I Disabled My Account

After not having logged into the dating site for almost four months, I finally did today. I had received an e-mail that said somebody had been looking at my profile. I've received several such messages in the last few months, along with some telling me that guys had rated me highly and one that I had been (based on my profile photo) deemed "more attractive than average." I guess I was really bored, but it was time to check in. Yet when I did, I felt absolutely no inclination to look at profiles, read messages, or anything. On the off chance I want to resume online dating, I left my profile intact but I have made it so no one can see it until I choose to log in again.

Au revoir, dating site.

Nearing the End

As I mentioned last time, I've run out of energy for online dating. It takes a lot to maintain my profile and wade through the multitudes on the site and, now that I have a job again, I don't really have as much time to do that. It's not that I don't have time to date or be in a relationship (like some people we know, *cough* Travis, *cough* Paul…), but I'd rather spend my free time out and about doing things and potentially meeting people than sitting at home in front of my computer for hours on the dating site.

Travis and I continue to e-mail. We went out last weekend for lunch and ultimately spent less than an hour together. I suggested trying to get together for dinner during the week, but he says that he's "not sure about weeknights, as I've really started to value just getting those few hours each night to sit around and decompress." While I totally understand the need to decompress, it's just one more sign that he clearly does not have the time for a relationship right now.

And then there's Paul, the Miata. I like him a lot. We hung out again on Friday, just as friends, and had a really nice time. There are so many things to like about him, but there are just enough things that I dislike that I know a relationship with him would never work, even if he was ready for one. All in all, I'm happy to have a great new friend. I need more of those.

This is my 197th post. I might try to stretch the blog out to 200, but there probably won't be much after that. If there's anything you think I should write about before I go on hiatus, please let me know. I'd love your suggestions!

Intelligence and Maturity

This week has taught me a valuable lesson: a person can be amazingly knowledgeable and intelligent without being all that mature. I'm sure some of you will disagree with me about my definition of mature, but I feel mine is pretty standard.

Here's the thing: Travis is very, very smart. Without telling you exactly who he is, I can say that he is a five-time national champion in his field, one that requires a lot of knowledge about a lot of different things. Those of you who know me, know that I like smart people and that I want a partner who (at least) matches me in intelligence. However, you also know that I'm someone who values the more 'cultured' aspects of life—fine art and music, excellent food, smart humor—and have little interest in low-brow, often mass-market entertainment. Call me a snob, I probably am, but that's just me. Travis definitely beats me in smarts, but it's these other qualities that don't match up. I feel like most of the things he does in his free time are about the same as those done by boys half his age.

Then there's another kind of maturity: maturity in relationships. I get the feeling that Travis hasn't dated much, much less been in many—if any—relationships. That's fine in theory, I certainly don't have that much experience, but with him it shows. There are few good things about this, namely his great frequency of communication, but I'm not sure I want to be the one to train him on the others. And yet, I'm not ready to tell him off just yet. If he decides we shouldn't see each other again, then I'll probably be OK with that; however, if he does want to see me again, then I'll be happy to see him.

Also, as much as it bothers me to admit this, I'm kind of done with the dating site for a while. Having been off it for about a month while I've been messaging and seeing Travis, I don't really have any great desire to get back on it at the moment. I've gone on dates with seven different people in three months and I'm kind of exhausted with the whole thing. The part that bothers me is that I do want to find someone, to be with someone, but perhaps I should just try what so many have before me and let things happen naturally.

Conveniently Close

As some of you know, I sing with a chorus. It's a fabulous group and we put a ton of work in each week to ensure that our performances are musical, moving, and fun. Rehearsal, however, leaves me exhausted—two and a half hours of intense concentration and singing will do that to a person—and the last thing I want to do upon leaving is begin my hour-long trek home on the bus.

How convenient then that Travis lives five blocks away from our rehearsal hall. As soon as I realized he lived that close, I immediately began dreaming about being able to go to his place and spend the night there. Using my desire to bring him some homemade brownies as an excuse, I asked if I could go over after his rehearsal. I was a bit afraid he'd refuse—I mean, we've only been on one date—but he said yes! Knowing that I'd be able to go to Travis', made the last hour of rehearsal so much easier.

Ultimately, Travis and I are responsible adults, which is my way of saying that I only stayed an hour and then headed back out. He has a lengthy commute every morning and had an early meeting this morning to boot; we both knew that if I stayed, our chance of getting much sleep was pretty small. Plus, he lives in a studio apartment with no couch. I told him that if he had a couch, I could just stay there; he told me that having me in his apartment at all would ensure that he didn't get any sleep. Well then. So we cuddled and kissed, but managed to separate long enough to get me out the door. A few minutes after I left, he texted me and told me that seeing me out was really hard to do. I wrote back to remind him that he'll get to see me again soon enough and that he could sleep in as long as he wants on Saturday—he's coming over to my place on Friday night, ostensibly for a cooking lesson and Scrabble, though I'm sure that won't be all…

Three Weeks of Preamble = Excellent First Date

This is going to be a bit of a tease, since I don't have time to write much, but:

- Theo's disappeared. I never heard from him after our second date. Also, I think he blocked my e-mail.
- Paul's still around, but we haven't seen much of each other and, because he's been in finals mode at school for the last few weeks, we haven't chatted much either.
- Jesse? Who knows what happened to him. Then again, I don't care.
- Travis. He messaged me and we messaged, IMed, and texted for a few weeks before we finally went out on Friday. Fantastic. I can't wait to see him again. I'll write more, as soon as we've worked out the second date.

Since Travis came along, I've pretty much been off of the dating site. It's been at least a week since I logged in. I continue to receive messages, but I've not responded to any of them. I rather like this situation.

Oh, and for those of you who liked my car metaphors, I have no idea what Travis is and that's just fine for now.

Dating to Learn

When I started this blog, I was learning to date. Two years later, I know how to date. I know what makes a good first date and what doesn't, what to wear (I have a signature green hat that has become my "I'll be the one in the green hat" identifier), what to talk about and what to leave for future dates (if there are any), and how to get out of a date I'm not enjoying.

Now, instead of learning how to date, I'm paying more attention to what my dates have to teach me. Of all the guys I've met in person and the many more I've only encountered online, I've learned all sorts of things. One of the main things I've learned is how to appreciate something even if I don't enjoy it myself. Sandy, for example, explained to me why he enjoys riding motorcycles. I have no interest in motorcycles, but, thanks to him, I can see why they appeal to so many people. Carl and Paul have discussed their fondness for video games, Carl for developing them, Paul for playing them. Just because I don't understand the appeal of trying to become a Level 65 mage doesn't mean others can't have a great time doing so. Dan tried his hardest to get me to like roller coasters. Sorry, Dan, they're not for me. I'm simply not an adrenaline junkie. However, I can appreciate how much goes into making a good roller coaster and why so many people enjoy them.

Others have introduced me to things I might, or might not, have found on my own. Aiden pointed me to the beautiful soundtrack of "Atonement." Theo introduced me to Bruckner. Henry taught me the game Flux—how had I never played it before?—and retaught me gin rummy; I proceeded to beg him to play both games with me for months after. And even though Gavin couldn't for the life of him give me any reason to enjoy his stories about military training, he did take me to a great neighborhood restaurant.

A full, updated blog post will be up soon, but it's been a long week what with starting my new job(!) and I just haven't had the energy to write. What have your dates taught you?

On a Lighter Note

After days of angsty, advice-seeking posts, I thought it was time for something funny. I found this humor article ("Coffee Date's Hidden Thoughts—Revealed!") by Mark Miller on the Huffington Post today and found it to be wonderfully accurate. I've gone on a number of dates like the one in the piece, though, fortunately, my rejects (including all of the ones I've rejected on the dating site before even contacting or meeting them) could only fill the stands at a high school gym and not a baseball stadium.

You Are Amazing

I started off the weekend as confused as I could possibly be, but, thanks to all of your comments, I finished it much more sound of mind. If you haven't read the comments on my last two posts, I encourage you to do so. I received lots of great advice and perspectives and was able to really think through the odd situation in which I've found myself. So here's what I've determined:

• Theo is the one I would like to keep seeing in earnest. He has come across as a bit shy, so, after waiting three days since our date last week, I decided to message him last night. I have no problem with taking it slow with him, though I do hope that our next date doesn't involve a frantic run to catch the last train (like the first two did).
• Paul is a cool guy, but a bit of a player. Should things not work out with Theo, he'd be around if I wanted him to be.
• Jesse is the wild card. He asked me out at the last minute tonight, but I'm home sick with a cold. I asked him if we might be able to hang out later this week. He seems interesting, so I don't want to write him off, but I'm treading very slowly with him. 

Even though I've sorted this out for now, I'm sure I'll have a lot more to consider in the weeks ahead. Please continue to comment and share advice/experiences. It means the world to me.

Car Metaphors

I started to write this as a response to Lanafactrix's comment on my last post, but I decided to make a new post out of it. 

Lanafactrix has identified with my rational brain completely. Paul probably is bad news, but I'm not quite ready to let go of him yet.

The thing is, I think I like Theo a lot. L suggested that if he doesn't light my fire, that perhaps I ought to be with someone who does. However, it's not that Theo doesn't light my fire, rather that we are moving at a very different speed than I have with Paul.

I don't know how to drive, but if I did, Peter would be a red Miata and Theo would be a silver Volvo. The Miata is prone to being pulled over by cops, but is exhilarating to drive; the Volvo, on the other hand, is top quality, down to earth, and safe.

Ultimately, I know I want the Volvo, but I'm not quite done with my test drive of the Miata.

I'm Completely and Utterly Confused

So I made the mistake of going out with Paul on Thursday and then Theo on Friday. Knowing that I'd be seeing Theo on Friday for a second date, I told Paul that Thursday was going to be a strictly friends outing for us. I had to specify this because Paul has recently told me that, while he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, he's very much attracted to me and isn't sure he can be "just friends." When I met up with him for a casual dinner, I was feeling really excited about my upcoming date with Theo. I was sure that I'd have no problem behaving like I do with any of my other friends.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Paul tried to play it cool during dinner, but by the time we went across the street for ice cream, he was rapidly losing his ability to be just friendly. There was much flirtation and flattery and it got to me. My rational brain was fighting a serious uphill battle against my emotional brain; his rational brain was nearly decimated.

And still, the night was young, so we went over to a bar to sit and talk some more. By this point we were holding hands across the table. He wouldn't let go, but I didn't want him to. Therein lies the confusion. Even though I'd only been on one, completely G-rated date with Theo, at this point, I really want things to work out with him. Were I to do anything with Paul at this point, I worry that it would come back to bite me later if things with Theo continue to go well.

To make matters even more confusing, the second date with Theo went really well, but it was just as slow as the first. We seem to like each other and enjoy each other's company, we share many of the same likes and dislikes, and we always have plenty to talk about. That last point has, oddly enough, been the only real problem on our dates as we've found ourselves rushing to get him on the last train home at the end of the evening and never have time for a decent goodbye.

On paper, Theo wins against Paul hands down. He's older, more mature, witty and funny in the same way I am, passionate about classical music, a good dresser (I never did tell him last night how handsome he looked in his suit), doesn't drink or smoke, etc. However, I can't ignore the fact that there's incredibly intense physical attraction between me and Paul. My rational self picks Theo. My emotional self picks Paul. Which one will win in the end? I don't know, but I sure would like to find out soon.

P.S. In my last post I mentioned that I'd messaged with Jesse while waiting for an e-mail from Theo. I'd not heard anything from him since, so I assumed that I wouldn't. Only I did. I'm incredibly flattered to have the attention of these guys, but it makes everything so freaking complicated. If Daria's Quinn Morgendorfer (top left) and Gilmore Girls' Rory Gilmore (above right) morphed into one person, it might very well be me.