Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Lessons learned this year

In June I shared five lessons that I'd learned in the first six months of online dating. You can read them here, but I'll summarize them below before adding a few more to the list.

1. No profile picture/one picture = bad sign
2. Less than 65% match = probably not worth it
3. Introverts are often attracted to introverts; therefore, one of them is going to have to be a bit extroverted long enough to message the other.
4. Leaving one's instant messenger open at night = craziness
5. Editing online profiles often = more profile views and messages

Now for the more recently learned messages:

1. Poor spelling does not an idiot make. I will qualify this by saying that if someone writes like Nelly sings, he's really not my type; however, I have had some serious lessons in dyslexia at work over the last few months, and they have given me a new understanding of the way spelling correlates (or doesn't, really) to intelligence. Yes, there is definitely spell check, but if one is not even sure how to spell a word, spell check may be worthless.

2. As Ily stated incredibly well on her blog, Asexy Beast, it is so easy to read a profile and then automatically try to place that person into a category (i.e., hipster, frat boy, trust-fund baby, etc.). This is like trying to place someone on the Mean Girls high school cafeteria map, only for adults, and that really isn't that much of a difference. Just because I don't have a "scene" doesn't mean I should be OK with discriminating against someone who obviously does.

3. (This lesson probably should have been quite obvious, had I given it more than a minute's thought, but…) people who match really well, may be too perfect. While I don't believe that opposites attract in the sense that a greasy gamer and a preppy princess are going to suddenly fall madly in love, I have come to realize that, say, having different general tastes in music—while still maintaining a bit overlap—is a good thing. Great, so we both like Bajofondo and we can go to a show together, but then what?

4. It's worth taking a chance, provided it's a safe one. I mentioned last week that a guy from out of town had messaged me and asked if I might like to hang out with him while he was in my area for the week. Had he just left it at that, I might not have said yes; however, he indicated that it was highly likely he'd be moving up here soon. I thought about it for a few days, but I e-mailed him back and said I'd like to meet him. I'll write more on this later, but let's just say that I'm quite glad I met him.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

One Year

Last night, when I was returning home from Christmas with my parents, I was struck by how fast the year has gone by. It seems like it was just a few months ago that I did the same holiday lights tour through the city and it's hard to believe that was actually a full year ago.

It was also one year ago that I officially joined the dating site. I joined it on a whim—I was sick with a bad cold, lonely, and on vacation and I figured I had nothing to lose by joining it. So, in a list of numbers, I present a recap of my year of online dating:

6: Guys I met in person
5: Guys I met in person as a "date"
1: Guys I met in person as a friend

3: Personal ads to which I responded on Craigslist
2: Responses and subsequent e-mail exchanges from said people on Craigslist
0: Dates resulting from Craigslist ads

321: People I rejected on the dating site
50+: People I rejected on the dating site solely because of their horrible username

110: Posts on this blog

So this is part one of the anniversary post. I'm going to aim to write the "lessons learned" post tomorrow.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Irrational Fear of Possums

Aack! I can't believe I've not posted for four days. It's not the greatest excuse, but I've been going back and forth between my place and my parents' and my routines (including posting to this blog) have been obliterated.

Anyways, I heard last week from a guy (yet another guy whose name starts with D) who lives far away, but grew up in the area and is trying to move back here. He wondered if I might be up for hanging out while he was in town for the holidays. After much hemming and hawing and consultation of friends, I decided to go ahead and e-mail him back. In the last week we've exchanged numerous messages and he seems cool. At this point, friendly-cool, but I'll take that. We're going to meet on Saturday for chai and board games at a favorite cafe of mine. I feel like there's nothing to lose, so hopefully I'll only gain from the experience.

Tomorrow is my one-year anniversary of online dating, so I'll be writing a big post about that. Until then, check this out:

"I'm going to do this as a series of random thoughts- I have no appendix…I am enamored with my own abdominal muscles…I have extensively modified my epidermis…I think White Castle cheeseburgers are quite possible the greatest food in existance…I have an irrational fear of possums…I like anything stereotypically punk-rock (ie. cheap beer, loud/fast music, women with excessive eyeliner, etc.)…I am a huge nerd, and hence, love nerdy chicks…" (Witsch-Boy)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Where are all the nerds?

This lovely dating-site journal entry comes from katastrofei:

Why are there no nerds? WHY? Seems like Portland collected them all in a tight, hipster bundle and possesses them like a jealous mistress. Ironic, that. Might be the only mistress we ever have.

Seriously though: I want to play some frakkin Magic, roll some ridiculously sided dice and relax to the bips and beeps of a video game symphony. LA had a distinct poverty of qualified nerds, and in San Francisco, it seems, they all hide in the East Bay. Guess I need to buy myself a BART pass and haul dice.

On the other hand, I could just play on the trapeze. That I now posses. In my loft....but I'd rather play Apples to Apples.

A trapeze-swinging, Apples-to-Apples-playing, dice-rolling, video-game-playing hipster… hmm.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Perhaps I should pay someone

to write my online profile… just joking. There's no way I'd a) shell out money for such a service, or b) feel comfortable letting a stranger write about me. However, the last two times I've written about the difficulty of writing a profile or ad, I've gotten a comment from someone (the same person both times) who had directed me to his profile-writing service. A quick Google search of "write my online profile" turned up oodles of results (including that guy's website), and it makes me wonder how many people actually farm out the profile-writing process.

I did read one profile that was aware of this phenomenon, perhaps overly and obnoxiously so; however, I find it amusing enough to post here:

You think it's so easy, writing some sort of description of yourself that is clever and witty. Well, I've got news for you, smarty pants, it's not. That's why I outsourced it. Yes, this paragraph is not actually written by me, but rather by paid professionals. I've assembled a crack team of Ivy League graduates who have recently realized their student loans need to be repaid and that the ability to quote every notable Simpsons line combined with a degree in European History doesn't get you far in the real world. Their work has been carefully examined by psychologists and usability experts, tested on a sample group of volunteers to measure their response, and continually refined to obtain the best performance one can expect from such a composition. Ultimately, their magnum opus stands before you, a monument to my inspiring awesomeness.

We're going to try to avoid the usual cliches. Wait, no, we're going to take a detour for a bit. This is addressed to a special section of the populace, you know who you are. You're the one whose profile includes the sentence "I like to have fun." Seriously, if you're reading this, please, please write me an email. I would love to know who you think doesn't like to have fun. I honestly want to know. I promise I won't make fun of your inability to classify yourself more specifically than to acknowledge that you are pleased by things that you consider enjoyable. I personally enjoy safety, food, and shelter, with the occasional love and self actualization.

Wow, that tangent got a little bitter at the end, don't you think? Here, have a Lifesaver, it'll get the taste out. C'mon, it's Wint-o-Green. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, global conquest, and so on. I'll leave those for my other profile. Y'know, the one where I pretend I'm a lawyer / doctor and have a picture of myself riding a bicycle built for two at sunset on the beach (if only I had someone to fill the other seat... *sigh*). If you have some time later, you should really check that one out. Your mom would love it if you were dating a doctor-lawyer. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, the non-cliched me. I do my thing, I'm happy, life's good. The rest is just details.

So, there you have it. In summation, you know nothing more now than you did when you started reading. What a ripoff. If I were you, I would totally demand my money back. Well, you can't have it. Someone has to pay the writers. Listen, if it were up to me, I would love to help you out, but there's union rules, nothing I can do. Was that last sentence just flagrant comma abuse? I think it was. We had best wrap up before it happens again. (StuntPants)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Honestly, I'm a bum.

As I have said before, writing a good online profile or ad is really pretty hard. One wants to draw others in with wit/humor, intelligence (in whatever degree one thinks others will find attractive), and enough personal details to give readers a sense of who one really is.

So, that said, a lot of people seem to have trouble with this.

Example #1 (For the dating site prompt "What I'm Doing With My Life"):
Honestly, I'm a bum. I might look all legit since I have a job, car, steady paycheck, health insurance, haircut, selection of fine wines, penchant for art deco furniture, and unwavering balance, but still just a bum.

Example #2 (A self-summary I sure hope has been re-written since this user first joined the site):
Just moved to the bay area from Georgia originally from so cal was in ga for school im deathly afraid of clowns (seriously) my name is johanan but most people call me joe, mutt, or clown boy i hate snakes but want to buy a baby boa i love surfing, skating, snowboarding, and wakeboarding i play video games (sometimes, its not my life) im a book worm. id rather read books then watch movies i hate cell phones and would live completely without one but its necessary to have i love sushi…

Example #3 (Another self-summary):
6" defines me darkness all over this one but still shines under pale skin headstands are my usual every other day routine alternate states are in favorites without taking it, risks are worthless so is life without risks i am brave and vulnerable but that makes me stronger i am sensitive cause i am smart i can feel everything but feelings are all relative

I really like tall guys; HOWEVER I really don't feel comfortable with tall guys who don't realize that " stands for inches, not feet.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

WTF, Craigslist?

Here's a collection of, um, interesting Craigslist subject lines and posts.


A volatile mix of libido, despair, sarcasm, angst, hunger, naivety and farce, sharp as a razor, in the shape of attractive tall white male specimen seeks slippery sleek catalyst for frequent controlled combustions.

Looking for a temporary escapee from Munch's Scream to noodle with around the city and feed SSRIs to pigeons.

Tall fit overeducated professional cynic is looking for mildly deranged & quite clever sexy girl for fooling around (tm). Uncontrollable libido and ability to simultaneously discuss modern theatre are definite plusses. Aliens welcome.

If this last subject line doesn't make any sense to you, go back to French class and remember that "poisson" means "fish." Then, look up "gaussian distribution." Dirty—too dirty for me, I think. However, I'm not sure I'd mind if I stumbled upon a young Ira Glass…

Monday, December 15, 2008

Attention Shoppers…

Does this guy sound like a spaz or is it just me?


Generally speaking, the townspeople do not chase me with torches; I dont make children cry and animals like me. Phew! Aren't you relieved?
My basic stats? 6ft and 175lbs, black hair and brown eyes. I take care of myself. I'm 28. I like to joke, laugh and be silly. I'm pretty optimistic and I enjoy meeting people. The zoo? I like the zoo…I like the museum too…I like a lot of things…outdoors and indoors. Oh, and I've been known to go out on a school night, oh my!
You? Height/weight proportional and you want to have some fun, laugh and joke and enjoy life…spontaneity, passion are a must. So what are you waiting for? Your pic gets mine

Oh Craigslist, you never cease to amaze!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

An unnatural love of bacon

Velcro4's going to be out of town for the holidays, so the chances of losing momentum and never going on a date are quite high. If there's one thing that I've learned in this year of online dating, it's that optimism only goes so far.

For today's oddity, I've chosen a bit from JimClak's profile:

"I really don't like filling these things out. Let's see, I drink much more coffee than is healthy, I smoke an amazing amount of cigarettes per day, and I have an unnatural love of bacon. I also studied holistic health for a year."

I never understand people like this: they've studied health, and yet their lives are anything but healthy. Can anyone explain this to me?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Patience is a virtue…

Virtue is a grace,
Grace is a little girl who doesn't wash her face.

So goes the rhyme I learned at some point in childhood and have delighted in ever since…

I'm being terribly patient with velcro4. He's a grad student, in the last year of his Ph.D program, and as such, he's super busy preparing for a big conference presentation this week. I really would like to meet him, so I'm going to wait until he's got time on his hands again and see if he's up for a date.

Until then, I'm continuing to peruse the dating site and Craigslist, the latter of which offered up this crazy ad earlier in the week:


Hey ladies, I just realized how long it's been since I was last involved in a relationship and I'm really dying to get with someone who's down to earth and willing to date an actual crab. Yes, yes, I am literally a crab. Thick exoskeleton, chelae claws, a propensity for rocks. It's not easy finding love as a crustacean, let me tell you!

I really just want a casual relationship with someone. We can get to know each other through a few e-mails. Exchange pics. Maybe go on a few romantic hikes along the coast a little down the line. Who knows what'll happen! You just might be the one that'll lock abdomens with me in a pre-mating embrace, lasting many days, before you finally molt and then YOU KNOW WHAT! LOLL!! JK JK JK!!

Anyways, I'm 24cm, purple-ish, recently molted. I don't like cats. LOVE DOGS!!! That's my Kilulu in the pic below. She loves new people and she LOVES TO PLAY!

You: Human

Thanks! Look forward to e-mails!

Believe it or not, the post did include a picture of a purple crab. I really wonder if this person got any positive responses to this ad. It's just so weird.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Online Dating Fail

Failblog had this gem the other day.

In other news, I asked velcro4 out for coffee. We've e-mailed a few times now, and I'm going to be in his neck of the woods next weekend, so I figured it was worth a shot. We'll see…

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My 100th Post

I was going to post something horribly trivial, but when I realized that this one was going to be post number 100, I figured I ought to write something a tad more meaningful. I'm going to save the wrap-up of my year of online dating for December 26, as that is my official online-dating anniversary, but I will offer a reflection on being single during the holidays.

Holiday parties, family gatherings, and wintertime activities are full of opportunities to do something with a significant other. When one is single, one can, of course, go to or do one of these things by oneself, but it takes a lot of confidence. Questions like, "Oh, who'd you come with?" or "One pair of skates or two" can be frustrating for a single person, because as much as one would like to say, "My boyfriend X" or "Two pairs, please," those responses are impossible. While most will be supportive, some will show pity.

Spare me the pity please. If I'm at your event, offer to introduce me to someone new (and single) or talk to me about anything other than your date/partner/spouse. If you've got a moment free in your holiday schedule, offer to go on a friendly date with me or another single friend of yours. There's nothing like this time of year to make single people feel like we shouldn't intrude on our coupled friends, since they've probably got two (or more) sets of family members to be with.

However, all of this isn't to say that I won't be looking for a special person with whom to spend what's left of the holiday season. I might, if I'm feeling particularly outgoing, use some of the tips given by Wayne Elise (founder of social coaching company Charisma Arts) in an article in today's SF Chronicle to try to secure a "holidate." If all else fails—and I'm feeling really desperate (which, hopefully, will not happen)—I can always go to Craigslist where there's a plethora of men looking for dates for their company holiday party…

Finally, I'll leave you with a bit of thoughtfulness (with a dash of zany), as written by a random user on the dating site last night:

Identity is such a slippery thing. Bhuddists would say that our personas are an illusion and that we are all part of the same cosmic fabric, the universe pretending to be people. I really like this idea...I also like curly fries!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Oh Craigslist, how I love thee…

I found this ad on Friday night. Wow. Just wow.

I <3 monster chicks - 26 First of all, this post is real. I don't remember the name, but I saw an old movie where a priest consummated with a demon and gave rise to a scary, infernal, and totally awesome kid. I believe in magic the gathering, the unseen, fairy tales, and the supernatural; and I believe in you, girl. I'm a sam, Asian, and you're an smf, sdf, or whatever you call yourself. Skin of crimson, skin of onyx, horns, fangs, wings, venom, or flame - any or all of your charms figure skate across the surface of our attraction. Maybe you drink blood. Maybe you eat people. I'm okay with that. I drink water. I eat plants. Our meals together see the most interesting of table fare. Whether you live in SF or literally have hellish commutes, we can hang out here, there, or anywhere - the beauty is that amusement and novelty spring up wherever we're together. Although it would be rad to have a demon jr. running around, neither you nor I are rash to skip the swanboat ride and hurtle straight into the tunnel of love. We'll initially just see how we click. Perhaps by late winter we'll be strolling the fields, baskets in our arms, unearthing poisonous toads for you to turn into potions. As our companionship warms up to the Bay Area summer, you may save me from a shark by ripping it apart with your talons. I have several degrees. You have about 800, in your scorching breath. I walk and see people on Powell. You stalk and leave people disemboweled. Our blend of personalities scrawls out sheet music for the diabolical symphony that we clang and crash throughout SF.

hand for claw, pic for pic

Sunday, December 7, 2008


I may not always hear back from the guys I message, but at least I don't have the following problem, which was posted by a user on the dating site recently:

"What in the hell?

Okay… This is a new one from [dating site]… And i guess it's a testiment to just how unpopular i am on here… But i officially have a number over my little mailbox reading '-1'. That's right. I'm negative messages."

I really feel for the guy. That's just really sad. I hope, for his sake, that the dating site was quick to fix the problem.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

It's me! Every guy you've ever dated!

I've not had much luck with Craigslist, which is to say that though I've exchanged a few e-mails with both guys I've "met" from there, I've never gone on a date from Craigslist. However, it continues to be a great source of amusement so I keep looking. Earlier in the week, I found this wonderfully written post. You really have to read it all the way through, so stick with it. I think it's worth it though, and I'll probably message him tomorrow.

"Hello! Its me! You know, the guy from last weekend! Its nice to talk to you again. I’m sorry my picture on the eHarmony ad was four years out of date, but I’m roughly the same weight I was then, give or take 15 pounds and a beard, so no worries. Also, I’m sorry I’m twenty minutes late for our date. My car wouldn’t start because I haven’t changed the oil in 12,000 miles or even checked it once for that matter, so I had to take MUNI over to your place. I’ll let you know, there were some stinky people on that bus! I think some of that funk rubbed off on me, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t changed my boxer shorts in a week, one of the two I guess. I never come to the Mission, so it took me awhile to figure out which bus to take. Is it me or does Valencia Street seem like a totally different city than the Marina? Must be all the brown people everywhere.


How are you? I was thinking we could go to a cheap restaurant somewhere within two blocks of here, because I’m sure that you know all the good places around here and you’re not tired of any of them. If we were in my neighborhood I would totally take you to Left At Albuquerque, because that place rocks! They have all the games on TV and giant beers, plus the food is vaguely ethnic, yet non-threatening. I hate having my horizons expanded! Oh, you’re still not ready yet? That’s okay. I’ll sit here in your front room and pester your incredibly gay roommate with questions about football while you do whatever weird chick stuff you ladies do. Then I’ll be quietly shocked when you roommie tells me that he doesn’t like football. I should’ve guessed. The fact that he’s knitting while watching the Real Housewives of the OC might have been a good clue, but there you go! SF is totally different than Newport Beach, that’s for sure!

Sweet! You’re ready to go. So, you still want to get dinner or just go get shitfaced at some bar? Oh really, dinner? Okay, I can do that. So, uh, where do you want to go? Ethiopian food? What’s that, a big plate of nothing? Ha ha ha! Hey, why aren’t you laughing? Okay, okay, we’ll get Ethiopian food. Its like Chinese right?

Wow. That was the craziest meal ever, I mean, I was half expecting to be swatting flies off my face the whole time! Wow, still no laughing, huh? I’ll guess I’ll have to just quit on the whole starvation jokes. Soooooooo, still ready for some drinks? Great! Just one thing, I can’t go to one of those weird hipster/emo Mission bars okay? Wait! Don’t get upset. Let me put it this way: I just feel more comfortable surrounded by striped shirts, okay? No, I’m not saying I’d rather be in prison in the 1920’s. Stop laughing. Seriously, now you can’t stop laughing, but when I started making fun of famine plagued East Africans all I heard was crickets. Wait, what? Of course I like punk music! 311 is the best band of all time! Those guys totally rock. Okay, we’ll go to punk night at Delirium. I usually only go to North Beach or Union Street, so this should be fun.

I’m still waiting for the DJ to play some 311, I even went and asked her if she could play some, but she just looked at me. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think she’s into me or something, because I saw her talking to her friend and then pointing at me and smiling. Guess its my new haircut. I paid ninety-five-fuckin-dollars for this sweet haircut, and I know the chicks can’t get enough of…hey!....where’d you go? I just went to the bar to get you another PBR and a jagerbomb for myself and you took off? Damn, that sucks. Good thing I’ve got plenty of time to get back to the North Star and meet up with my boys. I didn’t put this much gel in my hair to not get laid tonight…

On a serious note ladies, if that sounds like a typical date for you, then you’ve been missing out. There are plenty of nice, intelligent, well read, well traveled gentlemen out there just waiting to meet a nice girl. I know, because I’m one of them. I’m a 30 year old guy with a good job, stable living situation, (fairly) normal family, no wife/girlfriend, healthy, blah blah blah. I’ve lived abroad for years at a time, speak Spanish fluently and can swear proficiently and/or order a beer in another 10 languages, and I read an average of a book and a half a week. I like baseball and football, but would rather be outside in the park on a sunny afternoon than cooped up in the house watching the game. I’m a decent cook, and a former bartender so I can whip up some mean blender drinks, if that’s your thing. I enjoy bike riding, getting out of town on the weekends to visit friends, coffee shops and Irish bars. Also, I’m 6’3 with green eyes and brown hair.

I do like to do some light boozing on the weekends, but that’s more of a social thing than anything else. I work M-F at a 9-5 for a local company that actually seems to value and respect its employees. I do have to go to work dinners a couple times a month, but those are fun and girlfriends are often invited. That’s me in a nutshell. Thanks for reading.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Being sick definitely makes one feel less attractive

If I hadn't been too tired to type, the cold that I got on Wednesday would have been enough to keep me from messaging/viewing profiles/posting here. The fact of the matter is, I feel gross and that makes me feel completely unattractive in every possible way. Who'd want to start dating a sniffling, coughing, sleepy girl who has gone without a shower for too long? No one.

Therefore, after not hearing back from Derek on Tuesday, I decided to message velcro4, a guy on the dating site who has interested me for a while. I might not have messaged, but he'd just looked at my profile, so I figured it was worth a shot. As I waited for a reply, I got this cold and I pretty much forgot about velcro4.

Then he responded last night. Hurrah! That said, I couldn't muster up enough energy to write him back until a few minutes ago. I have to say though, this is one of the best things about online dating. One can be horribly sick, but no one's the wiser. The guys sitting in front of their computers don't know that I'm subsisting on tea and cough drops. This, in comparison to meeting guys at a club/concert/bar/etc—I wouldn't be up to going to any of those places in this state.

I can say with complete certainty that no matter how good or bad I may feel about myself or whether or not his self summary is a parody, I will not be messaging Spiritof76:

"I am hella cool. Hella. Like, how much cooler can you get than online dating, right? I mean it's not like I need to be on the internet to meet ladies, obviously, I'm just really down with the information super highway, and want to do what I can to support electronic mass media. Go world wide web! I'm behind you all thew ay. So I'd really like to meet a gal who's shares my enthusiasm for technology. Also, I rock a yarmulka, which, as everyone knows, is about the coolest, hippest thing around…"

Monday, December 1, 2008

Wishful thinking

I think I did put Derek off. I've not heard from him since yesterday morning, but I've seen him online so I know he got my one line message this afternoon: "Still up for tomorrow?" Oh well.

In slightly more interesting and amusing news, NPR's "All Things Considered" did a couple of pieces on online dating today. Check them out here and here.

Finally, a bit of bizarre from the profile of simplenough:

You should message me if:
you're a homosexual black Jewish pre-op transwoman with poor eyesight. Erm… I think I just realized why no one messages me. :/
What I'm doing with my life:
I plan on opening a business in the area of "software entertainment" ('tis a euphamism lolz). I hunger for power. Mine is an evil laugh.

So you don't drink? Is that true?

Yes indeed, Derek, that's true.

Derek and I chatted yesterday morning and among the topics we touched on was food and drink. We're both foodies, but, sadly, I'm just not into alcohol. The smell (and thus the taste) is completely off-putting; however, this tends to make me an extremely cheap date.

Anyway, assuming I didn't put him off by my disinterest in drinking, I think we're on for tomorrow night.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Dark stranger from the dark-blue stream

I heard back from the Craigslist guy (let's call him Derek). He sent some pictures along with his response so now I know a bit more and it still seems good. We're going to try to get together this week. This will be my first date off of my particular dating site, which is kind of exciting. Wish me luck.

P.S. When I was trying to figure out what alias to give him, I decided to look up boys names that start with D. Here are a few interesting names I found, along with their origins and meetings.

• Darby (Irish, Scandinavian; free man, freedom, from the deer estate)
• Devon (Irish, Latin, Old English; poet, perfection, people of the deep valley)
• Digby (Old Norse; from the farm by the ditch)
• Doug (Gaelic, Irish; dark stranger from the dark-blue stream)
• Duane (Gaelic, Irish; dark one, swarthy)

Incidentally, the name I chose for it's normalcy, Derek, means 'gifted ruler of the people.'

Saturday, November 29, 2008

A love call, in limericks

I did e-mail the Craigslist guy, but I'm worried that I might have waited too long. *ily told me that the messages expire after a week, and it was only the seventh day, so hopefully he'll get it, but I'm not too hopeful.

Since there doesn't seem to be anyone new on the dating site that is worth my time, I went back over to Craigslist to see what I could find. There were a lot of the typical Friday night/early Saturday morning booty-call messages, but I did find the following post (from which you can finally be sure about where I live):

A love call, in limericks - 24

Love’s tough (somewhat more so than rhyming)
It can bankrupt you, nickling and diming
Still, I’m no misanthrope
And I’ve just got to hope
Against hope that I’ve got the right timing

I once locked my heart in the freezer
To stay there until I’m a geezer
But if some little gal
Should improve my morale
I’d first thaw it out; then I’d squeeze her

And though I may be a late-comer
I think it would not be a bummer
To take bike rides with me
Down to old GGP
In the cool Frisco winter, and summer

But if she should think me a hassle
(And heaven forbid this be facile)
I would work to perfect
My display of respect
Till she knew she was queen of the castle

And if her love started to dwindle
What would I do, her heart to rekindle?
Under stars bright and shiny
I’d fondle her heinie
And thus I would act out my swindle

And if things align, and we’re ready
(Though to think this far now would be heady)
We could write us a tome
Till the cattle come home
And yeah, I suppose we’d go steady


Yes, it's dumb to put limericks on Craigslist
But I'll fill up the mill when it begs grist
And I might be a dork
But if you care one quark
Let’s test out how it feels when our legs twist

Friday, November 28, 2008

aww shucks

"i just turned 36, so i guess i shouldnt be messaging you
but my screen says to contact 'Contact 5 new strangers'
and well, i picked you, now for a question, do you karaoke?

This was the rather amusing message I got yesterday. Even if he wasn't 36, I really don't think I could go for a guy who uses smiley faces in excess and is into karaoke.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

He was a perfect gentleman

but there was zero chemistry. Zero. That said, it was a nice excuse to get out, eat some good Japanese food, and see a movie with someone new. Plus, he gave me a ride home, which, given the weather, was quite nice.

He's interested in seeing the opera, so perhaps I'll go with him to the opera sometime, but otherwise, I think I'll move on to the Craigslist guy. I'm off to try to write a response worthy of his post…

Before I go though, here's an interesting view on life from Nate1112:

"Life is about to get entirely too boring in a few weeks, or possibly totally awesome; but surely not somewhere between the two. Getting a real job is going to be about as fun as cleaning up the bathroom floor after a toilet overflow. On the other hand sitting on a 40k a year job, yes I don't like to set high goals, could offer up the lifestyle of a king who rules a small country, especially living with roommates…"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I've Loved You So Long

Wally and I are going out tomorrow night, first for some food and then to see the new French movie that's the title of this post. I'd suggested seeing Slumdog Millionaire, but he'd already seen it and suggested I've Loved You So Long instead. I went and saw Slumdog last night—it's awesome, by the way, so go see it if it's playing near you—so at least we can discuss that if we get past the initial first date topics too quickly.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my previous post about the Craigslist guy. I'll probably message him, but I'm going to wait until after the date tomorrow to decide. I have a feeling that Wally will end up being another Culture Vulture friend and not a guy I end up actually dating, but we'll see.

I'll end this post with a self-summary from a guy to whom I will not be responding:

"6" defines me darkness all over this one but still shines under pale skin headstands are my usual every other day routine alternate states are in favorites without taking it, risks are worthless so is life without risks i am brave and vulnerable but that makes me stronger i am sensitive cause i am smart i can feel everything feelings are all relative…" (zziya)

Monday, November 24, 2008

Call me a hopeless romantic

but this Craigslist post really drew me in. What do you think? Should I message him?


I'm that boy on the train in the morning. You may notice me, I may notice you, OR if we are particularly adept we may notice one another yet make it so unobvious that the other party never even detected it. Thus diffusing an otherwise intense moment when someone wants to say something to a total stranger that, for one reason or another, picqued their interest but opts not to because lets face it its the early morning commute and the last thing she/he wants is to be "hit on". Perhaps thats true in general but perhaps thats NOT true in this particular case.

Perhaps that boy over there,that you took a quick peek at and then promptly looked away just as he gazed up,with americano (black, naturally) and book in hand, and headphones on who, despite the requisite groggyness cant help but sway to whatever it is that is moving him and setting gorgeous score to what would otherwise be a hellacious sardine can journey to the underground (is it Bach? Radiohead? Tribe Called Quest? Cat Power?) is the boy you've been pining after.

The one who can quicken your pulse and make you blush, drive you completely nuts and make your day, teach you things you never knew you were interested in and be taught things by you he had no idea he cared about.

He's bookish and awkward but the life of the party. Youre the only one who seems him cry, and its rare, but when it happens it happens with gravity and depth and you find it human and charming. He consumes art relentlessly. He just turned 30 and is beginning to finally get his act together though, it must be stated, he is still rough around the edges. Maybe you are too. He'll read entire passages from books aloud when the inspiration strikes and gets chills from live music.

It's all about being dynamic. Metal on the jukebox and $3 beers at a dive bar one day, martinis and the symphony the next. For the latter he will slap on a tie if you agree to pin your hair up and walk arm in arm with him. Maybe youll even wear elbow length silk gloves?

He works in advertising selling people shit they dont need and though he experiences the occasional twitch of moral dilemma, he exercises his brain daily and works with talented people and in the end digs what he does.

He's a poet but tells no one this. He's never sent anything out for publication because he, like most, is terrified of rejection.

Walking the line between sarcasm and sincerity, seriousness and ridiculousness, maturity and intermittent wrecklessness.

Cooking. Hes killer in the kitchen but again never says this. He wants to learn how to make sourdough bread from scratch but blows it each and every time.

Ideal night? Bill Evans lounge piano, copious amounts of wine, and cooking at home for his girl who, because it turns her on to see him turned on, may have just slipped into some 50's housewife dress she found at a thrift store and is doing something deliciously domestic like setting an adorable table and making sorbet for after dinner.

He falls for brainy, busty, bohemian types who have enough gas in their tank to paint the town red and enough zen to stay in with a book and nice lamp light. You call em like you see em and know how to give tough advice and shoulder rubs alike. You are intense yet demure and whisper inappropriate things in my ear at inappropriate times. You have drive and passion and are relentlessly in the pursuit of better versions of whatever is the currently best version. We sleep in on sundays and makeout and have mimosa fueled brunches and then hit a museum. Or if the weather sucks, we crawl back in bed and watch the star wars trilogy.
You like rolling in freshly cut grass and the sound of rain hitting the window. Candles make you feel warm and vulnerable. You may smell like lavender or dusty bookshelves or both. You are sweet like ice cream and spicy like a pepper. You are a badass but shy as a lamb

Looks. Im pretty effing cute Im told. Dirty blonde curls, bright green eyes, plump lips that should have awarded him a PhD in kissing, and he wears denim incredibly well.

Hes a bit broken hearted and disenchanted these days. He is hoping, perhaps just as you are, that someone out there can brighten things up a little and put a much needed charge into life.

i hope youre out there hoping Im out there and that you respond.
i really do.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Fail blog

Well, more specifically, blog fail. Yes, that's right. I was on a roll, posting almost every day for the last month… until this week. Whoops. I'll chalk it up to the fact that I've been busy with work and life (oh, and making stuffed creatures from the book Plush-o-rama: Curious Creatures for Immature Adults).

Wally and I have been messaging a bunch this week, but so far there's been no date. I asked him out to a movie, but I sent the message so late last night (and via the dating service, not regular—and probably more frequently checked—e-mail) that he didn't get it until about an hour ago. He seems interested though, so perhaps we'll be able to get together this week.

Last night I looked at Craigslist again, just because Saturday night Craigslist postings are amusing, and found some really heinous posts (see below). However, I did read one that was so well-written that I might message to find out if the guy is for real. I'll post his listing here tomorrow, but for now you can just read some of the losers' subject lines:

• Sagittarian Looking For His Better Half......
• 12 fine reasons why I should be your next friend with benefits. - (come into my parlor......)
• Now it's your turn to tell me I'm cute also :) - 32
• world famous biker dogs total chicky & magnet & me for free
• Let 's go lingerie shopping - my treat :)
• Very bright, a lusty lass of any age, with eyes of wonder
• persian woman sought by this handsome, successful businessman
• Be Hepburn to my Tracy, Bacall to my Bogie - 53

Monday, November 17, 2008

Word from Wally

So I heard back from Wally—receiving any response at all is usually a cause for celebration—and he sounds really cool. I don't have too many plans for the weekend, so perhaps the two of us might be able to meet…

A quick bit of silliness from someone calling himself "babychipmunk":

"Ive always been young at heart, and I use the term loosley. Throughout my years on this planet, I've applied my creativity to every aspect of my life. Im what they call an AB or Adult Baby. ABism didnt actually become a corner stone til later on. I enjoy the euphoric escapism and returning to that state of innocence. I also appreciate furry or babyfur art since I have a soft spot for that sorda thing. In relation, Im an obsessive fan of Sonic the Hedgehog…"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Shizznisel-snip snap

I got a good one (from Wally). I'm way too tired to answer it tonight—let alone write anything more about it here—but I will tomorrow. Until then, how about a funny bit from a fellow named hubert707:

"well well well what can i tell u perves that will make u happy....ummmmm the hottest outfit a girl can wear is a wife-beater in the morning with no makeup on and boy shorts that right their is the shizznisel-snip snap."

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I messaged Wally. Now I'm just waiting for a response. Waiting. I really hate waiting.

However, after having spent a couple of hours at the Prop. 8 protest today, I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about. I may be waiting for some guy to message me back, but millions of people are waiting for marriage equality. There's really no comparison.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Self-esteem is an interesting concept: too little makes for a pessimistic, often self-depricating individual; too much and a person is cocky and arrogant. I'm like Goldilocks, I guess—I'm looking for a guy with enough self-esteem to feel comfortable with himself but not enough to make him arrogant.

Having said that, here are some relevant posts:

Too much: I am a natural with electronics and anything that requires infinite patience. I'm one of those annoying people who is basically good at everything with little to no effort. I am good at and love cooking. Its not vegan though - I am a 4th generation dairy heir. (electronic milk)

Too little: I'm a passionate, driven and entirely absent-minded person who wants to make the world a better place and is concerned about the massively unequal distribution of wealth. I love learning and meeting new people. I'm probably not cool enough for this website. (foldr)

Too much or too little? I can't tell: Sometimes I stay up too late and send nonsensical messages… so if you get a weird message from me, just ignore it. Unless you can come up with an EVEN WEIRDER reply! We can out-weird each other until the internet explodes! (apparatattack)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oooh…perhaps I really will message this one

For all my sarcasm and snark, I do still use the dating site for its intended purpose: trying to find someone I might want to meet and, if all goes well, date. This morning, when I logged in, there was a profile snippet of a new user whom I will call Wally (username: World-At-Large). He sounded cool, so I looked at his entire profile and discovered that we have a ton in common, but enough differences to keep things interesting. According to our site, we are an incredibly high match; I think I'll message him…

And now for your diversion:

"I'm a very sensual being, I enjoy being in my body and exploring it in many ways. I enjoy using my mind also, but try to stay in body more than in my thoughts. I have a deep Love for the innocence of the human race and a disgust for the dark side of humans that has created so much war on ourselves and the planet." (EroticTouch)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

You should message me if…

The dating site has a profile section that is titled that way and it can be very interesting to read what people say. Here are some examples:

"…you are selling a medium to large sized bust of Chairman Mao made out of opaque white glass. (I don't particularly admire the man. I just want to turn him into a lamp and/or use him as a hat model.) If not that, just message me if, you know, we are some what statistically compatible." (m3rm3r)

"You feel it…isnt that what it starts with? And if my description on here isn't too vague for you and you might be interested in actually getting to know me.Or,you're curious..Please just be at least 95% intelligent..I would go for 100% but let's be realistic." (lyesus)

"You don't want to borrow money off of me. --OR-- You need emergency medical assistance and there's no one else to call you an ambulance. I'll get right on it! --OR-- You want to borrow money off of me. Guess I'm just fickle like that! ;)" (Blah McJones)

"You feel able to converse with me and you kick ass. You know who you are. Everyone jokes that they kick ass but most know, deep down inside, that they truly kick nothing. Would you call yourself giggly? Yep . . . not kicking ass. Also you should have no harsh feelings about my open support of casual sex. My wang is mine and I'll use it however I want and I respect your right to use your junk however you see fitting as well!" (386643)

I'm a little concerned about the ambulance guy. If I'm in need of an ambulance, I don't think I'm going to IMing a random guy on a dating site so that he can call an ambulance… Oh, and all of the statements are copied exactly as they were written—no matter how bad the punctuation and/or spelling.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Guildenstern seeks muse

Tired of Rosencrantz.

The project is to escape the script.

(flips the coin)


Your turn.

So said an ad I found on Craigslist the other day. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, but it certainly stands out from much of the dreck that is on CL personals.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Craigslist = Instant source of …?

If you're not actually looking for anything serious, Craigslist is certainly, um, interesting. After my initial foray into the world of Craigslist personals in the spring, I wasn't exactly thrilled with my prospects there. However, I've been meaning to look back into it, for a diversion, if nothing else.

Diversion indeed. Here are some of the subject lines on the "Men seeking women" section that were posted in the last few hours:

• I would like to be kissed by a geek - 25
• Latent homosexual fantasies/desires and cunning linguist - 45
• I Don't Have To Work Tomorrow! Drinks? - 32
• like a challenge? 500 roses..read this one!
• My Name is Whitney, and I'd Like You to Meet My Dad
• I won't send you pictures of my genitals. Honest. - 34
• Professional ARTIST seeks ARTIST/ MUSE for amazing adventures - 32
• educated, professional toker seeks smart partner in crime - 30
• Slave Wanted, benefits - rent, food and a damn good lifestyle - 32 - (cage)
• Foreign, handsome, cultured toyboy in exchange for board - 19
• Petite, Slender Cutie With Perky Booty? Happy Funny Hipster For You! - 44

Here's one last ad, shown in its entirety, for you to contemplate:

Subject line: Dense as Dostoyevsky
Ad: Saturated with the noise and in dire need for the silence of lust, malfunctioning brain, long legs, scanning eyes, muted munchian scream, girl.
Functional android, looking for new memories.

Friday, November 7, 2008


I like kittens. They're cute, silly, and frequently cuddly. I don't, however, like being compared to a kitten:

"I like my women like I like my kittens: active, playful, and just dependent enough to cuddle and take naps with me. Litterbox-trained goes without saying, of course. (I now have two wonderful little kittens, and I love them dearly.)

"Physical fitness and hygiene are important. My kittens lick their butts—and I'm not saying you should too (though I'd be rather impressed if you could!), but I expect you to keep yourself clean. I'm clean and fit, and it's unlikely I would be interested in someone who is dirty, or in someone who is not in some very vague realm of fitness."

Thanks, crazy guy, for that interesting perspective. (I'm not going to post his username because, though this is totally weird, I'm pretty sure it's actually his name.)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Older Men

I know many women who like to date guys who are older; however, older usually means 3-5 years. It does not mean "old enough to be my father."

So, that said, why oh why is my profile so regularly looked at by men who fit into that "father" category? Do they really think that a 24 year-old is really going to date someone twice her age? Urgh. Plus, I know women in their 30s and 40s who can't find men who want to date them because those guys are going after 20-somethings like me.

It's times like this when I find myself agreeing with Avenue Q's Kate Monster when she says, "I HATE men! I'm leaving! I HATE the internet!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I simply don't know why people like this (username: Planetface) even bother…

"I don't take this site seriously, or srsly for that matter. I don't like jerks, but I'm an asshole. I'm a kickass walking contradiction. ----------- It said I needed to add to my self-summary to get more points and stuff. We all know this is about getting the high score, so rock on. I don't really know what to say here, but I'm hoping I can ramble on long enough to complete whatever length is needed. Somehow this reminds me of fluffing out my papers in high school to meet a quota. I ate a…"

I don't know what he ate, because that was all that showed up on my homepage and I had no desire to look at his whole profile. But really, why would you even join a dating site if you were going to approach it like this.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Debating politics: Turn-on or Turn-off?

After being IMed last night about politics (in part, I assume, because I have some political positions for this election on my profile), I have to say it was a bit of a turn-off. I mean, I guess it was flattering to receive an IM that was about something substantive, but at the same time, an in-depth debate about redistricting is not really what I'm on the site for.

For those of you currently in relationships (or who can remember past relationships in detail) what do you think about this? Are you turned on by a political debate with your partner?

And on a lighter note: Here's someone else who has some feelings about what he does and does not want to be IMed about (taken from his journal post):

"I would not like to get any messages from any users that are pro dog fights. Also, you can trick me into going to a dog fight if you create a poster that said, "Dawg Fights" but frankly I wouldn't like being tricked into it. What sort of person are you if you go around looking for love on [dating site] and then you organize dog fights? I wish dog fights involved two dogs in airplanes shooting down each other. I would never root for the Great Dane. Only if this was some sort of fantasyland can we ever see a great dane winning."

I suppose it is worth noting that this guy lives in Texas…

Monday, November 3, 2008

A shaman

"I am an artist, shaman, writer and inventor in life and relationships. I invite you to explore my on-line world at: www.DaneEasterRose.com."

I went to this website and it is a bit…scary? odd? ridiculous? You tell me. Oh, and if he's an "inventor in relationships" why is he on a dating site?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Just friends

After responding to his last message on Friday, I finally heard back from Richard today. He said that he's only just getting back into the dating scene and didn't really feel a romantic connection between us; he did, however, feel really comfortable with me and hopes he made a new friend. I think I've been single for such a long time that I was wanting things to work out with Richard (relationship-wise) so badly that I overlooked the fact that we will probably make great friends, because I actually feel the same way as he does. It just took reading his message to make me figure this out. I'm surprisingly happy with this, as hard as that may be for some of you to believe. He proposed meeting up again soon—especially if it involves board games (yay!)—so we'll likely see each other again this week.

And now, for today's, um, interesting, profile: "Intellectual-Adventurer seeking a Muse. Think Indiana Jones meets Ender Wiggin, looking for someone like Reese Witherspoon or perhaps Amelie. I am confident and outgoing. I seek adventures, particularly tests of the mind, body and will—the impossible ski run, the glacier-clad mountain, the unsolved theoretical problem. Even if I fail, I wil have learned something—and I don't take stupid risks. Yet, I also have a softer side. I'm not afraid of being creatively affectionate…"

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Seriously? You think I'm going to message you?

While I was out and about today, I received the following message:

you're looking fine but you're looking better in victory secret and i'm a new on okcupid so not sure what i'm doing but happy late happy halloween. like to take u out to whitewater's on your mind - we can do it.

on my spare time i help the homeless for the community but most of the time i spend working.

msg me



After an exhausting week, I came home yesterday afternoon and collapsed in bed with some Thai take-out and "Paris, Je T'aime." At 9 o'clock, it was time for bed. However, when I put my computer away for the night, I left it running and with myself logged into the dating site. Therefore, around midnight, I received the following IM:

monkey1996: I like a women that begs:)

monkey1996: I'm scary but it is halloween right

monkey1996: what are you doin online here

Needless to say, I didn't respond and I've now blocked him. Who does he think he is?

Friday, October 31, 2008


The date the other night went really well. I met Richard at a nifty Ethiopian bar across the street from the concert hall and we hung out there for a couple of hours. We spent a little bit of time talking to his friend and her date, but mostly the two of us just talked about all sorts of things. Interesting things, I should add (given that most of my dates this year have been rather lacking in the interesting conversation department).

The concert was also fun. It was a crazy British band that plays J-pop-esque music. It wasn't something I ever would have found on my own, but I'd definitely listen to them again. We went back to the bar after the show and talked for another hour before I begged my leave. Given that I had to be up for work in six hours, I had to tear myself away. Richard walked me a ways to my bus stop, but as soon as I got to the stop I had to hop right on a bus, which led to a bit of an awkward goodbye. That said, it spared me from what might have been an even more awkward, first-date goodbye.

The best part of this whole saga is that I think we're going to see each other again. I sent him a message the day after to apologize for running away, tell him I had a really good time, and give him a link to some music we'd discussed. After waiting on tenterhooks for a day and a half, I heard back from him. He told me he'd burned me a copy of the album by the band we'd seen but had forgotten it at his friend's house and that he'd like to give it to me. So now the stage is set for a second date. Hmmm… Sunday?

Monday, October 27, 2008


Originally, this post was going to be called "Disappointment" and I was going to write about how every time I see a profile of a guy that seems really cool I freak out and decide not to e-mail him for fear that I'll never hear back. There are a couple of guys on the site who seem awesome, but I've not messaged them for this exact reason.

However, right as I started to title this post, I was IMed by one of these very guys (I'll call him Richard). Hurrah! We ended up chatting for a couple of hours and, towards the end, he asked me out—for a concert tomorrow! Yay! I'm really looking forward to this. I know next to nothing about the band, but it should be an adventure at the very least. Wish me luck!

Oh, and because I can't leave without giving you something bizarre: I'm expanded within my own finding that only being so trully compacted within myself. I dream lucidly in search of more why's and how's. A technicolor daydreamer of sorts. I am THE audiophile. My heart beats because music allows it to. I enjoy the world in depth. I am a lover and not a fighter. A good portion of my time is spent in search of truth and a better definition of subjective reality. I'm extremely passionate when inspired and completely destructive when not… (from the profile of AcidEtched)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

News and Notes

Before I get to the salient portion of my post, here's today's silliness. I must preface this by saying that it's funny to me and likely will be for anyone who watched Gilmore Girls, but perhaps will not be for everyone. From a profile I encountered yesterday:

Dating Site: What's the most private thing you're willing to admit here?
Guy: I am special.

As soon as I encountered this I thought of Rory and Logan slow-dancing at Richard and Emily's vow renewal at the point where this exchange occurs:
Logan: I have thought about asking you out several times, I just don't think it's a good idea.
Rory: Why not?
Logan: Because you're special.
Rory: Special? Like, "Stop eating the paste," special?


So I actually do have something to write today that isn't snark: I IMed with a guy (let's call him Robert) last night for over three hours. He doesn't have the highest match percentage with me, so when his IM popped up, I was tempted to ignore it. However, he actually asked me an intelligent question about something on my profile, so I decided to respond. What followed was much discourse on personality tests (Myers-Briggs, Gardner's Multiple Intelligences, etc.), college a capella groups, and some personal history. Robert seems like a good guy and I would definitely talk to him again—or even go on a date, if he was so inclined. I'll keep you posted.

In other news, I've gotten a bunch of other messages in the last 24 hours—way more than I usually do—but no others that I've been inclined to respond to. There were some interesting usernames in that bunch too: CuriousCactus and ElvisPelvis, among others.

Finally, I've reached the 300 mark in the reject category; that is to say I've now blocked over 300 profiles. I blacklisted them for different reasons, including, but not limited to: age (way too old or young), inanity, disgusting messages, and—my favorite—bad username. 300 in 10 months. How long will it take me to get to 400?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

No, no, no, no…

From a guy with a bad beard, long hair, and crazy tie-dye t-shirt who goes by jestingsorrow:

Hi! I am a student/poet going to a University. My passions include women, poetry, digital painting, 420, religious debates, philosophy, being a hippy, and trying to stay sane in this beautiful world. I love assertive women, women who can act feminine but not overly feminist. I like strong personalities and people who aren't obsessed with money. My attitude toward life is that of an artist and sometimes angelic in nature. I have visions and hallucinations. I think an honest approach is better...

An angelic 4/20-loving hippy…

Friday, October 24, 2008

This is not the classifieds

If I only wanted to know your height, weight, build, and a superficial detail, I would search the newspaper classifieds or Craigslist—but I don't. I'm on my dating site because I want to know more than that. Therefore, I found these two profiles a little lacking:

funtallwhiteguy: "Easy going and fun to be around. Tall and athletic, 6'2 197lbs and fit, muscular body, blue eyes and well endowed!" Oh, did I mention his picture is of him lying on the beach in a speedo?

howareu123: What's up, Im Allen Im 6" tall, blonde hair blue eyes with a toned build. But Im not huge or anything.(Lol) 6 inches? I'm sure he meant 6 feet, but given how many pieces of punctuation are missing in his statement, I really shouldn't be surprised.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Too bad he lives 300 miles away…

The dating site has a journal feature, which many use only a few times (to reach 100% profile completion); however, new posts of the opposite sex (or same, if that's your thing) will appear in the sidebar on a regular basis. Usually they're inane, but today I came across one that I could have written myself:

"The following things are not attractive:
1) Smoking
2) Tattoos whose combined area is larger than that of your hand
3) Piercings on the face (note: the ear is not part of the face)
4) Loving animals as if they were people
5) Looking forward to getting drunk"

If it weren't for the fact that he lives so far away, I would message this guy, but I can barely keep up with my friends let alone manage a long-distance relationship.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

No Luck with Luke

I don't think the thing with Luke is going to go anywhere. Too bad—he's really into typography, just like me. Unfortunately, a shared love of light serif typefaces is not really enough to build a relationship on.

Now, for today's silliness, as taken from ho11yw00d's profile: "I've gone out with my share of crazy chicks lately, so please don't be one of those. I'm a good guy so I'm looking for a good girl. I'm not so much a partier anymore. I'm more into doing things like jetskiing, bbqs, trips to Vegas, Tahoe, sporting events,…"

Right… so he's not into partying anymore, but he likes going to Vegas? He doesn't really seem the type to go see Cirque du Soleil or Celine Dion, so he goes Vegas but doesn't partying?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Today's bit of wisdom

Today's post is brought to you by the profile of edit_this:

The slip and slide never got as much credit as it deserved. All you had to do was turn on a hose and throw down some plastic and poof, you've got fun. Minus of course all those rocks under the slide which cost your friend Timmy an ER visit. The slip and slide giveth and taketh away.

(You should message me if) You're funny, freakishly good looking, have a drinking problem, etc.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Two in one day? Crazy.

That's right. I e-mailed two different guys in one day and a total of three this week. After my successful date with Greg, I was feeling a little more confident with this whole online dating thing, so on Monday I messaged I guy I've been thinking about messaging for months. However, right after I pressed 'send' I noticed on his profile that he hadn't logged into the site for over a month; in other words, I'm not surprised I've not heard back from him.

My dating site claims that October is Ladies Month, and as such, we women should take the initiative to message guys in whom we're interested. It's not that I haven't done that before, but I've decided that I should be a little more gung-ho about this whole thing. Anyhoo, on Friday, I wrote to two different guys and I actually got a response from one of them, who, for the time being I'll call Luke. Hooray! We've now exchanged a few messages so maybe something will come of it.

Finally, here's today's ridiculous profile bit: "I am so tired of writing these damn things. No one really cares anyway, right? I know most of you girls just care about the pictures anyway, and I know that in that department I'm not particularly impressive. As my screen-name would suggest, I'm a huge film geek. Yeah, that's right, a geek. If you don't geek out about something, then quite frankly, you are boring."

Sunday, October 19, 2008

This is too much fun

I have a friend who has made it a personal goal to create and post a piece of artwork everyday on her blog. Usually they're simple, but gorgeous photos and they always make me feel calm and pensive. I encourage you to check them out.

While I sincerely doubt reading my blog will make you feel calm—perhaps pensive, though—I'm going to see if I can post something amusing from the world of online dating on a daily basis. Online dating is hard, because you can learn so much about a person before the first date, but, ultimately, not a lot of what really makes a relationship tick. It isn't until an actual meeting that you can say for certain whether or not someone is a great find or a dud.

So, here's the humorous line for the day: "Aye! I am of the human species. I come in search of adventure." (I feel that I should also point out that this person is one of those obnoxious people who lists every single artist/band in his iTunes playlist in the section "Favorite Music"—are all of those really your favorites?)

Edit: I wrote this before bed last night, but seeing as it was past midnight, it technically counted as today's post. However, here's one more choice tidbit from a profile I encountered this morning: "I am a hippie/techie/frat boy who follows the Buddha."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Another Ridiculous Profile

"O hai dere. I don't fake the funk! My cat recently died. He was so awesome. Sheesh. I hope you're up there in cat heaven, buddy! Oh man I love Mexican beer so much. Maybe because I'm a Mexican Jew. Do they make Jewish beer? I bet its gross like that Manischewitz wine. Makers Mark is my favorite whisky. I like to sing. I write about movies for a living. Blah, blah, blah!"

I'm laughing so hard that I'm having trouble typing this. I'm sure this is just place-filler, since he only joined the site yesterday, but still…

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

This Morning's Rejects

My site allows me to block people whom I find distasteful, thus giving them no chance to message me. I just blocked two people:

666voices. Even if he hadn't looked totally scary in his picture, the name was enough to send me running for the "block" button.

clogan9. Here's the part of his profile that popped up on my homepage this morning: "yes i know i need to write things here, maby u can help fill this up with what u think of me?" I could let him know, but it would be mean… so I wrote about it here, instead.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

An Afternoon with Greg

The date, all things considered, went well. We had a good time at the surprisingly empty museum. The new exhibit is fascinating and we were able to keep up a good conversation both about the art and ourselves. (I learned that he was a little misleading on his profile when he listed English as his primary language and Russian and Polish as ones that he only speaks "okay" because he IS Russian, not Russian-American, but straight-up Russian. That's fine and all, I was just a little surprised. He grew up there, went to school there, and only came to the US for grad school. I think he's been in the US for about ten years.) He'd never been to the museum before, so it was fun seeing what he was drawn to and viewing the museum with fresh eyes.

After the first museum, we ended up going into another. Though they were both modern art museums, the second was very modern, in that the exhibit is being assembled by a collective as well as the visitors. It was really cool, but it took a little getting used to. I, for once, found myself being the extrovert as I tried to get him to interact with the exhibit, but in the end, we both contributed something.

Though we could have gone into a third and yet still different museum after that, we decided to spend some time walking around the area, as it was such a lovely day. We wound up down by the water, buying some fish and chips to eat on the pier. We went our separate ways shortly thereafter, but I had a good feeling upon leaving.

I don't know if I'll see Greg again, but it was a good date. After my previous bad dates, I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever have a good one; this was a welcome change. There are a few more guys who've just joined the dating site recently that seem interesting, so I'm going to do as the site is encouraging me to do, and initiate conversation with the guys rather than the other way around (not that I've not done that before, but I don't do it as often as I should).

Friday, October 10, 2008

I've got a date tomorrow!

It's with a really cool sounding guy I'm going to call Greg and I'm pretty excited. Here's why:
  1. He just moved to this city and is from the opposite coast. He's curious to learn about the city from a native like me.
  2. He's told me twice that he's excited.
  3. We're not going to walk for miles—we're going to a museum to see a cool-sounding exhibit that opens tomorrow.
  4. We haven't exhausted every possible conversation topic before the date (like I have with the last couple guys)

In other news, sfgiantnut21 just looked at my profile.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Bad Usernames: Part 3

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have a penchant for collecting usernames that I think are terrible and then writing snarky comments about them. If you don't like the snark, skip this post. If you like my commentary or are curious to know what some of today's males think make good usernames, read on.

Bigmonolith (Some get bonus points for using an SAT word, but not you for using this crude euphemism)
DarkHeartXIII (Oooh, you sound so dark and scary…)
Expertgumchewer (and that's something that should make me want to date you?)
Halfgoat (So you're a satyr? That's so not my type.)
Hugefuckingdork (This is just wrong… especially if you know anything about whale anatomy)
Iamkoolaid (Are you punchy?)
Iatemykitty (a. I'm a cat person, b. I'm basically a vegetarian, and c. WHAT?)
Jizzblaster (Attention whore)
Mrubermensch (Regardless of how you choose to define übermensch, this guy's ego seems to be a bit inflated)
Nofishtoday1 (Are you eating fish? selling? catching? I'm confused.)
Paprikanator (The Terminator of Spice World. Ooh, maybe Sporty Spice could have a death match with Paprikanator… who would win?)
Plaidfluff (How can fluff be plaid?)
Rockthemullet (Mullets are gross—the hairstyle and the fish)
Sfgiantnut21 (This guy just needs one more letter to make this into a great username. As it is, the name makes me wonder if he's only got one…)
Sockgremlin (If I'm not mistaken, this is a character from a bad '80s kids' book)
Superkittykill (I sure hope this guy and Iatemycat never get together… cat lovers beware!)
Urnotcompatible (Well then, why should I bother?)

And thus concludes another round of "What were they thinking?"

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tonight's rejects

Well they're not really rejects as they didn't contact me, but I've rejected them based on the first few lines of their profiles (and one for his horrid username).

Reject #1:
- Username: opolis
- Profile opening: "I came to [this place I live] to reinvent myself as a more interesting person. I may have gone too far. Do you ever feel like you are the last sane person on earth? Is that statistically possible? You'll notice I'm very dynamic. I'm more deviant than I look, and I like it that way. I can have a good conversation with anyone. I'm always working on a stupid art idea or helping a friend with one of their's. I like to ride things with two wheels…"
- Picture: Definitely not very deviant-looking.
- Conclusion: Ugh.

Reject #2:
- Username: smallweiner4u
- Profile opening: "My name is smallweiner4u, if you want to know why, you'll have to ask! Isn't that a clever way to catch your interest?"
- Photo: Not bad, but not attractive to me either, no matter what the username.
- Conclusion: There are much better ways to get my attention and "capture my interest" than this. At the very least, he could have made it smallweinerforyou. There's nothing I hate more than text/IM abbreviations.

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Date

Alright, you guys, here it is. I would have posted sooner, but I went back to work this week and then spent the last four days in bed with a bad cold.

The date was really great. I took the bus down to his hometown and we hung out for the whole day. I hadn't been to the town for years, so it was fun to be shown around by a local. We toured the main street and made a mental list of places to visit later, walked on the pier and at the beach, ate a delicious Thai lunch (he's been to Thailand and he says that restaurant has the best Thai food he's had outside of Thailand), listened to music at his house, spent some time at the local amusement park (where he got me to ride a roller coaster, something that no one's been able to do for the last dozen years), and then went back to the main street to check out all the places we'd spotted earlier.

Had things not gone as well, I easily could have left many hours earlier; however, we got along so well that I ended up taking the last bus out of town. That all said, I didn't get the feeling that either of us was attracted to the other; rather, I think we'll be good friends. We've e-mailed back and forth in the last week and, at some point, he'll probably make his way up the coast so I can give him a tour of my hometown, but for now I don't think anything more will come of it.

I feel good about this and I'm really happy to have a new friend.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

You've got to be kidding me

I just got this message on the dating site: "hey...you seem cute and sexy...lets make some plan to hangout some day n get to know each other better...reply me back if interested...till then take care..."

Uh-huh, sure. Of course I'll go out with you…

Monday, August 18, 2008


As I mentioned, Dan's back. For those of you who don't remember, he's the one I was e-mailing with back in March and April but who lives about 60 miles south of me. Shortly after we started chatting, he told me that he'd just started dating a girl (as in that weekend), but hoped we could still be friends. We'd been having good conversations and he lived so far away that I figured the most we'd ever be is friends and didn't see any reason to stop talking to him. What I never wrote here is that he and the girl broke up after about a month. About a week after he told me this, I stopped hearing from him. It was weird, but I was so busy with work and everything else in my life, that I didn't worry about it.

Then, last week he messaged me to apologize for being out of touch and we've been messaging a ton ever since (though not with the extreme frequency with which I was messaging and IM-ing Ian back in February). We finally talked last night—for an hour—and I'm going to meet him this weekend. I'm excited about this.

Coming soon: another bad username post. I've accumulated a number of good ones, including 'halfgoat,' 'MrMooEar,' and 'iamkoolaid.'

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dating non-natives to the area

So Superquail asked me why, "you only want to date people from the area, but you don't want to date people who grew up in the area," in response to my posts about Carl. The answer is fairly simple, really. I live in a big city but I have dozens of "It's a Small World" moments every year, times when I meet someone who knows my best friend from high school or lived down the street from me growing up. It's not that I'm afraid or ashamed of my past, I just find that it's nice to meet people with whom I have absolutely no connections. The chances of that happening with a local are slim, so I like to date people who aren't from the area. I guess I also like playing tour guide—being a proud native, and all—but that's a much smaller reason.

In other news, Dan's back. He sent me an e-mail the other day, after being out of communication since April. He wrote a very sincere apology for not writing and after a few e-mails we're talking about trying to meet up sometime soon. I assume it would just be as friends, but that's totally fine with me (I think).

Monday, August 11, 2008

I did something totally out of character

It is a well-established fact that when it comes to meeting and interacting with new guys, I'm pretty hopeless (hence joining the dating site). I have never slipped my number to a guy before and it's not something I ever plan on doing.

Except that I did. On Friday I was eating dinner by myself at this tasty fish restaurant and I was reading an old issue of National Geographic. The waiter happened to comment on this, asking if it was a good issue because he just got a subscription to it and hadn't read the current issue yet. I told him it was an old one, but he still seemed interested. Now, he was probably just interested in the magazine and making small talk, but something made me decide to leave it behind, for him, with a note written on the cover indicating a good article and, should he want any more back issues, my phone number.

I haven't heard from him—he's too cute to be single, anyway—but it would have been kind of cool if I had.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What is it with guys who like rodents?

First there was Groundhog Guy. Now there's Squirrel Boy. As you may have guessed, given my lack of posts since last weekend, the date was, well, fine. There was nothing really wrong with Carl except for the complete lack of chemistry between us. Had there been chemistry I could have overlooked the fact that we spent most of the five hours together engaged in sarcastic banter. Or that we spent over an hour in the botanical garden (it's big, but not that big). Or that every time he saw a squirrel he had to stop and take a picture of it with his cell phone camera. Or the fact that though we are the same age, I felt like I was about five years older than him.

Needless to say, we won't be going out again. Oh well. I tried.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I have a date!

On Saturday! Yay! Carl seems awesome and I can't wait to meet him. There are so many good things going for him, but I think one of the biggest is that he isn't from here. He's from clear across the country, meaning that we probably have absolutely zero shared acquaintances. (Having now had two bad experiences dating guys from here who both went to the same schools and know many of the people I know, I've decided that I should strive to date non-locals.)

More later.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I don't know if this counts

but I've been on Yelp a lot in the last month and have started going to events sponsored by Yelp or arranged by other Yelpers. Anyhoo, I've been meeting some new people this way, including a few cool guys. I've met them in person but we were brought together by the internet. Online dating? Perhaps not. What do you think?

Also, I was asked out by someone (I'll call him Carl) on the dating site. I think this might actually work out. He seems nice and he doesn't drink. Yay! It's so awkward trying to meet guys, since either the meeting places or the date spots often involve alcohol. So this is very promising.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Craigslist, zines, and an ex

When last I wrote I was trying to decide whether or not to e-mail the guy from Craigslist. I might never have gotten up the gumption to do it had *ily not pointed out that CL listings expire after a week (meaning I wouldn't have any way to contact the guy). So I did. I waited nervously for a while to see if I'd get anything back…and I did! He sounded cool and he thought I sounded cool and he told me a bit more about himself. I wrote back…

A little more than a week later, I've still not heard from him again. Oh well. At least I gave it a shot. I'll probably be a little more comfortable e-mailing people from CL now (I found two more promising listings over the weekend), so perhaps something will come from this.

Over the weekend, I went to the Zine Fest and checked out lots of independent magazines, books, art, etc. I mention this because there was one guy selling a zine called The Bad Date Zine. Anyway, I started talking to him and he said he's taking submissions for the next issue. Needless, to say, the Groundhog Day date is going to be submitted. (I'll be sure to let you know if he decides to publish it.)

Finally, I volunteered to be an extra in an independent movie yesterday. I was told to show up at 2 and prepare to be there for the next 4 hours or so. When I walked in, who should be a couple ahead of me at the check-in desk? My very first boyfriend, Scarf-boy (as he was known to my friends—he gave me a nice scarf for Christmas). Aack. I was a bit of a stalker in high school, and that was part of what led to the downfall of this relationship. Needless to say, I was not about to identify myself to him if I could avoid it. When it was time for the shoot, the producer started pairing up the guys and girls as if we were on dates and it was all I could do to think happy thoughts and not be paired up with him. I wasn't, thankfully. However, over the course of the afternoon, it became apparent that a) he recognized me and b) he had said as much to the woman he'd been paired with. She then told me and all was revealed. As it turns out, he's grown-up to be a very nice guy (not that he wasn't to begin with) and we ended up sitting next to each other and talking for about the last hour. The best part about the whole thing: I have absolutely no feelings for this guy anymore, which meant that I could have a great conversation with him without feeling nervous or silly. It's too bad, really, as he's making oodles of money as an engineer and wildfire-fire fighter and looks pretty good to boot. That said, he now lives in another state (he was home visiting his parents), so even if we had wanted to date, it would be pretty impossible.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Superquail asked

In response to my last post, Superquail asked what is keeping me from e-mailing the Craigslist guy:

Is it that you feel unsafe? Are you worried that you just don't have enough information to screen out a freak (or a guy with a groundhog)? What are the kinds of things you would need to feel more comfortable making contact with this person?

I guess it's that the dating site has all sorts of additional information on it, stuff you are asked to fill in when you start your profile (of course, all of that could be fake, but I like to think that it's mostly truthful), plus pictures. I didn't realize that when Craigslist personal ads are listed as having pictures that the pictures are usually of anything but the person in question. In this case, it's a (rather nice) drawing of a classroom—he's a high school teacher, supposedly.

I know that when you meet someone for the first time, say at a party or pub quiz or whatever, that you aren't going to have all of this background information; but at least you can see and talk to them in person. The gut feelings I get from an initial meeting are invaluable and I can't really get these online without much information.

I'll undoubtedly debate this in my head all day, but I'm thinking I might go ahead and e-mail Craigslist guy. What's the worst that could happen? Right?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I've been Yelping…

a lot more than I have been looking for a date online. Well, sort of. You see, there's this guy I found on the dating site a little while back who seemed pretty awesome. Problem was that he was not immediately in town, but rather a two-hour drive north. However, he works in town and said he was planning on moving here in a few months. He also said that he spent some time on Yelp. Not wanting to start anything with a guy that far away, but still interested, I messaged him and asked for his Yelp address so I could read his reviews. He sent me it, I read them, and that was that.

Then, about 10 days or so ago, I became, overnight, obsessed with writing reviews on Yelp. After writing about 20, I wrote the guy back—on Yelp—and asked if he'd like to compare notes with me. I didn't hear anything for over a week, so I assumed I never would. But then, low and behold, today I got a message back from him saying that he had been moving in to his new place here in town and had been a bit preoccupied, but that he would like to compare reviews once he was settled.

So we'll see. Perhaps something will come out of this.

In the meantime, I decided to check out Craigslist again. Tonight, being a Sunday, I figured I might have a better chance at finding legitimate postings, rather than the "are you free tonight to come over to shag" kind of posts I'd seen on a Saturday night. Sure enough, I found some, including one particularly good one. I know I wrote that I need to stop second-guessing myself, but, in comparison to the people on my regular dating site, I don't feel that I really know much about this guy (other than that he has an awesome sense of humor). What do you say? Should I message him?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Other sites

*ily has encouraged me to move beyond my current site and try elsewhere, namely Craigslist, if nothing else for the shock value. Just for kicks I decided to do just that. Here are the first six listings that came up for me when I visited the "men seeking women" section of my local Craigslist (spelling, punctuation, and formatting just as written):

  • Operation Girlfriend Rescue! - 26
    • This ad asks for someone who can "excite" him with all sorts of "stories and adventures" and it says that if you take him on a road trip he "opens up" and "likes the feeling of being free." He closes by requesting that one, "send me your pic, not from down there, your face first!"
    • He just got home from work and isn't tired so he wants to chat with a cool and special woman and put a smile on her face. He's willing to send a photo…
  • chat ? - 33
    • He just got home from hanging out and wants to chat.
  • I Would Love to Gently Shave You
    • I wouldn't feel good about posting this guy's entire post verbatim, and I really can't do it justice. Let's just say that he feels shaving a woman's "private area" can be "arousing and a truly beautiful experience."
  • Snuggle and Fall Asleep in My Arms
    • This is a single guy who is looking for someone to snuggle and hold in his arms. I like snuggling, a lot, perhaps more than the average person; however, I am not about to call someone up sheerly because of this one shared desire.
  • Am I the only normal one here? Please prove me wrong - 28
    • He says he feels strange about posting on CL, but that his friend had success so he thought he'd try it out. Then he goes on to list some of his physical attributes and say that his, "ideal situation is something between dating and a casual encounter." To him I reply: and how is that really any different from what most of these other guys want?

Very interesting. I don't know about this, *ily. Perhaps 2:30 on a Friday/Saturday night isn't the best time to be perusing the CL personals given what I'm looking for, but it was amusing all the same.

A new resolution

A couple of days ago, about the time I realized I'd been on the dating site for six months, I decided I needed to stop sitting around waiting for guys to e-mail me and go ahead and write them myself. Don't get me wrong, I've taken the first step before (as some of you may remember from earlier posts), but this is a little different.

Backing up a bit: Usually, when I have a decision to make that involves some degree of risk, be it financial, romantic, or otherwise, I wait it out. For example, there is a purse that I really want, but it is a lot of money. Do I need the purse? No. Do I want it? Yes. How badly do I want it? Ah, there is the essential question. In order to determine this, I put the purse on hold (well, in my Amazon.com shopping cart, actually, but same difference) and see how long I can go before purchasing it. If I really want it, eventually I'll break down and buy it. If, however, I decide that it's not something I really need or want, it will fade from memory, and, at some point, I'll get around to taking it out of my cart.

For all intents and purposes, that's what I've been doing so far with online dating. If I see a guy's profile that sounds good, I leave it open, checking it frequently to make sure he's still interesting, and then, after a week or so, if I still find him intriguing, I might, maybe, message him. A few times this has worked out, but more often than not, I never get anything back.

Such is the case with the current guy. I've been looking at his profile on and off for two weeks—the longer I look, the more interested I truly am, for I don't want to mess it up—and I finally worked up the nerve to message him two nights ago. So far, I've heard nothing. Before the message, we'd been looking at each others' profiles fairly regularly; since then, nothing from him. Too bad… he sounded great.

Onwards and upwards, though. I've decided to quit stalling and message guys who sound appealing. Hopefully, I can keep this resolution. Of course, you'll be the first to know whether I do or I don't.