Henry's gone

As some of you know, my relationship with Henry ended about three weeks ago. At seven and a half months, it was by far the longest relationship either of us had ever had. It was a sad break-up. He broke up with me, but I don't think it gave him any great joy to do it. We'd grown really close over those months and it was like breaking up with your best friend. He felt that we were drifting apart and that there wasn't anything we could do about it. On a good day, I find myself agreeing with him—there were a number of things we each wanted to do/were interested in that the other just couldn't muster any enthusiasm for and then there was the issue of time. I had oodles of it, not having been employed since June. He had much less, given that he spends two hours commuting plus eight hours at work. My eagerness to spend most or all of his free time with him became a strain and, even though I started to realize it in the last month of the relationship, neither of us said anything, so we allowed the stress to go unchecked.

I know that we're not going to get back together, but I also know that he's not looking for anyone new right now, and I find a lot of comfort in that. We're both still on the dating site, and we've both switched back to "single;" however, he told me last week (when I went over to his place to pick up my stuff) that he's just doing his thing and enjoying having the free time to do all of those things I never cared about (like brewing beer, experimenting with cooking meat, and programming projects galore).

I'm having a lot harder of a time, what with all of my free hours to sit around and get stuck in my thoughts. I've acknowledged that I was exceedingly lonely before I met Henry, and that I'm lonely all over again. I'm trying to find my single-girl footing, but I've realized that the things I was doing to fill all my time before (especially in the evenings) don't really appeal to me now. I'm just going to have to find new things, which is going to be hard, but necessary.

That all said, I was having dinner with my roommate and a friend the other night, when I decided that I really needed a laugh. I went to one of the best places for a laugh (which had somehow come up in conversation), Craigslist personals, and found some real gems. I'll be posting those in the next few days. I don't plan on looking seriously anytime in the next month or two (at least), but if someone finds me, we'll see.

Haircut

I got my hair cut on Friday—finally (it had been almost six months since the last haircut)—and am loving it. I noted this on facebook, and friends asked for pictures, so I took a few and uploaded one there. I also put it as my primary photo on the dating site.

Then my profile was viewed over 25 times in the eight hours following my upload. That's about five times as many profile views as I usually get in a day. I don't think it's that great of a photo, but apparently others do. Interesting. However, I only got one message, and that was from a guy in Europe. There's long-distance dating and then there's long-distance dating…

At least I didn't get a message from a guy like this:

~~KREEPY BOY SEEKS CREEPY GIRL TO GET WEIRD WITH.~~ - 30

Part-time partner in krime sought. Pay is terrible. Benefits delicious. Let's get weird.

You: Scarf. Hunching. Werewolf mask. Vintage hearing aid. Bad breath.
Me: Raised eyebrow. Silk rope. Firm hand. Cruel smile.


P.S. I've got my second date with Henry in an hour or so. Wish me luck!

Compatibility

There was another NPR piece that I was going to share with you in this post, but I can't seem to find it. Therefore, we'll have to make do with a Craigslist ad I found a couple of weeks ago:

FUN COMPATIBILITY TEST - 34

High maintenance / low maintenance
Mac / PC
NY Times / SF Chronicle
iPhone / Blackberry
Designer jeans / Levis
Yankees / Giants
Beach / Mountains / Vegas
Heels / flats
Moaner / Screamer / Talker
SUV / sports car / Green
Starbucks / Peet's
Banana Rep / Gap
Greasy Spoon / Sunday Jazz Brunch
Adult Films - tolerated / encouraged / not permitted
Simpsons / South Park
Full / French / Bikini / Thong / Camando [sic]
Single / Attached / Married

Wow. If this guy thinks these are the most important checks of compatibility, he's going to remain single a while longer.

The Drake Equation

If you aren't a devoted listener of This American Life, shame on you. It's amazing and everyone should listen to it. If you are, did you hear the most recent episode, "Somewhere Out There"? It's this year's Valentine's Day show and it has a number of stories about the trials and tribulations of love and relationships and pretty much skips out on the sort of lovey-dovey mushiness most V-Day shows typically air. Though the whole episode was great (as always), my favorite part was the story at the beginning of the program in which a man explains how he and his fellow physics grad students used math (specifically the Drake Equation) to determine the likelihood of finding the perfect mate. Please listen to it here and tell me what you think about their calculations and specifications.

Since I haven't put a silly end to my post in while, here's something from Craigslist that was too good to pass up. Today's oddity is brought you by the letter C:

CUPID…I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED - 32

You see, I like girls. cute ones. sexy ones. Not GAY MEN, so stop shooting them with your bow & arrow and then sending them my way. Especially, when I'm in the shower at the gym…I mean the guy with the rainbow flag tattooed on his ass. His glances were not furtive, homeboy was STARING!

Why can't you shoot the barista at the coffee shop who always smiles at me? Why can't you aim at any of these cute girls currently reading this ad?

Let's try this again.

Could I become a bar fly?

It's really interesting how my dislike of alcohol and, thus, my general disinterest in bars and clubs, has made it quite difficult to find and meet single men. Sure there are lots of other ways to meet people, but meeting new people at bars seems like something most twenty-somethings are good at. Therefore, I would like to announce that I've found a bar that I actually like. It's got half hour pizzas at happy hour (and they're really good too), nice staff, a good location, cool art on the walls, and lots of good places to hang out with friends or sit by oneself and read a book. I've been with co-workers twice, but yesterday I decided to go over on my own with a book, have some pizza, and just enjoy being somewhere other than my apartment. I plan to make this a regular Friday thing. It's a really nice way to unwind after a long week.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, you see, after an hour and a half or so of sitting there at the bar with my book, pizza, and non-alcoholic beverage, a guy sits down next to me. He doesn't look out of place, but it seemed like maybe he hadn't been there before. The waitress gave him a food menu and explained that the pizzas were half-price. I decided to go for it: I turned to him and made a pizza recommendation. We ended up talking for two hours.

Now, I'd like to point out that while it was flattering to have his attention, I don't think I'd really want to date this guy (let's call him James). Here are my reasons (and don't hesitate to comment and let me know if I'm being too petty):
- He's 38 (he told me about having recently been to his 20-year high school reunion).
- He's the father of a four year-old boy. There was no ring, so I'm guessing divorce, but I didn't ask.
- James drank about five glasses of Stella and had just started on his second bottle of Bud Light by the time I left (7 beers in 2 hours? Isn't that a lot?)
- He spends most of the week in San Jose, but comes up to San Francisco regularly. However, he travels for work A LOT
- James doesn't care about current events. We had a chat about this and we both agreed that the mainstream media is too full of depressing stories about violent deaths, wars, and the recession; however, we disagreed in that I still am a regular consumer of news, just from other sources.
- Going along with my previous point, I felt smarter than him, by quite a lot. I'm not sure if I could enjoy being with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal.

In the end, I gave him my card, mostly so I could pass along my Yelp reviews (he'd never heard of Yelp) since he seemed desperately in need of knowledge about where to go and what to do when he's in San Francisco. He asked me if he could call me and I said I prefer e-mail. We'll see. I'm not sure whether I would actually want to see him again. However, it was nice to have this kind of interaction. Perhaps next time it'll be with someone I definitely do want to see again.

Back to the online world for now. I'm probably going on a date tomorrow night with a guy from the dating site (he'll be Henry). We're both classical music fans and there's a cafe that has free classical music on Sunday nights that I've been meaning to check out for a while. I told him about it and he thought it sounded good. Henry gave me his number and I'm to call him to set up the date. I'll let you know how that goes.

Finally, because this post is already long, I'm going to make it a little longer by sharing with you this tidbit from Craigslist:

DATE ME NOW - 25

Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll hear if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!

I like bacon, I don't like clowns

Last night I found a surprisingly large amount of decent, readable ads on Craigslist. There are also a lot of desperate lads looking for a Valentine's Day date. However, two of those from the former category made me smile (though not enough for me to actually message them—unless you think I should).

NEW MOVIES AND NEW COUCH - 27

So I've got some new couches, and I want to watch a movie with some company. Obviously you're not going to come right away, cause I might be creepy, and you don't know that. But I'll have the couches for awhile, and the movies for a while. So maybe we can get some coffee, walk around and take in the summer all around us. 27, guy next door, good looking and professional. What do you say? Got a pic?

I liked this ad because it was more honest than most. I'm not sure what he means by "take in the summer" seeing as it's February, but he seems decent.

I LIKE BACON, I DON'T LIKE CLOWNS - 32

I like bacon. The only thing that might be better than bacon, are things wrapped in bacon. Shrimp, beef, even pork chops -- all good on their own. But you wrap them in bacon and then you really have something.

It's not that I'm all about the food. I'm actually in good shape (5'11", 190 lbs). It's just that I can't think of a better conversation starter in this medium. In person I can talk about all sorts of things: local/national politics, art, music, literature, and how all these things relate to bacon. I'm quite the raconteur. I am Jewish (but, uh, not very kosher), a recent home owner; I have a car which is silver and shiny (sometimes I use it to transport bacon to my home). I like to cook, dance, and travel.

Oh, and I don't like clowns. Clowns are scary. If you are a clown, please don't respond to this. Even if you like to wear lots of white makeup and a fake red nose, we probably won't get along.

This ad is a perfect example of how difficult it is to write a first message, profile, or response to a message/profile. What do you talk about? I like that he chose bacon and clowns; I may not share his sentiments on those things, but they were an interesting way to get me to read his ad.

So I guess I'm kind of girly. Isn't that hot?

For those of you who know me, you're probably wondering why I'd title this post such a thing. The short answer is that I'm not talking myself, rather it was a guy describing himself in a Craigslist ad. The long answer is this:

I'M NOT MOST GUYS AND THAT IS MY PROBLEM - 24

i work with two lesbians and both of them regularly tell me that if i was a girl they would so want me
some of my dude friends have said the same thing
so i guess i'm kind of girly. isn't that hot?

not that i actually do this, but as a curious writing exercise this is what i came up with for my sleazy unwanted bar approach:
ooh yeah girl, lets go back to my place and you can hang upside down for a minute on my inversion rack. i'll feed us coffee-infused vanilla vodka, we'll listen to epic cosmic stoner rock from the 70s and then i'll give you this back rub hitting muscles you didn't know you had but i did because they're where chi moves away from the middle and i'll explain why you're thirsty after you get water for us and put ice in mine but forget you did that because we'll see the ice later and it's better as a surprise

i write, i read, i listen to music and i make it
i'm way pisces and usually prefer my world to the real one even if my world is just a couple stories thrown over the real one
most people sleep through their whole day. i usually do too, but the blanket i use has a couple of colors that haven't been invented yet.

my myspace with pictures to follow an email from you but i'm 6'1 and skinny and have brown eyes and brown hair that misbehaves in a comically jewish way

This post is one of the weirder ones I've read in a while. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think he was trying to be creative, but went way too far.

Busy week

It's been a busy week in the real world, which has meant a slow week here. Oops. That said, I did just reply to this ad I found on Craigslist.


LET'S OVERTHINK THIS - 28

I'm looking for someone who cocks her head to the side when she's looking at paintings, whether they're in museums, on the side of buildings or in sale bins at IKEA. Someone who smiles when she gets a song that she really likes stuck in her head. Someone who thinks sex is fun but a little bit absurd. Someone who will earnestly and vigorously defend her tastes, even if she's secretly a little bit embarrassed by them. Someone who likes to pick apart what she reads and sees, and sometimes gets a bit overwhelmed by all the thinking she does.

Who am I? I'm that one guy who winds up giving thoughtful answers to silly questions, uses really precise words to describe abstract concepts, who goes to concerts and closes his eyes and silently mouths the lyrics. I write, play music, spend my days commuting to the South Bay for work, bike, and go see all kinds of shows and art.

So, write me, tell me about the last thing you saw (book/movie/painting/fight on MUNI/speech) that made you think. Ask and I'll send a picture.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

It's a good question, posed by this guy from Craigslist:

LANGUAGE HAS FAILED, LET'S GIVE INTERPRETIVE DANCE A SHOT - 28

I'm so tired of speaking. My relationship with language has gotten far too intimate -- we know each other's secrets now, which is a bit scary, since I've never sure when the spoken word is going to fly off on a random tangent and start alliteratively exposing every embarrassing event in my life to someone I'm trying to impress. It's like that uncle you have who always gets drunk at the Christmas party and starts quizzing you in far too much detail about your sex life, and it's really uncomfortable because you don't want to be rude, but does he really need to know about your toy collection? No, he doesn't. And without words, none of this would even be an issue.

Complication: I still want to date. Anyone out there feel like getting together and grunting at each other? We can make elaborate hand gestures too, possibly even obscene ones (if you've ever seen Bjork describe something as "erotic", you'll know what I'm talking about), and see if we can communicate with looks -- a big plus if you have a killer eye-roll, though puppy-dog stares do make me melt.

What about words makes you want to take a vow of silence?

Alone Time

I turned on the radio a few minutes ago and was excited to find that the current program was "To the Best of Our Knowledge." After listening for a few minutes, I realized that the episode was about loneliness and being alone. This is a topic I've given a lot of thought in the last year or two as I've tried to find a partner with whom to share my life; however, the different segments discussed different elements of loneliness and it made me reflect on whether or not author John Cacioppo (Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection) would consider me "lonely." For all of my desires for a romantic relationship, I have lots of friends, confidants, acquaintances, family members, resources, etc. and all of those people give me so much that I couldn't possibly be really lonely.

To hear this interesting, thought-provoking program for yourself, click here.

As an example of a Craigslist guy who doesn't sound at all lonely:

A MIX OF CLINT, KEANU, AND BIG BIRD. - 20

Girlfriend Application

Having had a conversation yesterday about what is and isn't important in a partner, I thought that this was an interesting—albeit ridiculous—way to determine relationship potential. I find #9 rather offensive. What do you think of this list?

GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION - 26

1. Who did you vote for president? Why?

2. How close to your family are you? If not, why not?

3. What are your favorite tv shows and movies?

4. How often do you work out? How healthy are you?

5. What is your body type?

6. Describe your perfect date.....

7. What is your occupation? What is your ideal occupation?

8. School??? Done? Going? Future?

9. Why are you single now?

10. What annoys you the most about the opposite sex?

11. What is your favorite feature on me?

12. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

13. Are you religious? Explain..

14. Where have you traveled? Where do you want to travel?

15. Name 3 things that you must have in a relationship:

16. Have any kids? Ever been engaged? Married?

17. Name 3 things that you love about yourself?

I am fortunate enough to be the perfect age of 26 where I am mature and successful enough to be ready for a real quality relationship and at the same time young and energetic enough to make new friends and travel buddies without the deep involvement. So I am open to anything really. A girl that is fit or slim/petite is important to me as I am super fit. I take pride in my body and hopefully you do as well. Living with the deaths of my mother and best friend it is important to have a girl that is caring and cheerful most days. I just love living life happy and not dwelling on anything negative. No “Debbie Downers”! No drugs.

Thanks for the wonderful advice

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. You all provided me with lots of good advice and I think you're all spot on. Ken is severely lacking in tact, but my great desire to go to Philip Glass overrode my intuition; it took your comments to pull me back to reality. I've not heard from him for a number of days, so I think it's safe to say he's no longer interested. Frankly, I'm not either.

Here's your Craigslist silly for the day:

I WANT YOU TO LAMBADA ALL OVER MY FACE - 31

Is that too forward?

Maybe I should have said something like, "looking for a partner in crime," but we'll probably get arrested for being too awesome. (Is that even possible?)

I'm not trying to sell you anything (email me, email me, email me.) I'm just here to tell you that there are good, decent guys on CL and that you should give them a chance (by "them" I mean me) who are open to exploring all sorts of wonderful things (like lambada face dancing.)

Anyway, I can go on and on about what I'm all about but all I'll say is that I'm loyal, good hearted, respectful, humorous, and stable.

I'm confident that you will consider my attempt to gain your attention as commendable and what has transpired over the course of this ad will be talked about for generations to come (I'm also great at bullshitting.)

If you like funny, smart, sexy, interesting guys with a heart of gold you should contact me (I'll forward your email to someone that fits that description.)

Just kidding.

Bye.


P.S. If you're still reading (hint, hint, Lanafactrix), you could totally make my day by becoming a follower of my blog. To the six of you who already have: Thanks!

MWP (Most Worthwhile Person)

On Sunday I read a Craigslist that, for once, actually sounded promising. See for yourself:

PHILIP GLASS IN FEBRUARY. MY TREAT, WHO WANTS TO GO? - 23

Who would like to go to Philip Glass on Feb. 16th? My treat, would be nice having company to enjoy the performance with. I'm a normal guy, young professional, enjoy hanging out with all kinds of people. Your pic gets mine.

Now, for those of you who don't me (or, perhaps, even those of you who do), I really like Philip Glass. I'm not a Glass junkie, but I've heard my fair share. However, I've never heard any of his pieces live. Some of you may be thinking, "She just wrote that post about not wanting to date someone younger than her, so why is she considering this one?" I guess my answer to that is: It's Philip Glass, someone else would be paying for my ticket, and I'd get to meet someone new.

I responded and have exchanged a couple e-mails with the guy (let's call him Ken), but last I heard from him he said:

Not sure about the concert yet, you definitely sound like the most worthwhile person to talk to about the music. Regardless, it would be fun to meet up for coffee or a drink sometime to discuss music and other random things. Not often get to meet an SF native.

I told him to keep me posted on the concert and that I'd still be up for coffee regardless, but now I'm wondering if that was the right thing to say. If I'm the "most worthwhile," why isn't he sure that I should be the one to accompany him? Should I keep in touch with guy? Or is the MWP comment more offensive than I originally read it?

At least I know I can ignore this guy:

ARE YOU A HOT MESS? ME TOO!

So I am a very energy passionate fellow who is chipper and full of good cheer however I can honestly say I am one of the most complicated men you'll ever meet in terms of richness, texture, depth, and various shades of color.

I tend to view life in a kaleidoscopic wide angle lens and have a fascination in the interesting often overlooked mundane parts of our existence. I can delight in the absurd and dabble in the ridiculous and would love to share my slightly askew and yet perfectly sane perspective observations and adventures.

If you are even slightly intrigued and wish to learn more or just share a few thoughts of your own I invite your response.

If CL Personals were a fast food restaurant

I've got some personal stories and thoughts to post soon, but I really want to share with you, dear readers, this Craigslist ad I just found:

IF CL PERSONALS WERE A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - 33

CL: Welcome to Craiglist's Personals, can I take your order?

Me: Uh, yeah, I'll have a smart, late-20's to mid-30's, physically active woman please.

CL: Short, medium, or tall?

Me: What's short?

CL: Short is 5'2" or shorter, medium is 5'2" to 5'8", and tall is 5'8" or taller.

Me: I'll take either short or medium, whatever you have in stock.

CL: Okay, short or medium it is... hair color?

Me: Well, it doesn't really matter

CL: Okay. Do you want to meet for drinks and dinner, or just the standard coffee/tea and engaging conversation?

Me: Hmm... I can meet for coffee, and then get to the dinner if it turns out to be fun. Going to an art gallery afterwards will work great too

CL: Okay, your total comes out to... a short description of yourself.

Me: Um, okay... white/Latin, 33, hot, fit, fun, fearless.

CL: I'm sorry, we've run out of short/medium women looking for hot white/Latin men. All we have are flakes, spammers, and men posing as women. Do you want one of those, or maybe something else?

Me: Damn it. Okay. Any tall women looking for a connection?

CL: Let me check... nope, no tall women either.

Me: Ugh... are the flakes any cute?

CL: Escorts? Did I say flakes? I'm sorry sir, they just canceled them from the menu at the last minute

Me: Okay then, I'll just try again later...

CL: Well, okay, thanks for coming to Craigslist's Personals!

The moral of the story is: If you'd describe yourself as a luscious, full-course, delectable dinner instead of a fast-food item, by all means send me an email to place your order! Your total will come out to...a picture and a description of yourself! =)

Man-years

Last night I went on a date with Ryan. I'll write more about the date in a moment, but first I want to discuss the issue of age. Ryan's 30 and I'm 24, and that may seem like a fairly wide gap to some people. My answer to that: it's not a big gap when you're dealing in man-years. Man-years are like dog-years or cat years except where for animals a lower number of years corresponds to an older age, for men the lower the number, the lower the age. Although this has yet to be scientifically proven, I believe that to find man-years you must subtract five or six years from his biological years (BY) to determine his man-years (MY) There are always exceptions of course, but I think this formula works pretty well for the guys with whom I've gone on a date in the last year.

Ryan: BY: 30; MY: 24-25
Sandy: BY: 25; MY: 19-20
Wally: BY: 25; MY: Who knows? He was a really boring date.
Richard: BY: 30; MY: 24-25
Greg: BY: 33; MY: 27
Dan: BY: 24; MY: 22 (for the most part, though sometimes he seemed more like 19)
Carl: BY: 24; MY: 18
Eli: BY: 25; MY: 55 (big exception, I know, but it's really true)

So the date was fine, but nothing special. The whole point of the date was to try a Thai place that neither of us had been to and we did just that. We were able to keep conversation going for over an hour, so that's good, and I'd be up for trying another Thai place with him again; however, there wasn't any chemistry to speak of so if we were to go out again, it would just be as friends. As we left to go our separate ways, he said he'd call me. If he does, great. If he doesn't, whatever.

I'll leave you with this lovely ad from Craigslist:

WHORE'S GALORE IN THIS FORUM - 35

Just spam, fake and ugly third class woman here. There is no hope of any connection here.

I was almost tempted to message him just for kicks, but this guy clearly isn't worth even that little bit of effort.

Real Simple's "Love Rules" - Part 3

9. Love conquers all.
Love can withstand many hardships, but, as sociologist Pepper Schwartz writes, "Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse." And it doesn't take something so severe either, as personal-development expert Barbara De Angelis says, "Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required."

10. Everyone experiences the seven-year itch.
Who says it takes seven years? I think at some point in most relationships there's going to be a temptation to split up or start seeing someone on the side. Whether or not that temptation is acted on is up to the couple and how hard they're willing to work to keep the relationship going. Psychologist Howard Markman would agree with me I think, as he states: "The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship."

11. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
As much as I wish this were true—I fancy myself a pretty good cook and like making food for guys—I don't think it usually is. "It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled," writes sex-therapist Judy Kuriansky. Ideally, my partner would want to cook with me and have the same skill-level that I do; there's something incredibly attractive about cooking together that I'd like to experience again.

Thus concludes my response to Real Simple's article. Are there any "love rules" that you've heard that I didn't include here? I'd love to know.

Finally, because a day doesn't go by that I don't find something truly ridiculous on Craigslist, here's your daily funny:

SURREALITY CHECK: DOES YOUR ASS EXIST WHEN NO ONE'S CHECKING IT OUT?

or is it Schroedinger's Ass?

For a clever answer, a professional asstimator will consider postmodern drinks.

Real Simple's "Love Rules"

In the issue of Real Simple delivered to my apartment today, there's an article ("Love Rules") which examines common beliefs about love and relationships. They picked 13 "rules" and then had nine "experts"—including a founder of the dating site I use—discuss them. Since some are about marriage and/or kids, I will exclude those from my musings; I will, however, work through about ten over the next few days. Here are the first four.

1. Say "I love you" every day.
I think this is really important but, as psychologist Nancy Kalish says in the article, "it should be said often but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.” I think this is a good thing to keep in mind for a lot of words and phrases (curse words, in particular).

2. Play hard to get.
What's the point? I'm not in the business of wasting people's time. I completely agree with Sam Yagan, the co-founder of an online dating service: "Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?"

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Short absences, perhaps. Long-term ones, I don't know. If we're talking a business trip or vacation, something with a definite end, I think I could handle it. If it's a nebulous, "I'll be away for a while and I don't know when I'll return" kind of thing, I think I'd have to do some serious soul-searching (as would, I think, the other person in the relationship).

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz had this to say on the matter: "To a point—and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect."

4. You can learn to love someone.
I'm going to agree with Greg Behrendt (co-author of He's Just Not That Into You) on this one: "No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with." I think this is how I felt about Sandy. I really wanted to be in a relationship with him and he was giving signs that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I fooled myself into thinking that it would be great, but really I don't think it ever would have moved from like to love.

Next time I'll tackle these points:

5. Never go to bed angry.
6. There is such a thing as love at first sight.
7. Always keep him guessing.
8. You can never be too close.

Until then, I'll leave you with yet another reference to cougars. It's a title of a Craigslist post that I came upon tonight: TENDER PREY WAITING FOR A HUNGRY COUGAR - 35. What is it with cougars all of a sudden?

Thai Food and Cougars

In my unofficial quest to message one new person every day, I messaged a guy from the dating site who said on his profile that he's trying to find the best Thai food in the city. This being a topic I know a lot about, I wrote him to say that I'm always looking for good Thai food and asked if he'd like to join forces and look together. I also sent him the link to my Yelp list of Thai places I've reviewed.

Lo and behold, I got a response from him—he'll be Ryan on this blog. We've bandied a list of places to try back and forth, and it looks like will be going out on Saturday. I like that there's a point to the date (try to find some good Thai food) but that there's been nothing personal to our e-mails. If we hit it off, great. If we don't, at least we get to share a meal with someone new. Oh, and if we do like each other, there are at least 100 more Thai restaurants in the city…

In other news, the San Francisco Chronicle ran a story in yesterday's Living section entitled "Cougars—unyoung women on the prowl." The article describes a singles event ($10 admission fee) for women over 50 and the (primarily) younger men who wanted to date them. My parents are almost 10 years apart, but, as my mom recently put it, she'd "been around the block a few times" before she met my dad and was, at that point ready to settle down. That said, my dad is the older one, not the other way around. This is all to say that I grew up knowing that I might find someone who was perfect for me that was not exactly my age.

However, as I read this article and looked at the accompanying photos, the only thought I had was: "These women are old enough to be the mothers of these guys." I don't know about you, but this just makes me uncomfortable. I watched "You've Got Mail" yesterday—more on that soon—but the whole "Annabelle is my sister and Matt is my uncle" part is completely unnerving. I don't think I could handle knowing that a friend of mine was dating a woman old enough to be my mom.

What do you, my lovely readers, think?

Finally, for today's interesting CL ad:

WOMAN, CREAM PIE, FLAT TIRE, CANNIBALISM, PANHANDLING

Don't think too much about subject line, it performed its function.

Looking for a girl to do Things with. The usual quals … clever, passionate, sexy, slender. Extra turn-ons: nonconsumers, manageably insane, off-shore breeds.

Me - tall, fit, driven, with a taste for improbable designs and chocolate.

So many false hopes

I didn't set out to do this, but since Wednesday I've messaged a new person every day on the dating site. I'm really trying to make something work, to find someone, to put myself out there, but I'm really not having any luck. It's disheartening to say the least.

On Wednesday, it was a guy who said he likes to travel and he listed hummus as one of the six things he can't do without. Of all the things people list in the "six things" section, hummus is not at all common. Food sure, but such a particular thing as hummus struck me as interesting. Plus, I really like travel and hummus. No response though.

Later that night I messaged the Katie/Jennifer guy. I haven't heard from him.

On Thursday, I read a profile that specified wanting a "partner in crime" among other things. I sent him a note that simply said, "If I were your partner in crime, what crimes would we commit?" Sadly, I never found out.

I opened my inbox on Friday to find that a new user (of the dating site) and looked at my profile and rated me favorably. I'd looked at his profile a few days before, but he'd only written a little bit in his self summary; I didn't really feel I knew enough about him to warrant a message. However, I decided to write him after his rating of me. I kept it short, responding to a comment in his profile about liking to find new music. Again, no response.

Then, right as I was about to log off and go to bed, an IM came through. I politely told him as much, but said I'd be happy to get a message from him.

Tonight, I think I'll message this guy who posted his ad on Craigslist this afternoon.

CUDDLING AND CUPCAKES - 29

My ideal Saturday night does not involve crowded clubs or loud dance floors. I would like to find a good cuddler to relax and watch a movie by the fireplace on this warm evening. There may be cupcakes involved if the timing is right, or really good dark chocolate as a fallback.

Do you have the cuddling skills to win a gold medal at the cuddle olympics? Do you offset all of China's human rights violations with your ability to relax and show affection?

You might be an olympic cuddler if:

1. You evaluate a lululemon wardrobe based on its cuddle versatility.
2. Your 27th pose involves melting into someone else and relaxing for the evening.
3. You understand human anatomy well enough to know my arms appreciate blood flow.
4. A cold day prompts images of a warm fire and a pile of blankets.
5. When you see a cute kitten you want to hold it gently as it nuzzles against you.
6. You enjoy relaxing to the sound of a heart beat.

Are you not quite at the olympic level of cuddling greatness? You will also improve your movie knowledge with such hilarious one-liners as:

• "Orange mocha frappuccinos!"
• "You need to be kissed. And often. And by someone who knows how!"
• "It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men."
• "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"

Cuddling training sessions include chocolate. Worldly, dark, complex chocolates (I just got some good stuff from Madagascar). Act now and you may also enjoy some nice wine!

So why are you home alone on a Saturday night? What would you ideally like to be doing with your night instead? What is your olympic cuddling training regimen?

I am 29, single, and live in the SoMa district of San Francisco. I rented Hot Fuzz and I would like to see Revolutionary Road in the theater. I have many other movies and am not averse to on-demand rentals. I work hard, have a creative side, and appreciate the cool variety San Francisco has to offer.

What do you have planned for your long weekend? Any resolutions you would like to cross off early? Qualification rounds begin shortly.

Who doesn't like cuddling and cupcakes? I know I do.

Katie or Jennifer

I found this ad on Craigslist tonight and decided to be spontaneous and respond. Why not? It's an interesting premise, at the very least. With any luck, his name won't start with D…

KATIE OR JENNIFER - 33

So I've never dated anyone named Katie or Jennifer. But it seems that I keep meeting women named Katie or Jen, and I'm always attracted to them, and all are always taken. So, I know there must be a single Katie or Jen out there somewhere.

I'm single, fit, never married, no kids, don't smoke, responsible, easy on the eyes, more Mission than Marina, not rich, not broke, wine with dinner, beer at the bar, etc. etc...

So Katie, Kat, or Kate... And Jennifer, Jen, or Jenn. If you are out there, let me know...

Also, if your name doesn't start with a "K" or a "J", and you want to contact me, I won't hold it against you.