This Could Be You

Well, yes, it could, but it won't. Is there anyone out there who would be excited by this? (Note: I blurred it a bit and made it grayscale to somewhat obscure his identity.)

Oh, but it gets better. This [insert your favorite derogatory male name here] thinks he can win us over with this profile pic:

A Message From the Prince of Persia

Well, not quite, but he is from Tehran. He sent me this message last night, exactly as it appears below. I can't even begin to say how much I wish he lived here so we could be together forever…

hello [my username],
It will be pitty if we just visit a profile and not drop a line..
please let me to taste happiness by your friendship.
My dear sweet angel ,I feel you in heart and it made me warm and alive..
here is my email: [removed for privacy]
I wait to hear from you.life is short,let don't lose the opportunity.
yours for ever

[first name here]

"from Ralf Waldo Emerson:The only way to have a friend is to be a one"

I Don't Know What To Say About This

I just received a message from a guy who lives in SF, is near to my age, but couldn't be further from my tastes—I don't think. Since I've decided not to post people's real usernames anymore (I got in a spot of trouble for that last spring), let's just say his name was something like RavenousHOTbear and his profile picture is of a black bear.

The message read:

I really want to get to know you. Being a Bear, It isnt easy you know!!!!!GGRRRRRRRRRR

So I looked him up and found the first sentences of his profile. I've pasted them below with the first two adjectives replaced so as to protect his identity (though why I really feel the need to protect this guy's identity is beyond me).

Grrrrrr... I'm a [Ravenousss], [Hotttttt] Bearrr. Uhh, yeah. So I live in a cave but I totally am looking for that Perfect Honeeeyyy. I'm not into DUDES who don't shave. I am talking to you there Beg Burly BOB. Anywhoo.....

All I can conclude is that this guy is a total weirdo. At least he made me laugh…

Wowwwwwwwwwww!!!

I guess this is meant to be flattering, but I'll let you decide:

Subject Line: Wowwwwwwwwwww!!!
Message: Look at youuuuuuuu…
Do you have any idea how could there be so much beauty and sexiness in one person?

Soulja Boy

I've been talking a lot recently with friends about the lists some people keep in mind when looking for a mate. While most seem to agree that having a list is pretty silly—one never knows what is going to lead to love—I do have a few desires that I can't seem to get past. On an early post I talked about liking it when a guy is taller than me and I've certainly mentioned my dislike of drug users. There's one trait though that I've never discussed, in large part because it is more political and I've tried to leave politics out of this blog. Given the prevalence of people who fit into this category, however, I feel I should address it. So, here goes.

The second I find out someone has been in the military, I immediately discredit him as a potential mate. Yes, that's right: I discriminate against soldiers, airmen, marines, etc. While I realize that the military can teach a lot of amazing skills, I don't support the government and its military decisions. As much as I would like to say this is true only for the people who joined while Bush was president, I don't think it is. My grandfather was a conscientious objector in WWII and, after doing a report on him and this designation when I was in high school, I've always felt that were I drafted, I would seek conscientious objector status as well. Therefore, I do not think that I could be in a relationship with someone who willingly joined the armed services, especially if he did so while Bush was in office.

What do you think about this? I'd love to know your opinions on this matter.

Irrational Fear of Possums

Aack! I can't believe I've not posted for four days. It's not the greatest excuse, but I've been going back and forth between my place and my parents' and my routines (including posting to this blog) have been obliterated.

Anyways, I heard last week from a guy (yet another guy whose name starts with D) who lives far away, but grew up in the area and is trying to move back here. He wondered if I might be up for hanging out while he was in town for the holidays. After much hemming and hawing and consultation of friends, I decided to go ahead and e-mail him back. In the last week we've exchanged numerous messages and he seems cool. At this point, friendly-cool, but I'll take that. We're going to meet on Saturday for chai and board games at a favorite cafe of mine. I feel like there's nothing to lose, so hopefully I'll only gain from the experience.

Tomorrow is my one-year anniversary of online dating, so I'll be writing a big post about that. Until then, check this out:

"I'm going to do this as a series of random thoughts- I have no appendix…I am enamored with my own abdominal muscles…I have extensively modified my epidermis…I think White Castle cheeseburgers are quite possible the greatest food in existance…I have an irrational fear of possums…I like anything stereotypically punk-rock (ie. cheap beer, loud/fast music, women with excessive eyeliner, etc.)…I am a huge nerd, and hence, love nerdy chicks…" (Witsch-Boy)

Where are all the nerds?

This lovely dating-site journal entry comes from katastrofei:

Why are there no nerds? WHY? Seems like Portland collected them all in a tight, hipster bundle and possesses them like a jealous mistress. Ironic, that. Might be the only mistress we ever have.

Seriously though: I want to play some frakkin Magic, roll some ridiculously sided dice and relax to the bips and beeps of a video game symphony. LA had a distinct poverty of qualified nerds, and in San Francisco, it seems, they all hide in the East Bay. Guess I need to buy myself a BART pass and haul dice.

On the other hand, I could just play on the trapeze. That I now posses. In my loft....but I'd rather play Apples to Apples.


A trapeze-swinging, Apples-to-Apples-playing, dice-rolling, video-game-playing hipster… hmm.

Honestly, I'm a bum.

As I have said before, writing a good online profile or ad is really pretty hard. One wants to draw others in with wit/humor, intelligence (in whatever degree one thinks others will find attractive), and enough personal details to give readers a sense of who one really is.

So, that said, a lot of people seem to have trouble with this.

Example #1 (For the dating site prompt "What I'm Doing With My Life"):
Honestly, I'm a bum. I might look all legit since I have a job, car, steady paycheck, health insurance, haircut, selection of fine wines, penchant for art deco furniture, and unwavering balance, but still just a bum.

Example #2 (A self-summary I sure hope has been re-written since this user first joined the site):
Just moved to the bay area from Georgia originally from so cal was in ga for school im deathly afraid of clowns (seriously) my name is johanan but most people call me joe, mutt, or clown boy i hate snakes but want to buy a baby boa i love surfing, skating, snowboarding, and wakeboarding i play video games (sometimes, its not my life) im a book worm. id rather read books then watch movies i hate cell phones and would live completely without one but its necessary to have i love sushi…

Example #3 (Another self-summary):
6" defines me darkness all over this one but still shines under pale skin headstands are my usual every other day routine alternate states are in favorites without taking it, risks are worthless so is life without risks i am brave and vulnerable but that makes me stronger i am sensitive cause i am smart i can feel everything but feelings are all relative

I really like tall guys; HOWEVER I really don't feel comfortable with tall guys who don't realize that " stands for inches, not feet.

Attention Shoppers…

Does this guy sound like a spaz or is it just me?

ATTENTION SHOPPERS… FOR A LIMITED TIME - 28

Generally speaking, the townspeople do not chase me with torches; I dont make children cry and animals like me. Phew! Aren't you relieved?
My basic stats? 6ft and 175lbs, black hair and brown eyes. I take care of myself. I'm 28. I like to joke, laugh and be silly. I'm pretty optimistic and I enjoy meeting people. The zoo? I like the zoo…I like the museum too…I like a lot of things…outdoors and indoors. Oh, and I've been known to go out on a school night, oh my!
You? Height/weight proportional and you want to have some fun, laugh and joke and enjoy life…spontaneity, passion are a must. So what are you waiting for? Your pic gets mine

Oh Craigslist, you never cease to amaze!

An unnatural love of bacon

Velcro4's going to be out of town for the holidays, so the chances of losing momentum and never going on a date are quite high. If there's one thing that I've learned in this year of online dating, it's that optimism only goes so far.

For today's oddity, I've chosen a bit from JimClak's profile:

"I really don't like filling these things out. Let's see, I drink much more coffee than is healthy, I smoke an amazing amount of cigarettes per day, and I have an unnatural love of bacon. I also studied holistic health for a year."

I never understand people like this: they've studied health, and yet their lives are anything but healthy. Can anyone explain this to me?

Oh Craigslist, how I love thee…

I found this ad on Friday night. Wow. Just wow.


I <3 monster chicks - 26 First of all, this post is real. I don't remember the name, but I saw an old movie where a priest consummated with a demon and gave rise to a scary, infernal, and totally awesome kid. I believe in magic the gathering, the unseen, fairy tales, and the supernatural; and I believe in you, girl. I'm a sam, Asian, and you're an smf, sdf, or whatever you call yourself. Skin of crimson, skin of onyx, horns, fangs, wings, venom, or flame - any or all of your charms figure skate across the surface of our attraction. Maybe you drink blood. Maybe you eat people. I'm okay with that. I drink water. I eat plants. Our meals together see the most interesting of table fare. Whether you live in SF or literally have hellish commutes, we can hang out here, there, or anywhere - the beauty is that amusement and novelty spring up wherever we're together. Although it would be rad to have a demon jr. running around, neither you nor I are rash to skip the swanboat ride and hurtle straight into the tunnel of love. We'll initially just see how we click. Perhaps by late winter we'll be strolling the fields, baskets in our arms, unearthing poisonous toads for you to turn into potions. As our companionship warms up to the Bay Area summer, you may save me from a shark by ripping it apart with your talons. I have several degrees. You have about 800, in your scorching breath. I walk and see people on Powell. You stalk and leave people disemboweled. Our blend of personalities scrawls out sheet music for the diabolical symphony that we clang and crash throughout SF.

hand for claw, pic for pic

Being sick definitely makes one feel less attractive

If I hadn't been too tired to type, the cold that I got on Wednesday would have been enough to keep me from messaging/viewing profiles/posting here. The fact of the matter is, I feel gross and that makes me feel completely unattractive in every possible way. Who'd want to start dating a sniffling, coughing, sleepy girl who has gone without a shower for too long? No one.

Therefore, after not hearing back from Derek on Tuesday, I decided to message velcro4, a guy on the dating site who has interested me for a while. I might not have messaged, but he'd just looked at my profile, so I figured it was worth a shot. As I waited for a reply, I got this cold and I pretty much forgot about velcro4.

Then he responded last night. Hurrah! That said, I couldn't muster up enough energy to write him back until a few minutes ago. I have to say though, this is one of the best things about online dating. One can be horribly sick, but no one's the wiser. The guys sitting in front of their computers don't know that I'm subsisting on tea and cough drops. This, in comparison to meeting guys at a club/concert/bar/etc—I wouldn't be up to going to any of those places in this state.

I can say with complete certainty that no matter how good or bad I may feel about myself or whether or not his self summary is a parody, I will not be messaging Spiritof76:

"I am hella cool. Hella. Like, how much cooler can you get than online dating, right? I mean it's not like I need to be on the internet to meet ladies, obviously, I'm just really down with the information super highway, and want to do what I can to support electronic mass media. Go world wide web! I'm behind you all thew ay. So I'd really like to meet a gal who's shares my enthusiasm for technology. Also, I rock a yarmulka, which, as everyone knows, is about the coolest, hippest thing around…"

Wishful thinking

I think I did put Derek off. I've not heard from him since yesterday morning, but I've seen him online so I know he got my one line message this afternoon: "Still up for tomorrow?" Oh well.

In slightly more interesting and amusing news, NPR's "All Things Considered" did a couple of pieces on online dating today. Check them out here and here.

Finally, a bit of bizarre from the profile of simplenough:

You should message me if:
you're a homosexual black Jewish pre-op transwoman with poor eyesight. Erm… I think I just realized why no one messages me. :/
What I'm doing with my life:
I plan on opening a business in the area of "software entertainment" ('tis a euphamism lolz). I hunger for power. Mine is an evil laugh.

aww shucks

"i just turned 36, so i guess i shouldnt be messaging you
:-0
but my screen says to contact 'Contact 5 new strangers'
and well, i picked you, now for a question, do you karaoke?
;-D"

This was the rather amusing message I got yesterday. Even if he wasn't 36, I really don't think I could go for a guy who uses smiley faces in excess and is into karaoke.

He was a perfect gentleman

but there was zero chemistry. Zero. That said, it was a nice excuse to get out, eat some good Japanese food, and see a movie with someone new. Plus, he gave me a ride home, which, given the weather, was quite nice.

He's interested in seeing the opera, so perhaps I'll go with him to the opera sometime, but otherwise, I think I'll move on to the Craigslist guy. I'm off to try to write a response worthy of his post…

Before I go though, here's an interesting view on life from Nate1112:

"Life is about to get entirely too boring in a few weeks, or possibly totally awesome; but surely not somewhere between the two. Getting a real job is going to be about as fun as cleaning up the bathroom floor after a toilet overflow. On the other hand sitting on a 40k a year job, yes I don't like to set high goals, could offer up the lifestyle of a king who rules a small country, especially living with roommates…"

Word from Wally

So I heard back from Wally—receiving any response at all is usually a cause for celebration—and he sounds really cool. I don't have too many plans for the weekend, so perhaps the two of us might be able to meet…

A quick bit of silliness from someone calling himself "babychipmunk":

"Ive always been young at heart, and I use the term loosley. Throughout my years on this planet, I've applied my creativity to every aspect of my life. Im what they call an AB or Adult Baby. ABism didnt actually become a corner stone til later on. I enjoy the euphoric escapism and returning to that state of innocence. I also appreciate furry or babyfur art since I have a soft spot for that sorda thing. In relation, Im an obsessive fan of Sonic the Hedgehog…"

Shizznisel-snip snap

I got a good one (from Wally). I'm way too tired to answer it tonight—let alone write anything more about it here—but I will tomorrow. Until then, how about a funny bit from a fellow named hubert707:

"well well well what can i tell u perves that will make u happy....ummmmm the hottest outfit a girl can wear is a wife-beater in the morning with no makeup on and boy shorts that right their is the shizznisel-snip snap."

Oooh…perhaps I really will message this one

For all my sarcasm and snark, I do still use the dating site for its intended purpose: trying to find someone I might want to meet and, if all goes well, date. This morning, when I logged in, there was a profile snippet of a new user whom I will call Wally (username: World-At-Large). He sounded cool, so I looked at his entire profile and discovered that we have a ton in common, but enough differences to keep things interesting. According to our site, we are an incredibly high match; I think I'll message him…

And now for your diversion:

"I'm a very sensual being, I enjoy being in my body and exploring it in many ways. I enjoy using my mind also, but try to stay in body more than in my thoughts. I have a deep Love for the innocence of the human race and a disgust for the dark side of humans that has created so much war on ourselves and the planet." (EroticTouch)

You should message me if…

The dating site has a profile section that is titled that way and it can be very interesting to read what people say. Here are some examples:

"…you are selling a medium to large sized bust of Chairman Mao made out of opaque white glass. (I don't particularly admire the man. I just want to turn him into a lamp and/or use him as a hat model.) If not that, just message me if, you know, we are some what statistically compatible." (m3rm3r)

"You feel it…isnt that what it starts with? And if my description on here isn't too vague for you and you might be interested in actually getting to know me.Or,you're curious..Please just be at least 95% intelligent..I would go for 100% but let's be realistic." (lyesus)

"You don't want to borrow money off of me. --OR-- You need emergency medical assistance and there's no one else to call you an ambulance. I'll get right on it! --OR-- You want to borrow money off of me. Guess I'm just fickle like that! ;)" (Blah McJones)

"You feel able to converse with me and you kick ass. You know who you are. Everyone jokes that they kick ass but most know, deep down inside, that they truly kick nothing. Would you call yourself giggly? Yep . . . not kicking ass. Also you should have no harsh feelings about my open support of casual sex. My wang is mine and I'll use it however I want and I respect your right to use your junk however you see fitting as well!" (386643)

I'm a little concerned about the ambulance guy. If I'm in need of an ambulance, I don't think I'm going to IMing a random guy on a dating site so that he can call an ambulance… Oh, and all of the statements are copied exactly as they were written—no matter how bad the punctuation and/or spelling.

Kittens

I like kittens. They're cute, silly, and frequently cuddly. I don't, however, like being compared to a kitten:

"I like my women like I like my kittens: active, playful, and just dependent enough to cuddle and take naps with me. Litterbox-trained goes without saying, of course. (I now have two wonderful little kittens, and I love them dearly.)

"Physical fitness and hygiene are important. My kittens lick their butts—and I'm not saying you should too (though I'd be rather impressed if you could!), but I expect you to keep yourself clean. I'm clean and fit, and it's unlikely I would be interested in someone who is dirty, or in someone who is not in some very vague realm of fitness."

Thanks, crazy guy, for that interesting perspective. (I'm not going to post his username because, though this is totally weird, I'm pretty sure it's actually his name.)