. On a good day, I find myself agreeing with him—there were a number of things we each wanted to do/were interested in that the other just couldn't muster any enthusiasm for and then there was the issue of time. I had oodles of it, not having been employed since June. He had much less, given that he spends two hours commuting plus eight hours at work. My eagerness to spend most or all of his free time with him became a strain and, even though I started to realize it in the last month of the relationship, neither of us said anything, so we allowed the stress to go unchecked.

I know that we're not going to get back together, but I also know that he's not looking for anyone new right now, and I find a lot of comfort in that. We're both still on the dating site, and we've both switched back to "single;" however, he told me last week (when I went over to his place to pick up my stuff) that he's just doing his thing and enjoying having the free time to do all of those things I never cared about (like brewing beer, experimenting with cooking meat, and programming projects galore).

I'm having a lot harder of a time, what with all of my free hours to sit around and get stuck in my thoughts. I've acknowledged that I was exceedingly lonely before I met Henry, and that I'm lonely all over again. I'm trying to find my single-girl footing, but I've realized that the things I was doing to fill all my time before (especially in the evenings) don't really appeal to me now. I'm just going to have to find new things, which is going to be hard, but necessary.

That all said, I was having dinner with my roommate and a friend the other night, when I decided that I really needed a laugh. I went to one of the best places for a laugh (which had somehow come up in conversation), Craigslist personals, and found some real gems. I'll be posting those in the next few days. I don't plan on looking seriously anytime in the next month or two (at least), but if someone finds me, we'll see.

Hiatus

Things with Henry are going really well. As such, this blog will be on hiatus until further notice.

Thanks for reading!

Cyanide and Happiness

Henry and I have been e-mailing a lot in the lead up to our date tomorrow, and we've spent a good deal of time sharing things we think the other person should know about. From him, I received links to a web comic called Cyanide and Happiness. I'd never heard of it before, so I checked it out. There are many funny ones, but here was one I though had a little bit of correlation to this blog. If I had to guess, I bet there are a fair amount of people in the online dating world who, at some point or another, wish there was an easier way to find someone. I just hope they never get to this point:


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

So tomorrow Henry and I are going to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant and then on to a Slavic women's circus. At this point, we have quite a long list of other dates to go on, so I think there's a pretty good chance that I'll make it to date four. I haven't been on a fourth date with someone in a very long time.

Second date with Henry

The second date with Henry was wonderful. We joined a group of about 20 people for board games at a nearby cafe and played five or six different games over three and a half hours. He'd been twice before, so he knew a few of the people but we each met lots of new people. I would definitely go back again because it's a great way to try out lots of new games. 

Afterwards, we dropped our games back at my apartment and then walked over to the most fabulous little pizza place (it's truly tiny—four tables and four seats at the bar) and shared delicious pizza and a slice of goat cheese kumquat tart. If that sounds odd, trust me when I say it was amazingly good (and I even passed up on the flour-less chocolate cake for it). We stuck around and talked for a while—amazingly no one needed our table—before going back to my apartment. 

We watched "Once," which is a truly great movie with a spectacular soundtrack (if you haven't seen it, get it now) and lots of unresolved sexual tension. Let's just say that he stayed for another three hours after the movie ended and I finally had to send him home so we could both get a little sleep before work today.

I caused a bit of trouble this morning however, when I sent him an e-mail that was supposed to be flirty and facetious but was taken seriously by Henry. I quickly responded with a clarifying e-mail, so hopefully all is well there. Regardless, we've already decided to go out again Friday. We don't have any plans for the date yet, but I'm happy just to spend some more time with him whatever we end up doing. 

So far, so good. I'm happy and hopeful and I can't wait for Friday.

What a difference a year makes

For those of you who've been reading my blog since the beginning, it may be hard to believe that it was a year ago this week that I had my intense IM relationship with the guy who seemed absolutely great (Ian)—until he disappeared. It's difficult for me to imagine that I'd ever make that mistake again. For one, there are better things to do than waste one's entire week of vacation IMing with one person, no matter how cool he may be. For another, well, there were so many warning signs. So anyway, I feel that I've learned a lot since then and am trying to be much more rational about this whole online dating thing.

As for the Henry/Adam situation, I've not heard anything more from Adam since Monday; I am however going to be seeing Henry again this weekend. He invited me to go with him to a nearby cafe for a board games group. Nerdy? Perhaps. Right up my alley? Totally. I'm really excited about this. Oh, and from the "it's a small world" files: one of you, a friend of mine from college, actually knows Henry from high school. I discovered this through the wonder that is Facebook. Sing it with me: "It's a small world after all, it's a small world afterall…"

What if you should decide…

…that you don't want me there by your side,
that you don't want me there in your life?
(Coldplay, "What If")

The date with Henry went really well, I think. We had dinner at an awesome South Indian place (lots of nice ambiance, lots of delicious food for your money) and then walked over to a funky little cafe that has live music every night. Last night, as it is every Sunday, was classical music. Henry's a classically trained singer—he even did a masters in voice—and spent some of his childhood playing various brass instruments, so he got just as much, if not more out of the concert than I did. It was nice to be with someone with whom I could have an awesome conversation but who also shares my love of music. Music is such a central part of my life that I find it hard to imagine a relationship could last if the guy in my life didn't appreciate it as I do.

So now I'm waiting. I messaged him and I was the one to ask him on the date, so now I feel as though I should give him a chance to message or call me. I got the impression that he had as good of a time as I did, so I'm hoping he'd be up for a second date. Even if a relationship doesn't come out of this, I really would like to have him as a friend. He's that neat and I'll be disappointed if he doesn't feel the same way.

Therefore, I'm a bit confused about the fact that before I messaged Henry, I'd IMed with a guy I'll call Adam. I originally messaged Adam to correct something on his profile, but didn't expect anything to come of it. Instead, we IMed for over an hour and I ended up with his phone number. He doesn't live in the city, and the one day he was going to be here that week was the one day I already had plans, so we'd agreed that I'd call him in a few days and that we'd go from there. To make a long story a teeny bit shorter, I didn't call him because I wasn't feeling well (I told him as much) and then kind of forgot about him as I planned my date with Henry. He just IMed me. He asked if I was feeling better, we exchanged pleasantries about the weekend, and then he said he'd call me this week.

This is why, when last year I was faced with the option of chatting with two different guys during the same week, I decided I couldn't do it. It's too confusing—emotionally, logistically, etc. I really want to see how this thing works out with Henry, but Adam seems cool too. I never thought I'd be in this position—don't get me wrong, it is flattering—and I just don't really know what to do about it. Advice? Words of wisdom?

I want to ride my bicycle

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

I'm just totally and completely scared to ride on the streets of San Francisco. I learned to ride when I was little, but I only rode at the local middle school playground—which was FLAT and devoid of moving vehicles. Thanks to Ily, I've regained a little of my biking know-how, but I'm still afraid to ride on the city streets (even in my relatively quiet and flat neighborhood).

The thing is, in San Francisco, everyone my age seems comfortable on a bike. Lots of guys specifically mention on their online profiles (if not even in their usernames) that they like to ride their bikes and would be interested in going on bike rides around the city with a girl on a date. In theory, this sounds like a lot of fun; however, it's actually terrifying until I become comfortable on a bike. My romantic side hopes that I'll find someone who'll be willing to help me overcome my fear of bike-riding.

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but the other day the SF Chronicle actually ran a story about this called "Low-carbon dating: Biking gets hearts racing." Here's the lede:

Two-wheeled but single? Luckily there are hundreds of others like you with whom you already have something in common. Or perhaps you're already paired up and are seeking an active, outdoorsy way to spend Valentine's Day weekend. Well, pump up your heart and your tires, because the bicycle is a date-getting, date-going machine.

Someday…

P.S. I am going out with Henry tonight. I'll update tomorrow.

Could I become a bar fly?

It's really interesting how my dislike of alcohol and, thus, my general disinterest in bars and clubs, has made it quite difficult to find and meet single men. Sure there are lots of other ways to meet people, but meeting new people at bars seems like something most twenty-somethings are good at. Therefore, I would like to announce that I've found a bar that I actually like. It's got half hour pizzas at happy hour (and they're really good too), nice staff, a good location, cool art on the walls, and lots of good places to hang out with friends or sit by oneself and read a book. I've been with co-workers twice, but yesterday I decided to go over on my own with a book, have some pizza, and just enjoy being somewhere other than my apartment. I plan to make this a regular Friday thing. It's a really nice way to unwind after a long week.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, you see, after an hour and a half or so of sitting there at the bar with my book, pizza, and non-alcoholic beverage, a guy sits down next to me. He doesn't look out of place, but it seemed like maybe he hadn't been there before. The waitress gave him a food menu and explained that the pizzas were half-price. I decided to go for it: I turned to him and made a pizza recommendation. We ended up talking for two hours.

Now, I'd like to point out that while it was flattering to have his attention, I don't think I'd really want to date this guy (let's call him James). Here are my reasons (and don't hesitate to comment and let me know if I'm being too petty):
- He's 38 (he told me about having recently been to his 20-year high school reunion).
- He's the father of a four year-old boy. There was no ring, so I'm guessing divorce, but I didn't ask.
- James drank about five glasses of Stella and had just started on his second bottle of Bud Light by the time I left (7 beers in 2 hours? Isn't that a lot?)
- He spends most of the week in San Jose, but comes up to San Francisco regularly. However, he travels for work A LOT
- James doesn't care about current events. We had a chat about this and we both agreed that the mainstream media is too full of depressing stories about violent deaths, wars, and the recession; however, we disagreed in that I still am a regular consumer of news, just from other sources.
- Going along with my previous point, I felt smarter than him, by quite a lot. I'm not sure if I could enjoy being with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal.

In the end, I gave him my card, mostly so I could pass along my Yelp reviews (he'd never heard of Yelp) since he seemed desperately in need of knowledge about where to go and what to do when he's in San Francisco. He asked me if he could call me and I said I prefer e-mail. We'll see. I'm not sure whether I would actually want to see him again. However, it was nice to have this kind of interaction. Perhaps next time it'll be with someone I definitely do want to see again.

Back to the online world for now. I'm probably going on a date tomorrow night with a guy from the dating site (he'll be Henry). We're both classical music fans and there's a cafe that has free classical music on Sunday nights that I've been meaning to check out for a while. I told him about it and he thought it sounded good. Henry gave me his number and I'm to call him to set up the date. I'll let you know how that goes.

Finally, because this post is already long, I'm going to make it a little longer by sharing with you this tidbit from Craigslist:

DATE ME NOW - 25

Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll hear if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!