It's me! Every guy you've ever dated!

I've not had much luck with Craigslist, which is to say that though I've exchanged a few e-mails with both guys I've "met" from there, I've never gone on a date from Craigslist. However, it continues to be a great source of amusement so I keep looking. Earlier in the week, I found this wonderfully written post. You really have to read it all the way through, so stick with it. I think it's worth it though, and I'll probably message him tomorrow.

"Hello! Its me! You know, the guy from last weekend! Its nice to talk to you again. I’m sorry my picture on the eHarmony ad was four years out of date, but I’m roughly the same weight I was then, give or take 15 pounds and a beard, so no worries. Also, I’m sorry I’m twenty minutes late for our date. My car wouldn’t start because I haven’t changed the oil in 12,000 miles or even checked it once for that matter, so I had to take MUNI over to your place. I’ll let you know, there were some stinky people on that bus! I think some of that funk rubbed off on me, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t changed my boxer shorts in a week, one of the two I guess. I never come to the Mission, so it took me awhile to figure out which bus to take. Is it me or does Valencia Street seem like a totally different city than the Marina? Must be all the brown people everywhere.

Anyways.

How are you? I was thinking we could go to a cheap restaurant somewhere within two blocks of here, because I’m sure that you know all the good places around here and you’re not tired of any of them. If we were in my neighborhood I would totally take you to Left At Albuquerque, because that place rocks! They have all the games on TV and giant beers, plus the food is vaguely ethnic, yet non-threatening. I hate having my horizons expanded! Oh, you’re still not ready yet? That’s okay. I’ll sit here in your front room and pester your incredibly gay roommate with questions about football while you do whatever weird chick stuff you ladies do. Then I’ll be quietly shocked when you roommie tells me that he doesn’t like football. I should’ve guessed. The fact that he’s knitting while watching the Real Housewives of the OC might have been a good clue, but there you go! SF is totally different than Newport Beach, that’s for sure!

Sweet! You’re ready to go. So, you still want to get dinner or just go get shitfaced at some bar? Oh really, dinner? Okay, I can do that. So, uh, where do you want to go? Ethiopian food? What’s that, a big plate of nothing? Ha ha ha! Hey, why aren’t you laughing? Okay, okay, we’ll get Ethiopian food. Its like Chinese right?

Wow. That was the craziest meal ever, I mean, I was half expecting to be swatting flies off my face the whole time! Wow, still no laughing, huh? I’ll guess I’ll have to just quit on the whole starvation jokes. Soooooooo, still ready for some drinks? Great! Just one thing, I can’t go to one of those weird hipster/emo Mission bars okay? Wait! Don’t get upset. Let me put it this way: I just feel more comfortable surrounded by striped shirts, okay? No, I’m not saying I’d rather be in prison in the 1920’s. Stop laughing. Seriously, now you can’t stop laughing, but when I started making fun of famine plagued East Africans all I heard was crickets. Wait, what? Of course I like punk music! 311 is the best band of all time! Those guys totally rock. Okay, we’ll go to punk night at Delirium. I usually only go to North Beach or Union Street, so this should be fun.

I’m still waiting for the DJ to play some 311, I even went and asked her if she could play some, but she just looked at me. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think she’s into me or something, because I saw her talking to her friend and then pointing at me and smiling. Guess its my new haircut. I paid ninety-five-fuckin-dollars for this sweet haircut, and I know the chicks can’t get enough of…hey!....where’d you go? I just went to the bar to get you another PBR and a jagerbomb for myself and you took off? Damn, that sucks. Good thing I’ve got plenty of time to get back to the North Star and meet up with my boys. I didn’t put this much gel in my hair to not get laid tonight…

On a serious note ladies, if that sounds like a typical date for you, then you’ve been missing out. There are plenty of nice, intelligent, well read, well traveled gentlemen out there just waiting to meet a nice girl. I know, because I’m one of them. I’m a 30 year old guy with a good job, stable living situation, (fairly) normal family, no wife/girlfriend, healthy, blah blah blah. I’ve lived abroad for years at a time, speak Spanish fluently and can swear proficiently and/or order a beer in another 10 languages, and I read an average of a book and a half a week. I like baseball and football, but would rather be outside in the park on a sunny afternoon than cooped up in the house watching the game. I’m a decent cook, and a former bartender so I can whip up some mean blender drinks, if that’s your thing. I enjoy bike riding, getting out of town on the weekends to visit friends, coffee shops and Irish bars. Also, I’m 6’3 with green eyes and brown hair.

I do like to do some light boozing on the weekends, but that’s more of a social thing than anything else. I work M-F at a 9-5 for a local company that actually seems to value and respect its employees. I do have to go to work dinners a couple times a month, but those are fun and girlfriends are often invited. That’s me in a nutshell. Thanks for reading."