Thursday, March 6, 2008

Bad Usernames: What were they thinking?

Usernames can be difficult to create, especially when you are creating one for a dating site. You might not want to put your real name, so maybe you use a nickname or initials. Perhaps there is something you're passionate about—you could use that. Maybe you want to say something about yourself, such as your ethnicity or a physical attribute. With all of these options, and many more, why on earth would people choose the following names (all of which I've blocked, many because of the username alone):

• Bacterian (I don't think I'd want to date a small single-celled organism, which is what this one sounds like.)
• CarnalMustard (Good play on Colonel Mustard, and yet I don't like mustard that much…)
• DarthSweetness (You've got to be kidding me…)
• FattLover76 (Does that mean you are a lover of fat, or are you a fat person who wants to be a lover? Oh, and you might be implying that you are 76, and that would just be wrong.)
• GerbilGod7 (Are you a small furry rodent or do said rodents pray to you? Either way, I think I'll stay away.)
• GodofMischief (Anyone who knows me would know that I wouldn't go anywhere near this guy.)
• MrMooEar (Are you 4? That's the kind of name a little kid would give his cat or stuffed animal.)
• Precambrian (If I thought the guy who was 76 was old, what do you think I must think about you? However, maybe you're a tiny hard-shelled animal, in which case I refer to my comment about Bacterian.)
• RascalMage (See my comment about DarthSweetness and that about GodofMischief.)
• SkinnyBuddha (I can understand the skinny part, but what makes you Buddha?)
• SquidBreath (I don't like Squid, but tuna breath is gross; therefore squid breath has to be bad.)

Finally, three that are total turn-offs for their blatant and over-the-top sexuality:
• RedPhallus (Bad—is it diseased?)
• ShaftPusher (Worse)
• AnalSexMaster (Worst—you're on the wrong site if you think this is a good name)

What are the worst usernames you've come across?


Ily said...

I actually don't mind GerbilGod-- probably because I had pet gerbils as a child. I also think Precambrian isn't too bad, although both of them are far from illuminating. But since you can't change your username (I know mine is pretty silly), maybe we shouldn't judge them too harshly...except for CarnalMustard, let's judge him :-)

t.a.m.s.y. said...

regarding use of the name "carnalmustard," i think you may be giving it too much thought. or at least, you're giving it more thought than i did when i chose it, or ever since.

it is, yes, a play (good? eh...) on "col. mustard." it also sounds vaguely dirty, except to that end it doesn't make particular sense. i suppose it appealed to me for its juxtaposition of (1) a recognizable character from a mystery-based board game of our collective youth and (2) the suggestively absurd, or absurdly suggestive.

perhaps my subconscious mind sought to evoke, in one sweeping dadaist gesture, archetypal elements of sex, murder, mystery, youth, the pomposity of monocles & mustaches, the idiom "cut the mustard," and condiments of a spicy nature, which together coalesce into a flavor not entirely unlike that of young lust in summertime.

it is also possible that i was simply drunk at the time, and that was the first name that came up unavailable. hard to say, really.

in any case, it was not meant to imply an interest in pursuing mustard-fetishism. if mustard-fetishism exists (and lord knows it probably does), i would prefer not to know any more about it. if this was your misunderstanding, i take full responsibility.

in any case, i hope that if you blocked me it was not for this "good play on words," but rather for my terrible personality.

it's probably just as well, though. i generally find usernames that feature, as you suggest, "ethnicity or a physical attribute," to be a bit drab. why go literal when impressionism tells such a better story? but then, i tend to go for women that exhibit creativity and who don't take life, especially the internet-dating parts of life, too seriously. maybe we shouldn't fall in love after all.

but tell your friend the gerbil fetishist to give me a call.

your friend,