Sunday, January 4, 2009

2008: It went out with a bang

This year I went on a single date with a bunch of different guys. There were a few with whom I would have loved to go out again, but they, unfortunately, didn't share my sentiments.

Until this week. Remember the vague references to the guy from out of town who'd asked me out? Well, let's call him Sandy, after his current place of residence. Sandy and I met up for chai and boardgames last weekend. We had a good time hanging out and he ended up inviting me to join him for pizza with a bunch of his college buddies. I could have turned him down—six hours with one person on a first date?—the prospect of good food with a bunch of new people seemed a lot better than leftovers at home by myself was too good to pass up. The evening did end up being a lot of fun and, if that had been all Sandy and I ever did, whatever—he lives so far away. However, I was getting ready to leave, he asked if he could see me again in a couple of days. I said yes.

So we met up again, this time for food, a good wander through the park, and random CD-buying at the city's biggest music store. Good times. He even came back to my apartment for CD-listening and, um, a little bit more than that.

The next day's New Year's Eve, and, lo and behold, we're both free and eager to hang out again. We went on a really neat ramble through one of the area's hidden gems before joining a couple friends of his for dinner, an awesome card game, and the ball drop. By the time he got me back to my place, it was really late, I could tell he was too tired to drive to the place he was staying, and, well, I wanted him to stay. So he did. He had to leave pretty early the next morning to drive far away back to his real home, so we said our goodbyes and promised we'd keep in touch.

Three dates with a great, smart, funny, well-mannered guy. What a way to end my year of online dating. Or so I thought. I heard from him the day after he got back and he said,

I think maybe I should not have stayed over on New Year's. I have some reservations as a couple and I think we should take a step back and just be friends. I am down to keep sending you amusing shit on the internet, but I don't think I am prepared for romance. Sorry. I honestly think you are an awesome lady and I'm sure everything will work out swimmingly for you.

True to his word, he sent me some funny internet links, but that wasn't what I really wanted from him. Given that he'd made all of the first moves, I wanted answers. So I asked for them.

It turns out that he's way more insecure than I ever gave him credit for. However, the honesty that came through when we played board games proved to be something he has in all aspects of his life, as he at least did give me his reasons for not wanting to date.

Reason #1: I think I should really be waiting until my life is stable to find a steady girl. OK. That, I can totally understand. He's in the process of trying to get a new job in a new city (one right near me, by the way) and until he's got all of that settled, his life's going to be pretty chaotic.

Reason #2: I also think two introverts is not a good mix, especially if one of them is me, seeing as I'm very bad at communication and suchlike. This one I'm not so sure about. The guys that I've dated for more than two seconds were both total extroverts, and I'm not sure that was any better. Two introverts may have to work harder at a relationship, but I don't think it's the bad mix he does.

Reason #3. Before I put what he wrote, I just need to say that this is as open as I'm going to get on this blog and this is probably one of the hardest things I am going to ever write here. I realize there aren't that many people who read the blog, nonetheless, I feel very exposed in writing this. I think this is kinda shitty 'cause it's not like you can do anything about it, but I'm not sure I'm up for dating a virgin again. My last (only) two long-term relationships were both with, ahem, inexperienced ladies and I think it kind of turned out badly for me, 'cause once they found out what having a boyfriend was like, they decided to get better boyfriends. I dunno. Doesn't the insecurity just shine through on this? I liked Sandy quite a lot and was pretty upset about the whole thing (I was crying while listening to Markéta Irglová sing "The Hill" from the Once soundtrack on repeat); however, once I read this I really had to wonder how insecure one could be. My feeling is that if I was going to go so far as to sleep with him, I would be ready to be with him for awhile. I'm sorry that his previous girlfriends felt differently, but I'm not like a lot of other people.

It took me a few hours (and a lot of online counseling from Superquail [thank you, dear]) but I realized that it was just as well that I found all of this out sooner rather than later. I have my insecurities, sure, but I think I'm a pretty strong individual. I had thought Sandy was too, but apparently I was wrong. If he's so unsure about all of this, I don't want to be involved with him. If he does move to my area, I'd probably meet up to play board games with him, as it's hard to find someone who likes board games as much as he does, but I won't try to pursue any sort of romantic relationship with him ever again. Plus, if I hang out with him and his guy friends, perhaps I might actually meet a better single guy. One can be optimistic, right?

Until then, I've got my sights set on a guy whose profile I've been looking at for a long time now. After months of dithering, I'm actually going to e-mail him. If I don't hear back, fine, but if I do that'll be neat. Did I mention he's posing (and growling along) with a miniature dinosaur?


Lanafactrix said...

Well damn. That sucks! I gotta say, the virgin thing is total bull. If I had to guess based on what you've said here, it actually went something like "I dated inexperienced women and it turned out badly for me, 'cause once they found they could get a boyfriend who wasn't always moping about how they were sure to leave him now that they'd lost it, they decided to get better boyfriends."

Katie said...

As I told a friend today, my fling has flung… Yeah, he's incredibly insecure. Plus, I'm pretty sure, based on some things he said, that one of those girls a high school relationship. The other girl is the one he was recently in a relationship with, and I'm guessing he's still not over that one.

Oh well, I've moved on already. Onwards and upwards.

Superquail said...

I disagree with his statement about two introverts being bad for each other. The term "introvert" is often misused. It doesn't mean being a loner or a misanthrope or being one of those people who lives in a cabin in the mountains and eats only oatmeal. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is that when it comes to partying with a bunch of strangers, and extrovert gets stoked on that and introvert feels drained.

Two introverts actually make a much better match, in my opinion. I've had friends who were real partyers, who liked to go out to every social event, to meet people, hang out, do whatever. When they discover that I can't keep up with that shit, they get bored with me, and I get bored with them.

Being an introvert doesn't mean that you lack confidence, it just means that you generally pick and choose which people you bother expending that kind of emotional energy on. I call that being "intelligent," but I'm biased. :)

Katie said...

When I told my roommate last night that one of his reasons was that two introverts shouldn't be together, she basically said, "What? That's ridiculous! [My boyfriend] and I are both introverts!" Let it be noted that they've been together for over five (or is it six?) years and they're going strong. If that's not proof than I don't know what is.

Also, just as you said, I would never want to date someone who needed to be out and about all the time. That's too much for me.