Hiatus

Things with Henry are going really well. As such, this blog will be on hiatus until further notice.

Thanks for reading!

Cyanide and Happiness

Henry and I have been e-mailing a lot in the lead up to our date tomorrow, and we've spent a good deal of time sharing things we think the other person should know about. From him, I received links to a web comic called Cyanide and Happiness. I'd never heard of it before, so I checked it out. There are many funny ones, but here was one I though had a little bit of correlation to this blog. If I had to guess, I bet there are a fair amount of people in the online dating world who, at some point or another, wish there was an easier way to find someone. I just hope they never get to this point:


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

So tomorrow Henry and I are going to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant and then on to a Slavic women's circus. At this point, we have quite a long list of other dates to go on, so I think there's a pretty good chance that I'll make it to date four. I haven't been on a fourth date with someone in a very long time.

Second date with Henry

The second date with Henry was wonderful. We joined a group of about 20 people for board games at a nearby cafe and played five or six different games over three and a half hours. He'd been twice before, so he knew a few of the people but we each met lots of new people. I would definitely go back again because it's a great way to try out lots of new games. 

Afterwards, we dropped our games back at my apartment and then walked over to the most fabulous little pizza place (it's truly tiny—four tables and four seats at the bar) and shared delicious pizza and a slice of goat cheese kumquat tart. If that sounds odd, trust me when I say it was amazingly good (and I even passed up on the flour-less chocolate cake for it). We stuck around and talked for a while—amazingly no one needed our table—before going back to my apartment. 

We watched "Once," which is a truly great movie with a spectacular soundtrack (if you haven't seen it, get it now) and lots of unresolved sexual tension. Let's just say that he stayed for another three hours after the movie ended and I finally had to send him home so we could both get a little sleep before work today.

I caused a bit of trouble this morning however, when I sent him an e-mail that was supposed to be flirty and facetious but was taken seriously by Henry. I quickly responded with a clarifying e-mail, so hopefully all is well there. Regardless, we've already decided to go out again Friday. We don't have any plans for the date yet, but I'm happy just to spend some more time with him whatever we end up doing. 

So far, so good. I'm happy and hopeful and I can't wait for Friday.

Haircut

I got my hair cut on Friday—finally (it had been almost six months since the last haircut)—and am loving it. I noted this on facebook, and friends asked for pictures, so I took a few and uploaded one there. I also put it as my primary photo on the dating site.

Then my profile was viewed over 25 times in the eight hours following my upload. That's about five times as many profile views as I usually get in a day. I don't think it's that great of a photo, but apparently others do. Interesting. However, I only got one message, and that was from a guy in Europe. There's long-distance dating and then there's long-distance dating…

At least I didn't get a message from a guy like this:

~~KREEPY BOY SEEKS CREEPY GIRL TO GET WEIRD WITH.~~ - 30

Part-time partner in krime sought. Pay is terrible. Benefits delicious. Let's get weird.

You: Scarf. Hunching. Werewolf mask. Vintage hearing aid. Bad breath.
Me: Raised eyebrow. Silk rope. Firm hand. Cruel smile.


P.S. I've got my second date with Henry in an hour or so. Wish me luck!

Compatibility

There was another NPR piece that I was going to share with you in this post, but I can't seem to find it. Therefore, we'll have to make do with a Craigslist ad I found a couple of weeks ago:

FUN COMPATIBILITY TEST - 34

High maintenance / low maintenance
Mac / PC
NY Times / SF Chronicle
iPhone / Blackberry
Designer jeans / Levis
Yankees / Giants
Beach / Mountains / Vegas
Heels / flats
Moaner / Screamer / Talker
SUV / sports car / Green
Starbucks / Peet's
Banana Rep / Gap
Greasy Spoon / Sunday Jazz Brunch
Adult Films - tolerated / encouraged / not permitted
Simpsons / South Park
Full / French / Bikini / Thong / Camando [sic]
Single / Attached / Married

Wow. If this guy thinks these are the most important checks of compatibility, he's going to remain single a while longer.

The Drake Equation

If you aren't a devoted listener of This American Life, shame on you. It's amazing and everyone should listen to it. If you are, did you hear the most recent episode, "Somewhere Out There"? It's this year's Valentine's Day show and it has a number of stories about the trials and tribulations of love and relationships and pretty much skips out on the sort of lovey-dovey mushiness most V-Day shows typically air. Though the whole episode was great (as always), my favorite part was the story at the beginning of the program in which a man explains how he and his fellow physics grad students used math (specifically the Drake Equation) to determine the likelihood of finding the perfect mate. Please listen to it here and tell me what you think about their calculations and specifications.

Since I haven't put a silly end to my post in while, here's something from Craigslist that was too good to pass up. Today's oddity is brought you by the letter C:

CUPID…I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED - 32

You see, I like girls. cute ones. sexy ones. Not GAY MEN, so stop shooting them with your bow & arrow and then sending them my way. Especially, when I'm in the shower at the gym…I mean the guy with the rainbow flag tattooed on his ass. His glances were not furtive, homeboy was STARING!

Why can't you shoot the barista at the coffee shop who always smiles at me? Why can't you aim at any of these cute girls currently reading this ad?

Let's try this again.

What a difference a year makes

For those of you who've been reading my blog since the beginning, it may be hard to believe that it was a year ago this week that I had my intense IM relationship with the guy who seemed absolutely great (Ian)—until he disappeared. It's difficult for me to imagine that I'd ever make that mistake again. For one, there are better things to do than waste one's entire week of vacation IMing with one person, no matter how cool he may be. For another, well, there were so many warning signs. So anyway, I feel that I've learned a lot since then and am trying to be much more rational about this whole online dating thing.

As for the Henry/Adam situation, I've not heard anything more from Adam since Monday; I am however going to be seeing Henry again this weekend. He invited me to go with him to a nearby cafe for a board games group. Nerdy? Perhaps. Right up my alley? Totally. I'm really excited about this. Oh, and from the "it's a small world" files: one of you, a friend of mine from college, actually knows Henry from high school. I discovered this through the wonder that is Facebook. Sing it with me: "It's a small world after all, it's a small world afterall…"

What if you should decide…

…that you don't want me there by your side,
that you don't want me there in your life?
(Coldplay, "What If")

The date with Henry went really well, I think. We had dinner at an awesome South Indian place (lots of nice ambiance, lots of delicious food for your money) and then walked over to a funky little cafe that has live music every night. Last night, as it is every Sunday, was classical music. Henry's a classically trained singer—he even did a masters in voice—and spent some of his childhood playing various brass instruments, so he got just as much, if not more out of the concert than I did. It was nice to be with someone with whom I could have an awesome conversation but who also shares my love of music. Music is such a central part of my life that I find it hard to imagine a relationship could last if the guy in my life didn't appreciate it as I do.

So now I'm waiting. I messaged him and I was the one to ask him on the date, so now I feel as though I should give him a chance to message or call me. I got the impression that he had as good of a time as I did, so I'm hoping he'd be up for a second date. Even if a relationship doesn't come out of this, I really would like to have him as a friend. He's that neat and I'll be disappointed if he doesn't feel the same way.

Therefore, I'm a bit confused about the fact that before I messaged Henry, I'd IMed with a guy I'll call Adam. I originally messaged Adam to correct something on his profile, but didn't expect anything to come of it. Instead, we IMed for over an hour and I ended up with his phone number. He doesn't live in the city, and the one day he was going to be here that week was the one day I already had plans, so we'd agreed that I'd call him in a few days and that we'd go from there. To make a long story a teeny bit shorter, I didn't call him because I wasn't feeling well (I told him as much) and then kind of forgot about him as I planned my date with Henry. He just IMed me. He asked if I was feeling better, we exchanged pleasantries about the weekend, and then he said he'd call me this week.

This is why, when last year I was faced with the option of chatting with two different guys during the same week, I decided I couldn't do it. It's too confusing—emotionally, logistically, etc. I really want to see how this thing works out with Henry, but Adam seems cool too. I never thought I'd be in this position—don't get me wrong, it is flattering—and I just don't really know what to do about it. Advice? Words of wisdom?

I want to ride my bicycle

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

I'm just totally and completely scared to ride on the streets of San Francisco. I learned to ride when I was little, but I only rode at the local middle school playground—which was FLAT and devoid of moving vehicles. Thanks to Ily, I've regained a little of my biking know-how, but I'm still afraid to ride on the city streets (even in my relatively quiet and flat neighborhood).

The thing is, in San Francisco, everyone my age seems comfortable on a bike. Lots of guys specifically mention on their online profiles (if not even in their usernames) that they like to ride their bikes and would be interested in going on bike rides around the city with a girl on a date. In theory, this sounds like a lot of fun; however, it's actually terrifying until I become comfortable on a bike. My romantic side hopes that I'll find someone who'll be willing to help me overcome my fear of bike-riding.

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but the other day the SF Chronicle actually ran a story about this called "Low-carbon dating: Biking gets hearts racing." Here's the lede:

Two-wheeled but single? Luckily there are hundreds of others like you with whom you already have something in common. Or perhaps you're already paired up and are seeking an active, outdoorsy way to spend Valentine's Day weekend. Well, pump up your heart and your tires, because the bicycle is a date-getting, date-going machine.

Someday…

P.S. I am going out with Henry tonight. I'll update tomorrow.

Could I become a bar fly?

It's really interesting how my dislike of alcohol and, thus, my general disinterest in bars and clubs, has made it quite difficult to find and meet single men. Sure there are lots of other ways to meet people, but meeting new people at bars seems like something most twenty-somethings are good at. Therefore, I would like to announce that I've found a bar that I actually like. It's got half hour pizzas at happy hour (and they're really good too), nice staff, a good location, cool art on the walls, and lots of good places to hang out with friends or sit by oneself and read a book. I've been with co-workers twice, but yesterday I decided to go over on my own with a book, have some pizza, and just enjoy being somewhere other than my apartment. I plan to make this a regular Friday thing. It's a really nice way to unwind after a long week.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, you see, after an hour and a half or so of sitting there at the bar with my book, pizza, and non-alcoholic beverage, a guy sits down next to me. He doesn't look out of place, but it seemed like maybe he hadn't been there before. The waitress gave him a food menu and explained that the pizzas were half-price. I decided to go for it: I turned to him and made a pizza recommendation. We ended up talking for two hours.

Now, I'd like to point out that while it was flattering to have his attention, I don't think I'd really want to date this guy (let's call him James). Here are my reasons (and don't hesitate to comment and let me know if I'm being too petty):
- He's 38 (he told me about having recently been to his 20-year high school reunion).
- He's the father of a four year-old boy. There was no ring, so I'm guessing divorce, but I didn't ask.
- James drank about five glasses of Stella and had just started on his second bottle of Bud Light by the time I left (7 beers in 2 hours? Isn't that a lot?)
- He spends most of the week in San Jose, but comes up to San Francisco regularly. However, he travels for work A LOT
- James doesn't care about current events. We had a chat about this and we both agreed that the mainstream media is too full of depressing stories about violent deaths, wars, and the recession; however, we disagreed in that I still am a regular consumer of news, just from other sources.
- Going along with my previous point, I felt smarter than him, by quite a lot. I'm not sure if I could enjoy being with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal.

In the end, I gave him my card, mostly so I could pass along my Yelp reviews (he'd never heard of Yelp) since he seemed desperately in need of knowledge about where to go and what to do when he's in San Francisco. He asked me if he could call me and I said I prefer e-mail. We'll see. I'm not sure whether I would actually want to see him again. However, it was nice to have this kind of interaction. Perhaps next time it'll be with someone I definitely do want to see again.

Back to the online world for now. I'm probably going on a date tomorrow night with a guy from the dating site (he'll be Henry). We're both classical music fans and there's a cafe that has free classical music on Sunday nights that I've been meaning to check out for a while. I told him about it and he thought it sounded good. Henry gave me his number and I'm to call him to set up the date. I'll let you know how that goes.

Finally, because this post is already long, I'm going to make it a little longer by sharing with you this tidbit from Craigslist:

DATE ME NOW - 25

Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll hear if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!

I like bacon, I don't like clowns

Last night I found a surprisingly large amount of decent, readable ads on Craigslist. There are also a lot of desperate lads looking for a Valentine's Day date. However, two of those from the former category made me smile (though not enough for me to actually message them—unless you think I should).

NEW MOVIES AND NEW COUCH - 27

So I've got some new couches, and I want to watch a movie with some company. Obviously you're not going to come right away, cause I might be creepy, and you don't know that. But I'll have the couches for awhile, and the movies for a while. So maybe we can get some coffee, walk around and take in the summer all around us. 27, guy next door, good looking and professional. What do you say? Got a pic?

I liked this ad because it was more honest than most. I'm not sure what he means by "take in the summer" seeing as it's February, but he seems decent.

I LIKE BACON, I DON'T LIKE CLOWNS - 32

I like bacon. The only thing that might be better than bacon, are things wrapped in bacon. Shrimp, beef, even pork chops -- all good on their own. But you wrap them in bacon and then you really have something.

It's not that I'm all about the food. I'm actually in good shape (5'11", 190 lbs). It's just that I can't think of a better conversation starter in this medium. In person I can talk about all sorts of things: local/national politics, art, music, literature, and how all these things relate to bacon. I'm quite the raconteur. I am Jewish (but, uh, not very kosher), a recent home owner; I have a car which is silver and shiny (sometimes I use it to transport bacon to my home). I like to cook, dance, and travel.

Oh, and I don't like clowns. Clowns are scary. If you are a clown, please don't respond to this. Even if you like to wear lots of white makeup and a fake red nose, we probably won't get along.

This ad is a perfect example of how difficult it is to write a first message, profile, or response to a message/profile. What do you talk about? I like that he chose bacon and clowns; I may not share his sentiments on those things, but they were an interesting way to get me to read his ad.

Public Eavesdropping

A local newspaper columnist runs a reader-submitted quote each day at the end of her column. The quote is something that has been overheard by the reader and is usually silly and/or inane. Today the entire column was dedicated to these quotes, all of which have to do with relationships. Here's the first part:


Part 1: The Valentine's Game

By Leah Garchik

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

And now, with Valentine's Day approaching, let us embark on the annual quote-by-quote tramp through the pastures of relationships.

First, the need must be recognized:

-- "Not being married is the source of her drinking? Then I should be face down in a ditch" (Woman at Pasta Pomodoro on 24th Street, overheard by Tom Perrault)

-- "But I do know what I don't want." (Woman to friend, overheard at Peet's on Fillmore Street by Ken Maley)

-- "All my girlfriends dumped me when I lost my house." (Man to man while cycling, overheard on Tunnel Road in Oakland by Celeste Demitrios)

-- "The only thing I arouse in a woman is suspicion." (Man to woman, overheard in Union Square in New York by Steve Held)

-- "I need to stop chasing the guys in sanitation." (Middle-aged woman to friend, overheard in Sonoma by Leslie McLean)

-- "Shopping is like dating in S.F. It looks good at first. Then you get it home and it doesn't go with anything you have." (Woman to woman, overheard in the audience at "Shopping! The Musical" by cast member Dan Meagher)

-- "That's why me and Roman Polanski have the same taste in women." (Man to friend, overheard outside Savanna Jazz in the Mission by R. Guensche)

-- "I just can't believe it. You must be the only guy in California with a 27-year-old girlfriend who's still a virgin." (Man to man, overheard at Peet's in Montclair by Jack Bannon).

Read the rest of the column here.

So I guess I'm kind of girly. Isn't that hot?

For those of you who know me, you're probably wondering why I'd title this post such a thing. The short answer is that I'm not talking myself, rather it was a guy describing himself in a Craigslist ad. The long answer is this:

I'M NOT MOST GUYS AND THAT IS MY PROBLEM - 24

i work with two lesbians and both of them regularly tell me that if i was a girl they would so want me
some of my dude friends have said the same thing
so i guess i'm kind of girly. isn't that hot?

not that i actually do this, but as a curious writing exercise this is what i came up with for my sleazy unwanted bar approach:
ooh yeah girl, lets go back to my place and you can hang upside down for a minute on my inversion rack. i'll feed us coffee-infused vanilla vodka, we'll listen to epic cosmic stoner rock from the 70s and then i'll give you this back rub hitting muscles you didn't know you had but i did because they're where chi moves away from the middle and i'll explain why you're thirsty after you get water for us and put ice in mine but forget you did that because we'll see the ice later and it's better as a surprise

i write, i read, i listen to music and i make it
i'm way pisces and usually prefer my world to the real one even if my world is just a couple stories thrown over the real one
most people sleep through their whole day. i usually do too, but the blanket i use has a couple of colors that haven't been invented yet.

my myspace with pictures to follow an email from you but i'm 6'1 and skinny and have brown eyes and brown hair that misbehaves in a comically jewish way

This post is one of the weirder ones I've read in a while. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think he was trying to be creative, but went way too far.

Bad Usernames: Part 4

It's time for another round of bad usernames. This one was prompted by the first on this list, fearmybooty, but spurred on by the sudden rash of names ending in "4U" and a few others that were too, um, good, to pass by.

• fearmybooty (Why? Does it smell? Are you going to sit on me? Let me go back to my first question: WHY?)

• BiG_FriGGiN_d (First off, what's with the mish-mash of upper and lower case? Second, am I supposed to be impressed that you said "friggin" instead of something else? Third, what does the "d" stand for, or do I even want to know?)

• TheRussMan4U (Lose the stupid nickname—"The Russ Man" might as well be something equally inane like "Big Man on Campus"—and the 4U and then we'll talk. Maybe.)

• basementcat4U (Is this meant to imply that you like cats that live in basements or that you are a cat who lives in a basement?)

• summerlover4U (What happens in the spring, autumn, and winter?)

• braziliandude4U (I think you are Brazilian, but what if you are trying to express your fondness for Brazilian waxes?)

• 5hourenergy (That's pathetic. Get some more sleep.)

• thierry4U (If you want to use your real name but someone has already taken it, don't add 4U onto the end of it, no matter what the dating site suggests. Try to muster up a little creativity and add something else, please.)

• itsrevolution4U (Who exactly owns this revolution?)

• coolboy4U (This sounds like the screenname a 13 year-old boy would pick for his AIM account.)

• loko4U (You coud at least spell "loco" correctly. That said, why would I want to date a crazy person?)

• sickallover (Well that just makes you sound so appealing…)

• bluecoller (I really hate to say this, but your username just fits one of the unfortunate stereotypes about blue collar workers.)

• STFUandKissMe (Nothing says I love you like this wonderful turn of phrase.)

When will they learn?

Busy week

It's been a busy week in the real world, which has meant a slow week here. Oops. That said, I did just reply to this ad I found on Craigslist.


LET'S OVERTHINK THIS - 28

I'm looking for someone who cocks her head to the side when she's looking at paintings, whether they're in museums, on the side of buildings or in sale bins at IKEA. Someone who smiles when she gets a song that she really likes stuck in her head. Someone who thinks sex is fun but a little bit absurd. Someone who will earnestly and vigorously defend her tastes, even if she's secretly a little bit embarrassed by them. Someone who likes to pick apart what she reads and sees, and sometimes gets a bit overwhelmed by all the thinking she does.

Who am I? I'm that one guy who winds up giving thoughtful answers to silly questions, uses really precise words to describe abstract concepts, who goes to concerts and closes his eyes and silently mouths the lyrics. I write, play music, spend my days commuting to the South Bay for work, bike, and go see all kinds of shows and art.

So, write me, tell me about the last thing you saw (book/movie/painting/fight on MUNI/speech) that made you think. Ask and I'll send a picture.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

It's a good question, posed by this guy from Craigslist:

LANGUAGE HAS FAILED, LET'S GIVE INTERPRETIVE DANCE A SHOT - 28

I'm so tired of speaking. My relationship with language has gotten far too intimate -- we know each other's secrets now, which is a bit scary, since I've never sure when the spoken word is going to fly off on a random tangent and start alliteratively exposing every embarrassing event in my life to someone I'm trying to impress. It's like that uncle you have who always gets drunk at the Christmas party and starts quizzing you in far too much detail about your sex life, and it's really uncomfortable because you don't want to be rude, but does he really need to know about your toy collection? No, he doesn't. And without words, none of this would even be an issue.

Complication: I still want to date. Anyone out there feel like getting together and grunting at each other? We can make elaborate hand gestures too, possibly even obscene ones (if you've ever seen Bjork describe something as "erotic", you'll know what I'm talking about), and see if we can communicate with looks -- a big plus if you have a killer eye-roll, though puppy-dog stares do make me melt.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

He saw his shadow? Oh well…

Alone Time

I turned on the radio a few minutes ago and was excited to find that the current program was "To the Best of Our Knowledge." After listening for a few minutes, I realized that the episode was about loneliness and being alone. This is a topic I've given a lot of thought in the last year or two as I've tried to find a partner with whom to share my life; however, the different segments discussed different elements of loneliness and it made me reflect on whether or not author John Cacioppo (Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection) would consider me "lonely." For all of my desires for a romantic relationship, I have lots of friends, confidants, acquaintances, family members, resources, etc. and all of those people give me so much that I couldn't possibly be really lonely.

To hear this interesting, thought-provoking program for yourself, click here.

As an example of a Craigslist guy who doesn't sound at all lonely:

A MIX OF CLINT, KEANU, AND BIG BIRD. - 20

Another use for the internet

I'm going to take a brief break from writing about online dating to share with you this lovely (read: horribly offensive) story I heard on the radio yesterday. I couldn't find the reference to it on the radio's website, but I was able to find the original story, courtesy of the New Zealand Herald.

KIWI BLOKES LOGGING ON TO PMS

Kiwi blokes who fear their partner's hormonal hissy-fits are keeping tabs on their "time of the month" with online reminders.

About 10,000 New Zealanders have signed up to American site PMSBuddy.com, which sends email warnings when Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) is due to hit.

The warnings are colour-coded with messages such as "she's on yellow - tread carefully, fella" wand the website claims to be "saving relationships one month at a time."

If you think you can handle it, read the rest here.

P.S. In searching for the story, I came across wikiHow's article entitled, "How to Deal with a Pre Menstrual Girlfriend".