Friday, December 19, 2008

Perhaps I should pay someone

to write my online profile… just joking. There's no way I'd a) shell out money for such a service, or b) feel comfortable letting a stranger write about me. However, the last two times I've written about the difficulty of writing a profile or ad, I've gotten a comment from someone (the same person both times) who had directed me to his profile-writing service. A quick Google search of "write my online profile" turned up oodles of results (including that guy's website), and it makes me wonder how many people actually farm out the profile-writing process.

I did read one profile that was aware of this phenomenon, perhaps overly and obnoxiously so; however, I find it amusing enough to post here:

You think it's so easy, writing some sort of description of yourself that is clever and witty. Well, I've got news for you, smarty pants, it's not. That's why I outsourced it. Yes, this paragraph is not actually written by me, but rather by paid professionals. I've assembled a crack team of Ivy League graduates who have recently realized their student loans need to be repaid and that the ability to quote every notable Simpsons line combined with a degree in European History doesn't get you far in the real world. Their work has been carefully examined by psychologists and usability experts, tested on a sample group of volunteers to measure their response, and continually refined to obtain the best performance one can expect from such a composition. Ultimately, their magnum opus stands before you, a monument to my inspiring awesomeness.

We're going to try to avoid the usual cliches. Wait, no, we're going to take a detour for a bit. This is addressed to a special section of the populace, you know who you are. You're the one whose profile includes the sentence "I like to have fun." Seriously, if you're reading this, please, please write me an email. I would love to know who you think doesn't like to have fun. I honestly want to know. I promise I won't make fun of your inability to classify yourself more specifically than to acknowledge that you are pleased by things that you consider enjoyable. I personally enjoy safety, food, and shelter, with the occasional love and self actualization.

Wow, that tangent got a little bitter at the end, don't you think? Here, have a Lifesaver, it'll get the taste out. C'mon, it's Wint-o-Green. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, global conquest, and so on. I'll leave those for my other profile. Y'know, the one where I pretend I'm a lawyer / doctor and have a picture of myself riding a bicycle built for two at sunset on the beach (if only I had someone to fill the other seat... *sigh*). If you have some time later, you should really check that one out. Your mom would love it if you were dating a doctor-lawyer. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, the non-cliched me. I do my thing, I'm happy, life's good. The rest is just details.

So, there you have it. In summation, you know nothing more now than you did when you started reading. What a ripoff. If I were you, I would totally demand my money back. Well, you can't have it. Someone has to pay the writers. Listen, if it were up to me, I would love to help you out, but there's union rules, nothing I can do. Was that last sentence just flagrant comma abuse? I think it was. We had best wrap up before it happens again. (StuntPants)


Ily said...

Great, and I thought writing people's profiles was an original business idea!

Superquail said...

That started out interesting, but it faded into drivel by the end. It's true that when asked to describe oneself it feels pretty much impossible. It's like writing a "statement of purpose" for a graduate school application.

Since it is so much easier to write about other people than it is to write about yourself, getting someone else to write your profile actual does sort of make sense. How you see yourself and how other people see don't always match up.

If I were to write a profile for you I would write:

I'm a K-bird! I'm hard-working, responsible and really interested in world travel. I have been to Australia and I spent a lot of time taking pictures of vegetables. I find them aesthetically pleasing.

I was a stage manager at my college theater. This means I have had to put up with a lot of bullshit without losing my temper. Getting actors, directors, costume designers, and lighting techs to all work together is nothing short of a miracle. Doing so without losing my sanity basically proves my awesomeness.

In terms of guys, I don't go for losers. I don't want a guy who thinks that farting is a sport, or who honestly believes that he is a more interesting person just because he smokes pot. As a form of rebellion its been done ad nauseum, so unless you have cancer, get a real hobby.

Katie said...

That is an amazing profile, Superquail. If it weren't illegal to have two profiles on the same dating site, I would totally start another profile and post your writing and see what kind of responses I got.

Superquail said...

I could go on if you'd like. :)